Do You Want The Bad News First Or The Other Bad News?

THE PAIN.  THE LEGIT PAIN.  We get behind.  It’s our thing.  We score to make it a one goal game…….the Lightning score soon after.  And then it just keeps going.  Turns out you don’t win many games when you give up SEVEN goals and you let a dude named Nikita get a hat trick.

But like Russian.  And like a dude.

But like Russian. And like a dude.

Everything is fine.  No biggie.  Things will equalize.  Games will be won.  Keep calm.

JK FACE MELT TIME

JK FACE MELT TIME

CLOSE YOUR EYES!!!  DON’T LOOK!  IF YOU DON’T LOOK, IT CAN’T HURT YOU.  ALSO TRY HOLDING YOUR BREATH UNTIL YOU PASS OUT.  All of these are excellent strategies to use when observing Coyote hockey as of late.

Some of it was defensive lapses.  Some of it was Mike Smith being Mike Smith.  Maintaining momentum seems to be impossible for this team.  Things start going ok and then BOOM, goal given up.  Or stupid penalty.  Or being caught in their own end for multiple shifts.

I know you can’t get blood from a rock and the ‘Yotes roster isn’t comparable to many  in the Western Conference, but Jiminy Christmas they are strugglebugs this year.

What do we need to fix the ‘Yotes?

Or like defense.  Or scoring.  Vrby update, anyone?  Radim has 5 goals and 5 assists in 10 games.  At this point, I’m just excited for him and want to see how many goals he gets this year.  Vrb was a streaky scorer, but maybe that was just due to his linemates also being inconsistent.  Just how great will the Sedins be for his game?!!?!?

IT'S FINE.  IT WILL ALL BE FINE.  NO PROBLEMS.

IT’S FINE. IT WILL ALL BE FINE. NO PROBLEMS.

What is this fuckery?

What is this fuckery?

Ok, let’s try something new:

Positives (and I’m really stretching here):

-  Marty is back!  MAR MAR!!!!

-  The Czech who shall not be named scored again and seems to be having a better season than last year

-  No one has been bitten by random ticks and developed a weird disease

OMG I TRIED OK

OMG I TRIED OK

In related bad Coyote news, I worry about the attendance and money.  My workplace (which shall remain nameless) got a deal to have tickets to the Oilers game for $5 (any seat available, including Row B, up to 12 tickets per person). I thought it was a nice, fluke deal because the wife of one of the Coyote employees works at my job.  But now, just a few games later, we have the choice of any seat available for $15 for the Islanders game, up to 8 seats.  Hey, it’s great for me.  Also, the Leafs game has 2 for 1 lower level seats?!?!?!!? This whole deal smacks of 2010 when STH got lots of free tickets to get butts in the seats.  It makes me nervous and it probably should make you nervous too.  DOESN’T THAT MAKE EVERYONE FEEL SUPER HAPPY?!!?!?!  Oy.

SORRY

SORRY

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Olli-Bear Gives ‘Em The Carebear Stare

Yotes vs. Panthers.  They had attach a free post-game concert to get people in the seats, and it didn’t even look too full with that enticement.  Florida is like the Bermuda Triangle for players, they go there and when we play them I say, O WILLIE MITCHELL, THERE YOU BE.

Yandle had his first really egregious turnover that left me going:

ZOMG GET BACK

ZOMG GET BACK

Granted, he did haul ass to get back and Kopecky didn’t score on the breakaway.  But man! With Yandle leading the team in points, you gotta take the bad with the good, especially on this offensively strapped team.

Hodgman got called up!

chosen

Who knew GMDM was the Claw?

Justin Hodgman:  1 game, 1 goal

Sam Ganger:  7 games, 1 point, -5

BJ Crombeen:  5 games, 0 points, -2

Yes, they don’t all play the same type of game and expectations are different, but on this team, scoring by committee is the rule and these two dingos are making a lot more money than Hodgman for less production.  In fact, Crombeen is like goal kryptonite!  He had a hand in the disallowed goal in MN and he deflected the no-goal tonight with a high stick.  Not helping, and LITERALLY HURTING outcomes.

Hodgman tied the game and it was sent into OT.  Who is the overtime specialist?  OLLI-BEAR.  He needs some good mojo and he seems to have taken on the role of closer.

Olli, Florida thought they were gonna win......

Olli, Florida thought they were gonna win……

This is how Olli-Bear scores.  Hard to track all those simultaneous shots!

This is how Olli-Bear scores. Hard to track all those simultaneous shots!

Oliver was first star, very deserved!  Mike Smith as second star was bullshit, the game wouldn’t have even gone to overtime without Hodgman’s goal.  He should have been second star for sure.

The games lately have been hard to watch.  It is just frustrating at the group that the Yotes have been putting on the ice when so many other teams in the Pacific have gotten better and are playing out of their minds.  Vrbata has 4 goals and 4 assists in 7 games.  Yes, the Yotes don’t have the ability to field a line like the Sedins for Vrb, but at least he was a WEAPON.  Good at PK, an actual shooter, and shootout specialist.

How long am I gonna be beating that dead horse?  DUDES, I AM STILL NOT OVER TEEK AND PRUCHA.

Slow healing

Slow healing

Hopefully, we can get our lives together a little bit, but it’s going to be a rough year no matter what.  Sharks, Ducks, Hawks, Kings, and Preds are likely playoff locks. Dallas and Vancouver have been playing like gangbusters.  MN is going to be tough all year.  St. Louis will get their lives sorted out.  There aren’t many playoff spots up for grabs and the teams that are in the mix have more talent than AZ.  How do you fight Zach Parise?

FLAWLESS

FLAWLESS (pic from the United States of Hockey)

Ugh, sorry I’m such a Debbie Downer, but it’s too early in the season for it to feel like work to watch the Yotes, but it does.  BRING BACK THE FUN.  BRING BACK THE MARTY.

marty1

marmarmar

HEAL MAR MAR

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Yandle 2pts, Yotes 1pt

James Neal.  Coyote D, you had one job.  ONE JOB.  AVENGE THE PRUCHA.  DO NOT ALLOW THE TWATHEAD TO SCORE.  Of course, the defense was all

coyotes defense

THREE DUDES ON ONE GUY, SURELY NO ONE IS OPEN IS OUR MANTRA

So yeah, James Neal, my arch-nemesis, the bane of my hockey existence, man I once threatened to fight in the parking lot, scored.  Of course he did.

SCRATCH MY OWN EYES OUT SO I DON'T HAVE TO WITNESS

SCRATCH MY OWN EYES OUT SO I DON’T HAVE TO WITNESS

AJ FLYING KICK

AJ FLYING KICK

shank

Yes, it’s been years, but my rage memory is long.  In related news, GODDAMNIT RIBIERO.  YOU score?  Where the hell was that last year?  We paid you 10K to play the game tonight and Nashville paid you 5K and you score on US?  Ungrateful.

In non-shanking news, IT WAS YANDLE’S 500TH GAME!!!!!!  He has, thus far, survived all the Yandle trade demanders.  SUCK IT HATERS.  And a very hearty F-U to all the Coyote “fans” who have booed Yands in his own arena.  You know who you all are.

To celebrate your awesomeness Yands, Imma get a Yandle mask for Howl-o-ween.

OMG THIS IS TERRIFYING

OMG THIS IS TERRIFYING

To celebrate his 500th game, Yandleface got a goal!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  He also had an assist on the goal from the Czech who shall not be named.  GOOD JOB YANDS!!!!

Klink also dropped the hammer.  Good job Klink!  Hopefully you can keep it up because the goals, they be not plentiful.

The game went into overtime.  The Yotes had a good opportunity to play 4 on 3 to start OT when karma dealt James Neal a penalty for existing.  Doan, Antoine, Olli, and Yands were out there for the whole power play and it almost bit us in the ass.  When Neal came out of the box, he ended up with the puck and Olli barely was able to knock the puck away and stave off a goal that would have been the end of me.

Seriously.

Seriously.

SHOOTOUT!  OMG OMG OMG PUT IN VRBATA.  Wait.

Radim Vrbata, where are youuuuuuuuuu?

Radim Vrbata, where are youuuuuuuuuu?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo

Need Vrby

Need Vrby

This.

This.

No Vrby.  Boeds, someone, Antoine, Czech who shall not be named.

Someone?  That’s how not memorable it was, I literally forgot that Gagner shot.  Antoine was the only one to score.

It should be noted that Dubnyk got the start tonight instead of Smith.  Tippett said something along the lines of ‘we need someone who consistently makes big saves’.  OOOOOOOOO BURN.  Obviously, he read my last blog entry and is willing to start examining the goalie options.  HEADS UP BB GOALIE!

The points are still not good.  5 points in 5 games.  You can totally tell that most of the other teams in the division and conference got better.  Some, significantly better. The Coyotes sure as hell did not get better and it will be a struggle all year.  You can’t get blood from a rock.  You can run a system and get some wins, but is that what is going to fill the arena?  How long until the Be A Goner to Get Connor (McDavid) (OMG TOTALLY TRADEMARKING THAT) campaign starts?  But then #1 picks don’t necessarily work out, AMIRITE EDMONTON?

CONNORRRRRRRRRR

CONNORRRRRRRRRR

Finally:  Proof that the Marty/Vrb bond still exists:

Edmonton Olers v Vancouver Canucks

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The Yotes Are On Fire

I was on the fence about going to the game tonight.  I really wanted to see Paul Stastny.  I was still riding the good hockey vibes from the last game.  Tickets were cheap.  But, in the end, I didn’t go and HOLY BALLS WAS THAT THE BEST DECISION I’VE MADE, LIKE, EVER.

There aren’t really words for the game, so here ya go:

Tire fire is putting it mildly.

TIRE FIRE — putting it mildly.

At some point during the game I switched from wanting a Coyote comeback to wanting to see how horrific it could get.  It ended up being above a giant zit right before prom and just under a puppy being run over in the street.

The one kind of good-ish thing was Lauri scored!  See, I didn’t even use capslock, that’s how bad the game was.  Hold on, let me work on this.

LAURI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AJ, that felt pathetic and forced and I'd rather you didn't.

AJ, that felt pathetic and forced and I’d rather you didn’t.  I am disappoint.

I’M SORRY.  THAT GAME WAS SO………………UGH.

We don’t really have any offense to talk about.  The defense leaves me speechless in an atrocity-type of way.  LET’S START IN GOAL, SHALL WE?  What ARE our goalie options?

Mike Smith – “Starter”  15 goals allowed in 3 games.  $5.7 Million

I keep this mask on so you no know who I be

I keep this mask on so you no know who I be

Not all of the goals are the fault of Mike Smith.  That is obvious and logical.  WELL LOGICAL IS NOT HOW WE OPERATE ON THIS BLOG.  BURN THE EFFIGY.  Some of the goals have been SOFT.  No bueno.  When you are the highest paid player on the team and you have a long ass contract, you better be the best player on the ice, not every night, but consistently.  “We just need him to be average to above average”.  So the highest paid player just has to be average when OEL is consistently great?  I see that lack of logic is not confined to just this blog.  But it’s ok, we have a backup.

TOO 'SPENSIVE.  NEED MOAR GOALZ

TOO ‘SPENSIVE. NEED MOAR GOALZ

Devan Dubnyk – “Backup” – 800K (last year he made 3.7 Million)

Self-waterboarding

Self-waterboarding

When your #1 goalie is coming off a so-so year that ended in significant injury, you make sure you have a solid backup goalie.  When I think of solid goaltending, the first thing I think of is the Edmonton Oilers.  AND THEN I LAUGH HYSTERICALLY BECAUSE ZOMG OILERS.  BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I don’t hate Dubnyk and he is a deal at that price, but what is the price of winning?  It’s ok, we haz prospects.

Louis Domingue – “BB Goalie”  “Best Goalie In The World” — Priceless

MAJESTIC MOFO

MAJESTIC MOFO

JUST LOOK.  Full disclosure:  LITERALLY the first words I ever said to this kid were “I love you, you are the best goalie”.  That being said, I am totally impartial when evaluating hockey potential.

Ok maybe not

Ok maybe not

I’m not completely delusional.  BB Goalie is going to be hard fought for games in the AHL against McKenna and Visentin, let alone trying to vie for a cup of coffee with the big team.  BUT I CAN DREAM OK?  I would legit go back to being a season ticket holder if this occurred.

Ilya Bryzgalov – Free Agent –  Prolly $5 cuz he’s still making mad Flyer cash

How big is your five hole Bryz?

How big is your five hole Bryz?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH can you even imagine?  CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE?  Bryz is a hot mess.  The Coyotes are a hot mess.  HOW BIG CAN THIS TIRE FIRE GET?

Chris “CK” Kase – “Youngblood”  — Price pending negotiations with his agent, which is me

CK FOR GOALIE -2014

CK FOR GOALIE -2014

1.  Ignore the uniform, he isn’t Russian.  Unless you are looking for a Russian goalie, in which case, THAT BOY IS FROM THE RUSSIAS.

2.  He would be the Rudy of the NHL.  Want behind the scenes footage?  TRAINING MONTAGES.  He can even fight Varlamov, the woman beater, because chivalry:  he haz it.

3.  As his agent, I would get money and maybe could upgrade this crappy blog.  WE ALL WIN.

************************************************************************************

I didn’t want to address this, but since he hasn’t magically healed, I guess we better.  There was an accident.  Marty.

Since drawing arrows towards ACTUAL Marty's junk makes me feel weird, the role of Marty will be played by Godzilla, Marty's stunt double.

Since drawing arrows towards ACTUAL Marty’s junk makes me feel weird, the role of Marty will be played by Godzilla, Marty’s stunt double.

MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTY DOWN!  Not a drill!!!!!  He couldn’t get up and needed help off the ice and back to the lockerroom.

MAAAARTY!!!!! LET ME GO, HE NEEDS MEEEEEEEEE

MAAAARTY!!!!! LET ME GO, HE NEEDS MEEEEEEEEE

And then Z goes down and is in pain and had actual tears on the bench and I was all:

Marty owwies.  Z owwies.  ALL THE CZECHS ARE DED.

Marty owwies. Z owwies. ALL THE CZECHS ARE DED.

Don’t think you are off the hook, offense and defense.  You will soon get reviewed.  Here is a sneak peek:

COYOTES DEFENSE

COYOTES DEFENSE

Coyotes offense - minus Boedker

COYOTES OFFENSE (minus Boedker)

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MMB Hat Charity

What is the MMB Hat Charity you may ask. ….

Write it down, it's gonna be a thing.

Write it down, it’s gonna be a thing.

BABY DANE.  ALL THE GOALS.  ALL THE DANISH GOALS. ALL THE HATS FOR THE DANISH GOALS!!!!!!!!

The speed.  The actual shooting instead of passing.  The success instead of potential.  MIKKEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Dude, OEL and I have been Mikkel fans since before it was cool to be Mikkel fans.

Hipster Mikkel Fans

Hipster Mikkel Fans

Boeds had two goals going into the third.  The freaking Oilers pulled their goalie with about 18 minutes left in the period.  Ok, like three minutes, but that is FREAKING CRAZY EARLY!!!!  I mean it wasn’t like Scrivens was really stopping much anyways, but pulling the goalie that early?  EAKINS IS CRAY CRAY.

YAY EMPTY NET.  Wait, we can't score

YAY EMPTY NET. Wait, we can’t score

It looked like the Yotes were gonna go the whole freaking three minutes with no empty net goal (and be ultra embarrassed) when it happened.  Mikkel got the puck and had an empty net and the entire arena was all :

DO IT BABY DANE

DO IT BABY DANE

I was so freaking excited to witness his hat trick and just see how in the mother freaking zone Mikkel is.  I cried legit tears when Doan got his hat trick.  I was so happy for Baby Dane that I welled up a little bit.  IT WAS DUSTY IN THERE OK?

Contract Year Baby

OMG AJ that is a lot of hearts and dollar signs.  PRESSURE.

Mikkel was obviously the first star of the game.  With 5 goals just three games into the season, I have the feeling that Baby Dane will be a perma-star.  Can we do that?  Like, Mikkel is perma-#1 and you other biotches better be fighting for #2?  I KNOW, LET’S NOT GET CARRIED AWAY, OEL IS STILL THE MOST BESTEST.

 

Come on OEL, it's time for the 3 stars of the game....

Come on OEL, it’s time for the 3 stars of the game….

Halfway through the year, this will be Boeds' 3-star entrance

Halfway through the year, this will be Boeds’ 3-star entrance

There were non-wonderful parts of the game.  I still want to hot-glue Mike Smith into the net about 75% of the time.  There were ugly defensive moments that led directly to goals.  Thank God for the Oiler defense or we would have been screwed.  I didn’t particularly love the third or fourth lines.  In related news, the Oilers put four goals on us WITHOUT NUGENT-HOPKINS.  NO BUENO.  VERY NO BUENO.

But hey, Chipchura had a goal!  So did Klink.  So did Murph!  So did the Czech that I don’t love and therefore will never be mentioned because he doesn’t deserve to share monikers with the most wonderful hockey player ever.

Good Job Chip!

You go, boys!

The hard part of the game?  Boyd.  BOYD!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  MY HEART!!!!!  Boyd, come home.  Your parentals dwell in Goodyear, why must you run away from home like this!  You are wonderful and good and this is what I have to say to those who let you get away (mainly Mike Smith’s fat ass pockets, which I blame for the loss of Boyd, Vrby, the national deficit, and the spread of ebola):

24/7

24/7/52

It felt good to be back at hockey and especially since there were actual goals being scored.  Who is gonna volunteer to keep up this offense explosion?

I knew I could count on you Baby Dane!!!!

I knew I could count on you Baby Dane!!!!

Also, if Mikkel has a killer year (which he will because it is a contract year and hockey karma hates the Coyotes), I will have great excuses to insert gratuitous Mads pics.  Please hockey Gods, make it so.

HEEEEEEEEY MADS

HEEEEEEEEY MADS

gif10

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Lockout, A Torturing Troll, and A Crapload of GIFs.

The lockout.  The motherfucking lockout.  It’s like having a wound that won’t heal because you’re tied down, helpless, while a little troll continually stabs you in your intestines while keeping you awake 24/7 screaming HOCKEY RELATED REVENUE, CONTRACT INCOME VARIANCE, AND PENSIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNS.  Your friends can’t help you because they, too, are tied down with trolls of their own.  Meanwhile, some of your favorite players are tweeting you pictures of vacations in tropical places.  Them = vaca.  You = troll stabbing.  What. the. fuck.

fangurl5 blam spew lightning GIF22 gif21 gif14 flip lid

But then, one day, when you least expect it………..

It’s like any other day.  OOOOOH THE DEADLINE IS COMING.  THEY ARE CLOSE.  Fuck.  Tell me something I haven’t heard since like NOVEMBER 3RD.  They work late into the night.  YEAH WELL SO DOES MY STABBING TROLL, OK?

But then. It. Happens.

THE STABBY TROLL STARTS TO CHOKE AND COUGH.  Your first thought is OMG FUCKING GROSS TROLL HAIRBALL.  But the choking doesn’t stop and the hairball never appears. DING DONG THE TROLL IS DEAD.  Could this mean…………?

HOCKEY IS BACK?

(For the purposes of the next section, the role of me will be played by a little boy and Will Smith).

HOCKEY'S BACK?

HOCKEY’S BACK?

 

I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN'T EVENNNNNNNNNNNNNN

I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN’T EVENNNNNNNNNNNNNN

fangurl7

O YES, O YES, THE HOCKEYYYYYYYY

MAKE ME SHAKE MY AAAAAASS

MAKE ME SHAKE MY AAAAAASS

GUYS.  DOESN’T JUST SAVE US.  Some of the players were hurting.  They were stuck and thought they needed to find new careers.

fangurl8

 

NO MARTY.  DON'T DO IT!  THERE IS HOCKEY!  YOU CAN GO BACK TO SHUTTING DOWN JOE THORNTON.  MARTY FOR THE LOVE OF HOWE, PUT A FUCKING SHIRT ON AND GET ON A PLANE.  SERIOUSLY, THEY WON'T LET YOU ON THE PLANE WITHOUT A SHIRT.

NO MARTY. DON’T DO IT! THERE IS HOCKEY! YOU CAN GO BACK TO SHUTTING DOWN JOE THORNTON. MARTY FOR THE LOVE OF HOWE, PUT A FUCKING SHIRT ON AND GET ON A PLANE. SERIOUSLY, THEY WON’T LET YOU ON THE PLANE WITHOUT A SHIRT.

AND YOU, BLOG READER, HAVE SOME DECENCY AND ADVERT YOUR EYES.  HE WAS IN A VULNERABLE POSITION AND THERE YOU ARE, ALL LOOKING.  I SAY ADVERT YOUR EYES!

AND THOSE OF YOUR WHO ARE ALL

gif13

 

I WILL FIND YOU.

Ok, Back to the excite.

Guys, HOCKEY!

gif19 gif9 gif7 holy1 z1 fangurl1 fangurl fangurl2

So first things first:

1) I NEED THE NEW SCHEDULE.  LIKE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

2) I need to buy a new personal schedule because my calendar has all these fake games written in it.  Haha, remember when we got to see Eastern Conference Teams?  I HATE YOU NHL.  I see these Western Conference jackwagons all the time.  I WANT TO SEE GENO.  MAKE IT HAPPEN.

3) Guys, who the hell is even on our team?  WHO IS GONNA BE THE 7TH DMAN?  OMG I BET IT’S RUNDBLAD CUZ HE’S BEEN RIPPING IT UP IN PORTLAND (more about this in a post later this week)

4) We still have Raffi Torres.  :|

Yay Raffi.  :|

Yay Raffi. :|

5)  GUESS WHO IS ON A PLANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4qpgo

6) Replace “School” with “The Job” and “long holiday” with “lockout” and this is totally how I feel:

fangurl47)  GUYS, WE ARE BACK!  WE’RE BACK!  THERE’S GONNA BE A BANNER AT THE JOB!  WE’RE BACK!  IT EVEN MAKES SHANE DOAN SAY BAD WORDS!

POTTY MOUTH DOAN

8) Marty

5449530884_a93c9db454_b (1) 24d0uhd_94068089 gif3 gif gif16

 

SEE YOU SOON, THE BLOG IS BACK (AT LEAST FOR NOW!)  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY HOCKEY!

gif10 gif1 gif5

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I Say, Zip Up Your Pants, Sir!

z7

 

I AM BREAKING UP WITH THE NHL.  WE’RE DONE.  IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU.  WE NEED TO END THIS BEFORE IT BECOMES BLOODY.

JK.  But seriously, the lockout needs to end.  Not just for me.  For the boys.  Let’s check in and see what they are up to, shall we?

I FRICKIN' LOVE THE VRB.

I FRICKIN’ LOVE THE VRB.

I FRICKIN’ MISS THE VRB.  Vrb was over playing with the team he is a partial owners of and playing with his brother, but he’s back in town.

VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRB

VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRB

gif17

So what is Lauri up to?

Not much, playin’ some puck and being all famous n shit.

HE HAS HIS FACE ON A GIANT ..........OMG I NEED THAT

HE HAS HIS FACE ON A GIANT ……….OMG I NEED THAT

GUYS, FINLAND TREATS HIM SO MUCH BETTER THAN WE DO.  We need to work on getting his face on a giant banner.  COME BACK HOME LAURI, WE WILL DO BETTER!

Umm, he also stands by rivers and stuff in his spare times.  Cuz that’s what you do in Finland.  It’s a culture thing.

hanzo7

Boeds?  BOEDS!

hanzo11WHATCHA DOIN’ MIKKEL?!?!?!  Boeds is also still in Finland, but with no faces on banners, that I have found.  Pretty sure Denmark is working on getting his face on the national flag, so there’s that.

So, he also has been standing in a park.  I’m telling you, it’s Finland, it’s a culture thing!

Stand in front of the leaves....... yeah, that looks good

Stand in front of the leaves……. yeah, that looks good

 

Gratuitous Mads Boedker picture.

Gratuitous Mads Boedker picture.  <3

So far, everyone seems to be doing well and no one needs an adult.

And then, we have Marty.

Who clearly needs an adult.

HE DOESN'T LOOK HAPPY DOES HE?  TELL ME HE DOESN'T LOOK HAPPY

HE DOESN’T LOOK HAPPY DOES HE? TELL ME HE DOESN’T LOOK HAPPY

HE ISN’T HAPPY.  HAPPINESS = NOT HIM.  I fear his lack of happiness is driving him to do self-destructive things……… such as:

TAKE WAY TOO CLOSE UP OF PICTURES.  BACK UP CHILD

TAKE WAY TOO CLOSE UP OF PICTURES. BACK UP CHILD

AND THEN THERE IS THIS RIDICULOUSNESS:

DO UP YOUR PANTS SIR.  AND FIND A SHIRT.  I BET YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE SHOES ON.

DO UP YOUR PANTS SIR. AND FIND A SHIRT. I BET YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE SHOES ON.

MARTY.  WTF.  SERIOUSLY, WTF?  FIRST YOU GET THE TATTOO THAT DOESN’T HAVE PROPER ENGLISH ON IT AND NOW THIS?  I’M THIS CLOSE TO CALLING NANNY 911 ON YOU, OR WORSE…….. IM CALLING VRBY.

Now I know some of you are like

gif8

 

and some of you are like

O.M.G.  COULD IT BE TIME FOR THE RETURN?

but trust me, it’s like this:

zomg

 

See, we need hockey back, if for no other reason than I’m concerned that some slick Czech photog is gonna sweet talk ………. WE JUST NEED HOCKEY BACK OK?

THIS LOOKS WEIRD

THIS LOOKS WEIRD

BTW MARTY, WE DON’T SEE PICTURES OF OLIVER BEING RIDICULOUS.  TAKE NOTES.

gif18

 

 

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Wanted: Precious Foreigners For Temporary Position Of Adulation

Killing time during the lockout is hard.  What do you do with all your extra time when you’re used to going to hockey 2 to 3 times and watching hockey 2-3 other times per week?!?!

Western Conference Finals?  IT WAS GOING SO WELL.  IT WAS RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME.  ALAS:

Now it’s all about finding filler.

My first endeavor was going to up to see the Sundogs play in Prescott.  I got to see Chipchura and Schlemko play, which was alright.  They aren’t exactly my favorites, but hey, it was hockey.

Chuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup

It was a good time.  They have two Swedes.  There was entertainment.  It was hockey.  But…….. it was a bit of a trek.  Haha, look a me sounding like an east-side Yotes fan.  It’s a viable time killer.

Jack Black = NHL
Ron Burgandy = NHLPA
Baxter = Me
Thanks for standing by and doing nothing, NHLPA, while the NHL punts me.

My next experiment was going to the Suns.  Well, it was an event.  I’m not sure I really liked the event, but it was an event none-the-less.  I used to really like basketball……. you know……. before I liked hockey.  Hockey has ruined all other sports for me because it has completely enhanced my sports ADD.  I constantly need something going on!

The best part was probably the foreigner.  THEY HAVE A FOREIGNER!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, I got you guys this:  http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xi8ikkOUleE/T_YJ4g8-4UI/AAAAAAAAAlo/z6zYV8zzzNk/s1600/025.jpg

I kinda luffle him.  Not Marty/Oliver/Vrby/Z level of luffle, but hard times call for hard choices.

I MISS MAR

The Coyotes should be worried.  There are two options within a reasonable drive that can fulfill my foreign needs.  There is no hockey, yet life continues to move forward.  I guess I can technically live without it.  Plus, I have extra cash.

Yep, the Coyotes organization and the players should both be worried.

I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU. JK, LUFFLE YOU FOR ALL MY LIVES

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Kessy in a Messy

U Y MAKE ME DO DIS?!?!?!?!

I greatly enjoy Kale Kessy.  He has been on my list of prospects that I always look forward to seeing at camps because he fits my ideal qualifications of a gritty, tough, two-way forward and he’s a BB, so hey, I’m in.

Here’s the problem:  Kale was suspended 12 games for, in the opinion of the WHL, an obvious elbow to the head.  Oy.  And this isn’t the first time he’s had a multi-game suspension.  Last season, Kale received 5 games on 10/7 and 4 games on 11/28.  He also had a 1 game suspension in March for a game misconduct.

Oh, it goes back further.  The season before last?  3 total games suspended.

Unfortunately, this pattern of behavior smacks of poor judgement.  And we all know whose ass I constantly ride about poor judgment.

OH SHIT, SHE SHANKS PEOPLE.

And in case you’re new and don’t know how I feel about Raffi, it’s basically this:

This. All of this.

It’s not like roughness is Kale’s only skill.  I mean, he has scored a goal in each of the two games he has played this season.  Granted, that rate greatly exceeds his offensive prowess from the past two seasons (10g, 14a in 65games & 4g, 12a in 49games), but he doesn’t need to be quite this…………. Torres-esque.

KALE, PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME A HYPOCRITE.  I NO LIKE IT.

 

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DIAF NHL & NHLPA

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN………..

The first weekend or two in September are possibly literally my favorite weekends in the entire year.  There is nothing I love more than having rookie and main camp.  Nothing.  You miss hockey all summer, it’s unbearable!  Then, the kids come in and you get a chance to see what they’ve got on ice that isn’t utterly crappy, sorry Ice Den.  You get to see pro tryout guys try to land a contract. I get to take beautiful pictures of Brandon Gormley.  Then, the big guys come back.  OMG MARTY.  OMG OEL.  OMG RADIM.  OOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Z!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU GUYS, Z!  Z!  Z!

So this post should contain an OBNOXIOUS amount of pictures of baby rookies (BB Goalie, Brandon, Darian, Kale………) with lots of CAPS LOCK and lots of !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’s.  Instead, you are getting this:

HEY FUCKWADS (NHL/NHLPA),

GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR RESPECTIVE ASSES AND WORK SOMETHING OUT.  OWNERS, QUIT BEING SO FUCKING GREEDY.  PLAYERS, TAKE A LOOK AT THE UNEMPLOYMENT RATE AND THEN CRY ME YOUR RIVER.  I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT EITHER OF YOUR SIDES AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SWAY ME WITH YOUR TWITTER BULLSHIT.  PEOPLE WANT HOCKEY TO GET AWAY FROM THEIR PROBLEMS.  SOMETHING TO DISTRACT US FROM THE ACTUAL SHIT IN THE WORLD THAT IS WRONG.  INSTEAD, YOU GIVE US MORE SHIT TO BE PISSED ABOUT.  A LOCKOUT OVER MONEY?  PFFT.  I’D GET BEHIND AN ACTUAL WAR OVER PLAYER SAFETY.  MONEY?  SERIOUSLY?  I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE BURIED IN STUDENT LOANS…….. OH WAIT, NOT SO MUCH.  AND OWNERS?  JESUS H CHRIST, DON’T GET ME STARTED.  PLAY.  ENTERTAIN.  KEEP US FROM TOO CLOSELY EXAMINING HOW CRAPPY OUR LIVES ACTUALLY ARE.  DO IT SOON. DO IT NOW.

Unlovingly yours,

AJ

New Guy

Ok, so Lucas isn’t exactly new, but he’s newly signed as an entry level  contract.  Lessio represents the best scoring prospect we have.  We have other prospects that scored more goals (Shinnimin) and have nifty playmaking skills (Miele), but Lucas just puts the puck in the damn net.  He can do it on a box, he can do it with a fox.  He can do it on a breakaway, he can do it, yay, yay, yay.  He isn’t known as a two-way forward (like every freaking other one of our prospects are), but we could use a goal scorer not named Brett MacLean.  He’ll be in Portland this year.

Martinook

We also signed our second round pick, Jordan Martinook.  “They” compare his game to Milan Lucic.  Meh.  We will see.  He’s bound for Portland this year.

********** back to my rant now:

You know who this lockout dicks over the most?  The prospects who were trying to make the team …….BRANDON GORMLEY.  When action actually resumes, he will have little time to really make an impression (not that he hasn’t already built a reputation of being a fucking stud extraordinaire).  Do you think GMDM keeps Gorms with such a short look over known quantities like Schlem, Stone, or Summers?  Doubtful.

What about kids like Evan Bloodoff and Jordan Szwarz?  They could possibly wrestle the Non-BizNasty pressbox roster spot, but with such little time?  Screwed over.

FINE, NHL/NHLPA.  TAKE CAMP AWAY FROM ME.  TAKE THE POSSIBILITY OF BABY ROOKIES AWAY FROM ME.  FUCKING TAKE IT ALL, I DON’T WANT IT.  GO DIVE IN YOUR MONEY BINS WITH SCROOGE MCDUCK.  I’LL JUST SIT OVER HERE AND FIND OTHER THINGS THAT INTEREST ME.  KEEP THIS SHIT UP LONG ENOUGH, AND THEY MAY END UP INTERESTING MORE THAN YOU AND YOUR DRAMA.

Honestly, I’m not even that excited about the possibility of a season.  And that should have the NHL quaking in it’s boots.  You know me.  I’m freaking CRAZY about hockey.  I’m a season ticket holder.  I buy stupid amounts of hockey stuff.  I tweet hockey 24/7.  I have this friggen blog!  I WENT TO EUROPE TO SEE THE OPENER.

If I, crazy fan, am feeling blah about hockey, the casual fans must be totally over it.  Wanna fight over $$$$$$?  What $$$$?  There will be no $$$$.

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