Lockout, A Torturing Troll, and A Crapload of GIFs.

The lockout.  The motherfucking lockout.  It’s like having a wound that won’t heal because you’re tied down, helpless, while a little troll continually stabs you in your intestines while keeping you awake 24/7 screaming HOCKEY RELATED REVENUE, CONTRACT INCOME VARIANCE, AND PENSIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNS.  Your friends can’t help you because they, too, are tied down with trolls of their own.  Meanwhile, some of your favorite players are tweeting you pictures of vacations in tropical places.  Them = vaca.  You = troll stabbing.  What. the. fuck.

fangurl5 blam spew lightning GIF22 gif21 gif14 flip lid

But then, one day, when you least expect it………..

It’s like any other day.  OOOOOH THE DEADLINE IS COMING.  THEY ARE CLOSE.  Fuck.  Tell me something I haven’t heard since like NOVEMBER 3RD.  They work late into the night.  YEAH WELL SO DOES MY STABBING TROLL, OK?

But then. It. Happens.

THE STABBY TROLL STARTS TO CHOKE AND COUGH.  Your first thought is OMG FUCKING GROSS TROLL HAIRBALL.  But the choking doesn’t stop and the hairball never appears. DING DONG THE TROLL IS DEAD.  Could this mean…………?

HOCKEY IS BACK?

(For the purposes of the next section, the role of me will be played by a little boy and Will Smith).

HOCKEY'S BACK?

HOCKEY’S BACK?

 

I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN'T EVENNNNNNNNNNNNNN

I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN’T EVENNNNNNNNNNNNNN

fangurl7

O YES, O YES, THE HOCKEYYYYYYYY

MAKE ME SHAKE MY AAAAAASS

MAKE ME SHAKE MY AAAAAASS

GUYS.  DOESN’T JUST SAVE US.  Some of the players were hurting.  They were stuck and thought they needed to find new careers.

fangurl8

 

NO MARTY.  DON'T DO IT!  THERE IS HOCKEY!  YOU CAN GO BACK TO SHUTTING DOWN JOE THORNTON.  MARTY FOR THE LOVE OF HOWE, PUT A FUCKING SHIRT ON AND GET ON A PLANE.  SERIOUSLY, THEY WON'T LET YOU ON THE PLANE WITHOUT A SHIRT.

NO MARTY. DON’T DO IT! THERE IS HOCKEY! YOU CAN GO BACK TO SHUTTING DOWN JOE THORNTON. MARTY FOR THE LOVE OF HOWE, PUT A FUCKING SHIRT ON AND GET ON A PLANE. SERIOUSLY, THEY WON’T LET YOU ON THE PLANE WITHOUT A SHIRT.

AND YOU, BLOG READER, HAVE SOME DECENCY AND ADVERT YOUR EYES.  HE WAS IN A VULNERABLE POSITION AND THERE YOU ARE, ALL LOOKING.  I SAY ADVERT YOUR EYES!

AND THOSE OF YOUR WHO ARE ALL

gif13

 

I WILL FIND YOU.

Ok, Back to the excite.

Guys, HOCKEY!

gif19 gif9 gif7 holy1 z1 fangurl1 fangurl fangurl2

So first things first:

1) I NEED THE NEW SCHEDULE.  LIKE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

2) I need to buy a new personal schedule because my calendar has all these fake games written in it.  Haha, remember when we got to see Eastern Conference Teams?  I HATE YOU NHL.  I see these Western Conference jackwagons all the time.  I WANT TO SEE GENO.  MAKE IT HAPPEN.

3) Guys, who the hell is even on our team?  WHO IS GONNA BE THE 7TH DMAN?  OMG I BET IT’S RUNDBLAD CUZ HE’S BEEN RIPPING IT UP IN PORTLAND (more about this in a post later this week)

4) We still have Raffi Torres.  :|

Yay Raffi.  :|

Yay Raffi. :|

5)  GUESS WHO IS ON A PLANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4qpgo

6) Replace “School” with “The Job” and “long holiday” with “lockout” and this is totally how I feel:

fangurl47)  GUYS, WE ARE BACK!  WE’RE BACK!  THERE’S GONNA BE A BANNER AT THE JOB!  WE’RE BACK!  IT EVEN MAKES SHANE DOAN SAY BAD WORDS!

POTTY MOUTH DOAN

8) Marty

5449530884_a93c9db454_b (1) 24d0uhd_94068089 gif3 gif gif16

 

SEE YOU SOON, THE BLOG IS BACK (AT LEAST FOR NOW!)  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY HOCKEY!

gif10 gif1 gif5

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I Say, Zip Up Your Pants, Sir!

z7

 

I AM BREAKING UP WITH THE NHL.  WE’RE DONE.  IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU.  WE NEED TO END THIS BEFORE IT BECOMES BLOODY.

JK.  But seriously, the lockout needs to end.  Not just for me.  For the boys.  Let’s check in and see what they are up to, shall we?

I FRICKIN' LOVE THE VRB.

I FRICKIN’ LOVE THE VRB.

I FRICKIN’ MISS THE VRB.  Vrb was over playing with the team he is a partial owners of and playing with his brother, but he’s back in town.

VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRB

VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRB

gif17

So what is Lauri up to?

Not much, playin’ some puck and being all famous n shit.

HE HAS HIS FACE ON A GIANT ..........OMG I NEED THAT

HE HAS HIS FACE ON A GIANT ……….OMG I NEED THAT

GUYS, FINLAND TREATS HIM SO MUCH BETTER THAN WE DO.  We need to work on getting his face on a giant banner.  COME BACK HOME LAURI, WE WILL DO BETTER!

Umm, he also stands by rivers and stuff in his spare times.  Cuz that’s what you do in Finland.  It’s a culture thing.

hanzo7

Boeds?  BOEDS!

hanzo11WHATCHA DOIN’ MIKKEL?!?!?!  Boeds is also still in Finland, but with no faces on banners, that I have found.  Pretty sure Denmark is working on getting his face on the national flag, so there’s that.

So, he also has been standing in a park.  I’m telling you, it’s Finland, it’s a culture thing!

Stand in front of the leaves....... yeah, that looks good

Stand in front of the leaves……. yeah, that looks good

 

Gratuitous Mads Boedker picture.

Gratuitous Mads Boedker picture.  <3

So far, everyone seems to be doing well and no one needs an adult.

And then, we have Marty.

Who clearly needs an adult.

HE DOESN'T LOOK HAPPY DOES HE?  TELL ME HE DOESN'T LOOK HAPPY

HE DOESN’T LOOK HAPPY DOES HE? TELL ME HE DOESN’T LOOK HAPPY

HE ISN’T HAPPY.  HAPPINESS = NOT HIM.  I fear his lack of happiness is driving him to do self-destructive things……… such as:

TAKE WAY TOO CLOSE UP OF PICTURES.  BACK UP CHILD

TAKE WAY TOO CLOSE UP OF PICTURES. BACK UP CHILD

AND THEN THERE IS THIS RIDICULOUSNESS:

DO UP YOUR PANTS SIR.  AND FIND A SHIRT.  I BET YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE SHOES ON.

DO UP YOUR PANTS SIR. AND FIND A SHIRT. I BET YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE SHOES ON.

MARTY.  WTF.  SERIOUSLY, WTF?  FIRST YOU GET THE TATTOO THAT DOESN’T HAVE PROPER ENGLISH ON IT AND NOW THIS?  I’M THIS CLOSE TO CALLING NANNY 911 ON YOU, OR WORSE…….. IM CALLING VRBY.

Now I know some of you are like

gif8

 

and some of you are like

O.M.G.  COULD IT BE TIME FOR THE RETURN?

but trust me, it’s like this:

zomg

 

See, we need hockey back, if for no other reason than I’m concerned that some slick Czech photog is gonna sweet talk ………. WE JUST NEED HOCKEY BACK OK?

THIS LOOKS WEIRD

THIS LOOKS WEIRD

BTW MARTY, WE DON’T SEE PICTURES OF OLIVER BEING RIDICULOUS.  TAKE NOTES.

gif18

 

 

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Wanted: Precious Foreigners For Temporary Position Of Adulation

Killing time during the lockout is hard.  What do you do with all your extra time when you’re used to going to hockey 2 to 3 times and watching hockey 2-3 other times per week?!?!

Western Conference Finals?  IT WAS GOING SO WELL.  IT WAS RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME.  ALAS:

Now it’s all about finding filler.

My first endeavor was going to up to see the Sundogs play in Prescott.  I got to see Chipchura and Schlemko play, which was alright.  They aren’t exactly my favorites, but hey, it was hockey.

Chuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup

It was a good time.  They have two Swedes.  There was entertainment.  It was hockey.  But…….. it was a bit of a trek.  Haha, look a me sounding like an east-side Yotes fan.  It’s a viable time killer.

Jack Black = NHL
Ron Burgandy = NHLPA
Baxter = Me
Thanks for standing by and doing nothing, NHLPA, while the NHL punts me.

My next experiment was going to the Suns.  Well, it was an event.  I’m not sure I really liked the event, but it was an event none-the-less.  I used to really like basketball……. you know……. before I liked hockey.  Hockey has ruined all other sports for me because it has completely enhanced my sports ADD.  I constantly need something going on!

The best part was probably the foreigner.  THEY HAVE A FOREIGNER!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, I got you guys this:  http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xi8ikkOUleE/T_YJ4g8-4UI/AAAAAAAAAlo/z6zYV8zzzNk/s1600/025.jpg

I kinda luffle him.  Not Marty/Oliver/Vrby/Z level of luffle, but hard times call for hard choices.

I MISS MAR

The Coyotes should be worried.  There are two options within a reasonable drive that can fulfill my foreign needs.  There is no hockey, yet life continues to move forward.  I guess I can technically live without it.  Plus, I have extra cash.

Yep, the Coyotes organization and the players should both be worried.

I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU. JK, LUFFLE YOU FOR ALL MY LIVES

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Kessy in a Messy

U Y MAKE ME DO DIS?!?!?!?!

I greatly enjoy Kale Kessy.  He has been on my list of prospects that I always look forward to seeing at camps because he fits my ideal qualifications of a gritty, tough, two-way forward and he’s a BB, so hey, I’m in.

Here’s the problem:  Kale was suspended 12 games for, in the opinion of the WHL, an obvious elbow to the head.  Oy.  And this isn’t the first time he’s had a multi-game suspension.  Last season, Kale received 5 games on 10/7 and 4 games on 11/28.  He also had a 1 game suspension in March for a game misconduct.

Oh, it goes back further.  The season before last?  3 total games suspended.

Unfortunately, this pattern of behavior smacks of poor judgement.  And we all know whose ass I constantly ride about poor judgment.

OH SHIT, SHE SHANKS PEOPLE.

And in case you’re new and don’t know how I feel about Raffi, it’s basically this:

This. All of this.

It’s not like roughness is Kale’s only skill.  I mean, he has scored a goal in each of the two games he has played this season.  Granted, that rate greatly exceeds his offensive prowess from the past two seasons (10g, 14a in 65games & 4g, 12a in 49games), but he doesn’t need to be quite this…………. Torres-esque.

KALE, PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME A HYPOCRITE.  I NO LIKE IT.

 

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DIAF NHL & NHLPA

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN………..

The first weekend or two in September are possibly literally my favorite weekends in the entire year.  There is nothing I love more than having rookie and main camp.  Nothing.  You miss hockey all summer, it’s unbearable!  Then, the kids come in and you get a chance to see what they’ve got on ice that isn’t utterly crappy, sorry Ice Den.  You get to see pro tryout guys try to land a contract. I get to take beautiful pictures of Brandon Gormley.  Then, the big guys come back.  OMG MARTY.  OMG OEL.  OMG RADIM.  OOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Z!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU GUYS, Z!  Z!  Z!

So this post should contain an OBNOXIOUS amount of pictures of baby rookies (BB Goalie, Brandon, Darian, Kale………) with lots of CAPS LOCK and lots of !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’s.  Instead, you are getting this:

HEY FUCKWADS (NHL/NHLPA),

GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR RESPECTIVE ASSES AND WORK SOMETHING OUT.  OWNERS, QUIT BEING SO FUCKING GREEDY.  PLAYERS, TAKE A LOOK AT THE UNEMPLOYMENT RATE AND THEN CRY ME YOUR RIVER.  I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT EITHER OF YOUR SIDES AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SWAY ME WITH YOUR TWITTER BULLSHIT.  PEOPLE WANT HOCKEY TO GET AWAY FROM THEIR PROBLEMS.  SOMETHING TO DISTRACT US FROM THE ACTUAL SHIT IN THE WORLD THAT IS WRONG.  INSTEAD, YOU GIVE US MORE SHIT TO BE PISSED ABOUT.  A LOCKOUT OVER MONEY?  PFFT.  I’D GET BEHIND AN ACTUAL WAR OVER PLAYER SAFETY.  MONEY?  SERIOUSLY?  I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE BURIED IN STUDENT LOANS…….. OH WAIT, NOT SO MUCH.  AND OWNERS?  JESUS H CHRIST, DON’T GET ME STARTED.  PLAY.  ENTERTAIN.  KEEP US FROM TOO CLOSELY EXAMINING HOW CRAPPY OUR LIVES ACTUALLY ARE.  DO IT SOON. DO IT NOW.

Unlovingly yours,

AJ

New Guy

Ok, so Lucas isn’t exactly new, but he’s newly signed as an entry level  contract.  Lessio represents the best scoring prospect we have.  We have other prospects that scored more goals (Shinnimin) and have nifty playmaking skills (Miele), but Lucas just puts the puck in the damn net.  He can do it on a box, he can do it with a fox.  He can do it on a breakaway, he can do it, yay, yay, yay.  He isn’t known as a two-way forward (like every freaking other one of our prospects are), but we could use a goal scorer not named Brett MacLean.  He’ll be in Portland this year.

Martinook

We also signed our second round pick, Jordan Martinook.  “They” compare his game to Milan Lucic.  Meh.  We will see.  He’s bound for Portland this year.

********** back to my rant now:

You know who this lockout dicks over the most?  The prospects who were trying to make the team …….BRANDON GORMLEY.  When action actually resumes, he will have little time to really make an impression (not that he hasn’t already built a reputation of being a fucking stud extraordinaire).  Do you think GMDM keeps Gorms with such a short look over known quantities like Schlem, Stone, or Summers?  Doubtful.

What about kids like Evan Bloodoff and Jordan Szwarz?  They could possibly wrestle the Non-BizNasty pressbox roster spot, but with such little time?  Screwed over.

FINE, NHL/NHLPA.  TAKE CAMP AWAY FROM ME.  TAKE THE POSSIBILITY OF BABY ROOKIES AWAY FROM ME.  FUCKING TAKE IT ALL, I DON’T WANT IT.  GO DIVE IN YOUR MONEY BINS WITH SCROOGE MCDUCK.  I’LL JUST SIT OVER HERE AND FIND OTHER THINGS THAT INTEREST ME.  KEEP THIS SHIT UP LONG ENOUGH, AND THEY MAY END UP INTERESTING MORE THAN YOU AND YOUR DRAMA.

Honestly, I’m not even that excited about the possibility of a season.  And that should have the NHL quaking in it’s boots.  You know me.  I’m freaking CRAZY about hockey.  I’m a season ticket holder.  I buy stupid amounts of hockey stuff.  I tweet hockey 24/7.  I have this friggen blog!  I WENT TO EUROPE TO SEE THE OPENER.

If I, crazy fan, am feeling blah about hockey, the casual fans must be totally over it.  Wanna fight over $$$$$$?  What $$$$?  There will be no $$$$.

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You May Want To Advert Your Eyes

Holy crap nothing is going on in Coyoteland.  Well, nothing good.

DoanWatch ’12 continues…… in Montreal now.  “Supposedly” there is a deadline of Friday for Jamison to get his ass in gear and make progress on the sale.

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH

Ok, I’m not THAT worried about it, as I always have a Plan B.

I may, or may not, be in possession of The Ark.  AND I WILL OPEN THAT BITCH UP, WHEREVER HE SIGNS…………TRY ME.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

I was saving it for a rainy day when I was going to take it to the Peg, but I have my priorities in order, ya know?

SHIT, IS SHE SERIOUS?

YES, SHANE, I FUCKING KID YOU NOT.  MASS FACE MELTING.  IT’S LIKE I AM THE WEAPON THE MAYANS PLANTED.  MELTINGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Speaking of the sale, let’s wrap this shit up people.  So help me God, if you wait around to see how the new CBA is gonna turn out, I’ll shank a fool up in here.  Or apparently melt their faces off.

In related news,  NEED MOAR HOCKEY NEWS.  SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BORED.

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This Isn’t How It Was Supposed To Go

When big tragic events happen, you watch them on TV and are horrified.  It’s tough stuff.  It is so difficult to fathom how such terrible things can happen.  But you never know the people in them, right?  That happens on CNN and MSBNC and the people that have their pictures put up on the screen are ones you don’t recognize.  It’s very sad, but the loss is always for someone else.  Until it isn’t.

She wasn’t my best friend.  We didn’t hang out.  We never even met in person.  But I know this girl.  We tweeted and DM’d quite a bit.  She started chasing her dream of working in the world of the NHL in San Antonio, working with the then-Coyotes AHL team, the San Antonio Rampage.  With my love of the prospects and the very small pool of people with keen interest in San Antonio hockey, we started following each other two years ago or so.

This is what I can tell you about this girl:  She loved life.  She was crazy, Texan, and feisty.  She fell down a lot.  At really embarrassing times.  It was part of her charm.  She was brave enough to chase her dream, no matter how hard of a road it would be.  Her heart was big.  She was working on setting up a nonprofit to provide hockey equipment for people in Colorado who lost everything in the fires.  Most of our interactions were tossing smartass tweets back and forth, and she had a great sense of humor.

A month ago, I tweeted to her that I was happy she was safe, after she was present for the Toronto mall shooting.  How could this happen?  She escaped there just to have this happen?  Life makes no sense sometimes.

We were just DMing on July 9th about the Coyotes situation and the last thing she ever typed to me was “I hope this goes Y’alls way”.  Always Texan.

Jessica, your light shone so brightly and you touched so many people.  God Bless your family.

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In Hockey, Either You’re In, Or You’re Out.

I’ve been meaning to blog for days, but then this happened:

………… what was I gonna blog about?  OH YEAH IT’S JULY.  FREEEEEEEE AGENTS.

Ray left.  No one was super surprised.  He wanted money.  We’re on food stamps.  Frick.  DAMN YOU GOVERNMENT CHEESE!

His stick doubled as a walking cane.

Unfortunately for us, we let our little Hobbit do a lot of the heavy lifting points-wise.  Replacing 77 points is going to be a bitch.

Let’s see how we’ve been doing…..

Everyone, meet your new Grandpa.

Oh, Grandpa Sully.  Last season, Steve Sullivan had 48 points for the Pens.  He is our new Hobbit (5’8) that we hope helps on the power play and, well, plays in general.

UMM THIS MEANS HE DOESN’T TAKE GAMES OFF FOR INJURY RIGHT?

Chris Conner ~ Another Hobbit (5’8) that has come to us after playing mostly in the AHL for the Team That Shall Not Be Named.  He played a whopping 8 games for the Dedthings last season and had 3 points.

Sullivan?  Conner?  Miele (who we re-signed for 1 yr)?  They’re in danger of being named the “My Little Ponies” line.  Luckily for them, I’m too lazy to photoshop that right now.

GUESS WHO WAS IN GRYFFINDOR Y’ALL.  Expelliarmus!

David Moss.  I don’t know, I’m hoping he grows on me (/insert rimshot).  At least he’s a non-Hobbit (6’4).  He was hurt last year and GMDM was able to pick him up out of the bargin bin.  He’s hanging around for two years @ 2.1 Mil.  Considering that’s about what we would have had to use to qualify Brule, the size and strength on Moss are an upgrade.

Size and strength upgrade.  Pants?  Downgrade.

 

IM DROPPIN’ THE HAMMER. NO UR NOT  /Days of Thunder’d

Rob Klinkhammer.  Klinkhammer.  Apparently, eons ago, his ancestors found that the last name of Hammer was taken.  Therefore, they became Klinkhammers?  He’s gonna have to duke it out with Marek Langhamer to even be my favorite ‘hammer’ in the organization.    And Marek is Czech, so it’s not looking good.  He’s an AHLer.  Maybe an injury call up.

So basically, if you add up Sullivan, Moss, Conner, and Klinkhammer’s points from last year, they have 75.  So with four dudes, we’ve replaced Ray.

Kind of.

Not really.

OH GOD COME BACK GRANDPA RAY RAY.

I may be the only human with girl parts that isn’t sad Pyatt left.  Meh.  His season was so not good last year.  He was ok in playoffs, but…… meh.  He had size, but rarely used it.  And he never got the hang of using his eyes to mesmerize the opponents.

Langkow is still chillin’ as a UFA, as is Rozsival.  Brule is still unattached as well.

:(

Old man Aucoin imparted his wisdom on OEL and then left for Columbus.  Stupid defensive over-population.

The Pou is officially playing in Switzerland next season.  I hate to part with the Pou.  I talked to Alex about staging a Pou-in.  WE WANT POU!  WE WANT POU!  But she thought that it would give people the wrong impression.  :(  Bye Marc-Antoine

Booooooooooo Pouuuuuuuuuuu :(

Alright, let’s talk about Doan.  Wait.  Turn away for a second.

OH GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Ok, you can turn back.  Whew.  I had emotionals there for a sec.  Doan really is doing everything to stay in AZ.  Well, except for signing a 1 yr deal.  But at his age, you can understand that he needs more than a 1yr deal.  What if he had ultra horrible injury?  1 yr deal doesn’t provide for him  like he needs at this stage in his career.  He’ll be back.

He’ll be back.

He’ll be back.

HE’LL BE BACK.    HE’LL BE BACK.     HE’LL BE BACK. SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE

Assuming Doan comes back (because he fucking has to ok?!!?!?!?), this is what we are looking like:

Doan     Vermette     Boeds

Vrby    Marty     Sullivan

Lauri    Boyd     Moss

____ Chipchura   _____ (I refuse to put Bizz in any lineup)

Wait.  What are those openings??!?!?

O.M.G. COULD IT BE TIME FOR THE RETURN?

TEEK, GET THE F OUT OF THAT AQUARIUM, WE NEED YOU

I know we’re gonna make some trades and prolly unload some of our D for a forward.  But there is no way in hell you can convince me that Brule or Bizz or even Pou did anything last season that Teek couldn’t have done or done better.  I SHALL NOT GIVE UP HOPE.

If Z can come back, Teek can come back.  And bring Prucha.  HELL YEAH.

Z / Teek / Pru

 

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RFAs, UFAs, and Doan Forsake Us Shane

The new cap numbers (that mean nothing) look like this:  All teams must spend at least 54.2 million and no more than 70.2 million.  These numbers are nothing more than an extremely loose guide as the new CBA will change these numbers.  But just for LOL-sake, let’s look at what this means.

Last season, our total cap hit was 54.2 million.  WE’RE GOOD!  Except we are gonna look quite different this coming season.  CRAP!  There were 7 teams below us last year in spending (Blues, Preds, Jets, Sens, Canes, Stars, Avs, and Isles).  Looking salary already locked in for next year, only two teams are below us in the race for the floor (Avs 34.9 million and Preds 37.9 million), as we have 38.8 million allocated already for next season.

OH MY FREAKING GOD YOU GUYS, I HAVE A BRILLIANT IDEA HOW WE CAN GET TO THE FLOOR AND UR GONNA LOVE IT

GIVE ZACHARY JUSTIN ALL THE MONIES. ALLLLLLLLLLL THE MONIESSSSSSSSS

Sorry, I had bath salts there for a second.  While signing Parise would be a FREAKING BOON, it won’t happen for us.  Let’s look at where we are, pre-July 1, with our situation.

GB. Stands for Gone Brule

Unless Gilbert pulls a Stempniak and returns to us for a discount after trying the free agent market, he is gone.  With his qualifying offer having to be a bit over 2 million, he was too rich for our blood.  The contract number isn’t surprising considering he was taken sixth overall in 2005, but he should be putting up numbers to earn that salary by now.  Blame the Blue Jackets for dicking him over in the development department.

Speaking of dicking over in the development department……..

WHAT HAVE WE DONE

One of the many reasons I want to shank The Great One in the face is Viktor Tikhonov.  We sent him a qualifying offer to retain his rights.  WHY?  WHY ARE WE KEEPING HIM FROM BEING ABLE TO BE UFA?  No one, NO ONE loves Teek more than me and he deserves to be at least able to see if ANY NHL team would put him on a roster this season. Honestly, with as well as he’s been doing in the KHL with SKA (along with Prucha), I don’t know if he’ll come back for training camp.  I’M SO SORRY WE SCREWED YOU TEEK.

Glad we qualified him, love him.

We also sent a qualifying offer to Summers.  I really like him, but it’s gonna be extremely crowded on D.  If it comes down to him or Schlem, I hope we deal Schlem.  I mean, come on, I’ve sang the Michigan fight song to this man, that’s investment!

I GOT A JOB YO

Chipchura got qualified because he is the equivalent of a steak knife.  You use a steak knife for it’s ACTUAL purpose, but also to open boxes and stab intruders.  Need something done?  Chipchura can prolly do it.  UTILITY.

We also qualified Miele and MacLean.  Tough battle for them to make the team in the Fall. With MacLean, at this point, if he was gonna make it, you’d think he would have made it by now.  When Miele was up last year, he didn’t play ‘big’ enough and got killed on faceoffs.  But at least he would shoot the puck.

We elected not to qualify Brock Trotter, Colin Long, and Nick Ross.  Brock was very “meh” last season.  Colin has had injury issues and had a concussion last season.  He already has a contract with a team in Europe next season.  And Nick Ross?

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

The first round of the 2007 draft was the worst EVER of Coyotes hockey.  EVER.  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER.  FUCKING EVER.

Kyle Turris 3rd overall and Nick Ross 30th overall. Granted, that wasn’t a deep draft at all, but still………… HEAD DESK FOREVERRRRRRRRRRR.

DOAN DO IT SHANE. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOAN

Shane Doan isn’t going anywhere on July 1.  Why?  IT’S A SUNDAY AND HE IS A MAN OF GOD AND GOD SAID THAT ON SUNDAY WE REST OK?  July 2nd we may be boned. I am not super worried about Shane.  He didn’t wait this long to have a decent team to just leave it right after he got 3 games away from the Cup Finals.  BELIEF:  I HAZ IT.

Bye-bye Ray-Ray?

Maybe we can use up some of that cap space by throwing a buttload of money at Ray so he will stay.  He deserves cash.  He wants term.  If anyone can get it done, it’s GMDM.  RAY, Y U WANNA LEAVE UR CZECHS?

I feel like Rozy is gone, Oakie will retire, and maybe Langkow will retire or go somewhere after July 1.

Pyatt?  I don’t know.  He was good in the playoffs and by good, I mean just ok, but better than the season where he was BLAH.  Depends on the price, but I think he’ll go elsewhere after July 1.

WE BETTER SIGN MARC-ANTOINE POULIOT CUZ I GOTTA HAVE THE POU.

POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU

I’d be surprised if we got more than 1 or 2 UFAs with GMDM saying that trades are gonna be our main mode of operation.  I guess we will see.  At least we aren’t trading for Dennis Wideman and paying him 5.25 million dollars.  Bahahahahahahahaa Oh Flames, never change.

Basically, with the temporary cap, we have plenty of room to sign Doan and Whitney.  And we can trade some of our cheap D for some slightly more expensive forwards.  LIKE ZACH PARISE.  YEAAAAAAAAAH.  No.  But yeah.  :D

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It’s Like A Nursery Up In Here ~ BB Coyote Invasion

Nothing better to break up the monotony of summer than to have the BB Yotes come into town for the prospect camp.  Free air conditioning man, it’s priceless.  Google thinks that no one has decent pics of the crop of draftees so here we go ( you can look at all my camp pics here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/yotesgurl/)

1st rd ~ Henrik Samuelsson ~

BULF

2nd rd ~ Jordan Martinook

Nookie

3rd rd ~ James Melindy ~ Super Ginger’s gear was held up by customs and he wasn’t on the ice the first two days of camp.

Famous artist’s rendering of Super Ginger

4th rd ~ Rhett Holland

Turns out, he DOES give a damn

5th rd ~ Niklas Tikkinen

BB D-Finn, as opposed to BB O-Finn which is Alex

6th rd ~ Samuel Hunter Fejes the Third

Hunter………..Sam…………….III …… nickname undecided

7th Rd ~ (Marek Langhamer isn’t at camp so…..)  Justin Hache

Blinky McBlinkerton

The first day of camp is always a write-off because the vast majority of kids haven’t been skating recently.  Pair that with their nerves and you basically have a shitshow.  Granted, it’s hard for me to see of a lot of what is going on when I’m dinking around with my camera, but here’s a bit of what I’ve noticed from camp:

~ There is no OEL in this group.  Even during his first camp, Oliver was so heads and shoulders above every other prospect (even with guys 4 yrs older than him).  You could just tell he was going to be special.  That being said, that isn’t typically the kind of player we draft anyways.

~ Brandon Gormley.  Holy crap I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see what is going to happen for this kid in the Fall.  He has the skill to be an NHL player this year, but with us bringing Z back….. and we all know how Tippett feels about kids…… I now feel like Gormley could be in the AHL and be an injury-call up guy.  You know how Klesla loves to take pucks of his face (wear an f-ing visor).  But … I don’t know, it’s a tough call.  I love, love, this kid.  He doesn’t seem as “physical”, but that’s because he’s so smart about his positioning that he doesn’t need to knock a guy on his ass to get the puck away.  Smart kid, humble, love him.

Brandon, Alex, and Henrik

~ Alexander Ruuttu ~ BEANPOLE.  He’s tall and lanky.  I feel like if he had a baggy sweatshirt on that I could use him as a kite.  Alex actually looks remarkably better than last camp.  I don’t know if that says that he improved that much over the year or if he was just that nervous last year.  While he’s skinny, he can get out of a corner with the puck.  He’s been paired with Samuelsson for a lot of the drills and they have some kind of European magic happening where they are noticeably better than a lot of the other pairings.  It’s no fluke he was an early 2nd rd pick last year.

Chris Brown ~ It’s no secret that I’m high on Brown.  He’s not really a top six forward, but letting him develop in college has really paid off.  He’s gritty, he can be mean, and plays that two-way Coyotes hockey.  His only hurdle is going to be that we have some other similar players.  Plus, how can you not love a kid from Texas playing hockey?

Niklas Tikkinen ~ Our BB D-Finn is tiny.  He flipped from being a forward to playing defense only two years ago.  Luckily for him, we have 9000 Dmen so he can develop for like another 12 years and then worry about playing.  Unfortunately for him, we have 9000 Dmen.  At this point, it’s basically a curse to be drafted by us if you are a dman.

Lucas Lessio ~ Purely offensively speaking, he may be the 1st or 2nd most skilled player.  He knows what to do on a breakaway.

Brendan Shinnimin ~ After completely kicking ass and taking names in the WHL the last two seasons, I am so interested to see what Brendan does in the AHL.  He’s definitely a smaller player, but we apparently don’t shy away from that (O hai Ray Whitney and Andy Miele).  He got shoved around a bit during camp scrimmage, so, we will see…..

Shinnimin

Evan Bloodoff & Jordan Szwarz ~ They haven’t been super noticeable in the first two days of camp, but it’s completely possible it’s because I’ve seen them so much and I’ve been trying to pay more attention to the new kids?  As always, Evan is speedy and I wouldn’t want to be in the corner against Jordan.

Phil Lane ~ This child also knows how to put the puck in the net. He’s going to the AHL next year after signing his entry level deal in April-ish.

Phil Lane

Brett Hextall ~ pure hussle.

Ethan Werek ~ I’m totally bummed that we traded Oscar Lindberg to NY for Werek.  He blends in and didn’t stand out for me on either day.

Connor Murphy ~ Connor is out for camp.  He’s here, but with his arm in a cast.  This kid just can’t catch a break in the injury department.

Justin Weller ~ Weller isn’t on the ice.  Don’t know what’s up here.

Matheiu Brodeur ~ I heard some people talking about how Matheiu is standing out at camp.  Guys, this is fourth or fifth year.  He’s big, yes, but his skating?  He didn’t play a lot in the AHL last season, is all I’m saying.

Mark Louis ~ WHO ARE YOU?  WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?  He’s alright.  He’s old (’87 baby).  This is all I have.  In related news, guys with names that could be two first names confuse the hell out of me.

Mark Louis

Pro tryout ~ Nick MacNeil ~ HE IS SO TALL.  I mean, like, not MARTY tall, but I’m pretty sure Shinnimin could skate through his legs and Nick could still go on to have a family, if you know what I’m saying.  He’s been pretty good.  Wouldn’t be surprised if we bring him back to main camp or sign him at some pt for the AHL this year?

Jordan Martinook ~ Ok, here’s the thing.  Much like the infinitely loved Kale Kessy, I don’t think Jordan is able to really show his game in camp.  When people say that your game is similar to Milan Lucic, you can’t beat the crap out of people in camp.  It’s frowned upon.  I haven’t seen a ton from him, but I don’t think this is an accurate representation of what he brings.

Rhett Holland ~ Effort.  Man, in the battle drills he TRIES.  Like tries noticeably more than  most of the others.  Haven’t seen a lot of offensive side, but he admits that it isn’t really a part of his game.  I like him a lot and as he develops over the next couple of seasons, I think a lot of other people are gonna like him a lot too.   Stay tuned on this kid.

Samuel Hunter Fejes the Third ~ I enjoy Samuel Hunter Fejes the Third so much that every time I say his name, it’s going to be Samuel Hunter Fejes the Third because I think he is worth the extra typing.  He is not amazing at one thing, but he’s pretty good at everything.  He’s a good skater.  He doesn’t get shoved on his ass very often.  He can put the puck in the net.  He’s going to college to become a learned man so we won’t see much of Samuel Hunter Fejes the Third in the next couple years, I think this is a sixth rd pick that will turn out to be smart.

Two of my fav forwards ~ Kale & Samuel Hunter Fejes the Third

Speaking of good ol’ Kale Kessy, what’s up with him?  Well, I’m glad you asked.  I don’t know.  He’s just kinda chillin’ at camp.  Unable to brutalize and maim, he is just skatin’ and shootin’.  He’ll be back for main camp when hits are a bit more ok. ;)

So this may be completely inaccurate because I’ve also been busy taking pics, but there’s a bit of a glimpse at camp.

You know I can’t leave you without a little bit of BB Goalie, right?

He’s internalized being BB Goalie so much that it’s now on his helmet.

Busted. Not awkward at all. Lies. Totes awkward.

Darian and his hair

Samuel Hunter Fejes the Third

I WON A MEMORIAL CUP GUYZ YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Kale

Ruu

Darian has jokes?

BB Goalie

OH CAMP, SUCH FUN

 

 

 

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