Yandle 2pts, Yotes 1pt

James Neal.  Coyote D, you had one job.  ONE JOB.  AVENGE THE PRUCHA.  DO NOT ALLOW THE TWATHEAD TO SCORE.  Of course, the defense was all

coyotes defense

THREE DUDES ON ONE GUY, SURELY NO ONE IS OPEN IS OUR MANTRA

So yeah, James Neal, my arch-nemesis, the bane of my hockey existence, man I once threatened to fight in the parking lot, scored.  Of course he did.

SCRATCH MY OWN EYES OUT SO I DON'T HAVE TO WITNESS

SCRATCH MY OWN EYES OUT SO I DON’T HAVE TO WITNESS

AJ FLYING KICK

AJ FLYING KICK

shank

Yes, it’s been years, but my rage memory is long.  In related news, GODDAMNIT RIBIERO.  YOU score?  Where the hell was that last year?  We paid you 10K to play the game tonight and Nashville paid you 5K and you score on US?  Ungrateful.

In non-shanking news, IT WAS YANDLE’S 500TH GAME!!!!!!  He has, thus far, survived all the Yandle trade demanders.  SUCK IT HATERS.  And a very hearty F-U to all the Coyote “fans” who have booed Yands in his own arena.  You know who you all are.

To celebrate your awesomeness Yands, Imma get a Yandle mask for Howl-o-ween.

OMG THIS IS TERRIFYING

OMG THIS IS TERRIFYING

To celebrate his 500th game, Yandleface got a goal!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  He also had an assist on the goal from the Czech who shall not be named.  GOOD JOB YANDS!!!!

Klink also dropped the hammer.  Good job Klink!  Hopefully you can keep it up because the goals, they be not plentiful.

The game went into overtime.  The Yotes had a good opportunity to play 4 on 3 to start OT when karma dealt James Neal a penalty for existing.  Doan, Antoine, Olli, and Yands were out there for the whole power play and it almost bit us in the ass.  When Neal came out of the box, he ended up with the puck and Olli barely was able to knock the puck away and stave off a goal that would have been the end of me.

Seriously.

Seriously.

SHOOTOUT!  OMG OMG OMG PUT IN VRBATA.  Wait.

Radim Vrbata, where are youuuuuuuuuu?

Radim Vrbata, where are youuuuuuuuuu?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo

Need Vrby

Need Vrby

This.

This.

No Vrby.  Boeds, someone, Antoine, Czech who shall not be named.

Someone?  That’s how not memorable it was, I literally forgot that Gagner shot.  Antoine was the only one to score.

It should be noted that Dubnyk got the start tonight instead of Smith.  Tippett said something along the lines of ‘we need someone who consistently makes big saves’.  OOOOOOOOO BURN.  Obviously, he read my last blog entry and is willing to start examining the goalie options.  HEADS UP BB GOALIE!

The points are still not good.  5 points in 5 games.  You can totally tell that most of the other teams in the division and conference got better.  Some, significantly better. The Coyotes sure as hell did not get better and it will be a struggle all year.  You can’t get blood from a rock.  You can run a system and get some wins, but is that what is going to fill the arena?  How long until the Be A Goner to Get Connor (McDavid) (OMG TOTALLY TRADEMARKING THAT) campaign starts?  But then #1 picks don’t necessarily work out, AMIRITE EDMONTON?

CONNORRRRRRRRRR

CONNORRRRRRRRRR

Finally:  Proof that the Marty/Vrb bond still exists:

Edmonton Olers v Vancouver Canucks

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The Yotes Are On Fire

I was on the fence about going to the game tonight.  I really wanted to see Paul Stastny.  I was still riding the good hockey vibes from the last game.  Tickets were cheap.  But, in the end, I didn’t go and HOLY BALLS WAS THAT THE BEST DECISION I’VE MADE, LIKE, EVER.

There aren’t really words for the game, so here ya go:

Tire fire is putting it mildly.

TIRE FIRE — putting it mildly.

At some point during the game I switched from wanting a Coyote comeback to wanting to see how horrific it could get.  It ended up being above a giant zit right before prom and just under a puppy being run over in the street.

The one kind of good-ish thing was Lauri scored!  See, I didn’t even use capslock, that’s how bad the game was.  Hold on, let me work on this.

LAURI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AJ, that felt pathetic and forced and I'd rather you didn't.

AJ, that felt pathetic and forced and I’d rather you didn’t.  I am disappoint.

I’M SORRY.  THAT GAME WAS SO………………UGH.

We don’t really have any offense to talk about.  The defense leaves me speechless in an atrocity-type of way.  LET’S START IN GOAL, SHALL WE?  What ARE our goalie options?

Mike Smith – “Starter”  15 goals allowed in 3 games.  $5.7 Million

I keep this mask on so you no know who I be

I keep this mask on so you no know who I be

Not all of the goals are the fault of Mike Smith.  That is obvious and logical.  WELL LOGICAL IS NOT HOW WE OPERATE ON THIS BLOG.  BURN THE EFFIGY.  Some of the goals have been SOFT.  No bueno.  When you are the highest paid player on the team and you have a long ass contract, you better be the best player on the ice, not every night, but consistently.  “We just need him to be average to above average”.  So the highest paid player just has to be average when OEL is consistently great?  I see that lack of logic is not confined to just this blog.  But it’s ok, we have a backup.

TOO 'SPENSIVE.  NEED MOAR GOALZ

TOO ‘SPENSIVE. NEED MOAR GOALZ

Devan Dubnyk – “Backup” – 800K (last year he made 3.7 Million)

Self-waterboarding

Self-waterboarding

When your #1 goalie is coming off a so-so year that ended in significant injury, you make sure you have a solid backup goalie.  When I think of solid goaltending, the first thing I think of is the Edmonton Oilers.  AND THEN I LAUGH HYSTERICALLY BECAUSE ZOMG OILERS.  BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I don’t hate Dubnyk and he is a deal at that price, but what is the price of winning?  It’s ok, we haz prospects.

Louis Domingue – “BB Goalie”  “Best Goalie In The World” — Priceless

MAJESTIC MOFO

MAJESTIC MOFO

JUST LOOK.  Full disclosure:  LITERALLY the first words I ever said to this kid were “I love you, you are the best goalie”.  That being said, I am totally impartial when evaluating hockey potential.

Ok maybe not

Ok maybe not

I’m not completely delusional.  BB Goalie is going to be hard fought for games in the AHL against McKenna and Visentin, let alone trying to vie for a cup of coffee with the big team.  BUT I CAN DREAM OK?  I would legit go back to being a season ticket holder if this occurred.

Ilya Bryzgalov – Free Agent –  Prolly $5 cuz he’s still making mad Flyer cash

How big is your five hole Bryz?

How big is your five hole Bryz?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH can you even imagine?  CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE?  Bryz is a hot mess.  The Coyotes are a hot mess.  HOW BIG CAN THIS TIRE FIRE GET?

Chris “CK” Kase – “Youngblood”  — Price pending negotiations with his agent, which is me

CK FOR GOALIE -2014

CK FOR GOALIE -2014

1.  Ignore the uniform, he isn’t Russian.  Unless you are looking for a Russian goalie, in which case, THAT BOY IS FROM THE RUSSIAS.

2.  He would be the Rudy of the NHL.  Want behind the scenes footage?  TRAINING MONTAGES.  He can even fight Varlamov, the woman beater, because chivalry:  he haz it.

3.  As his agent, I would get money and maybe could upgrade this crappy blog.  WE ALL WIN.

************************************************************************************

I didn’t want to address this, but since he hasn’t magically healed, I guess we better.  There was an accident.  Marty.

Since drawing arrows towards ACTUAL Marty's junk makes me feel weird, the role of Marty will be played by Godzilla, Marty's stunt double.

Since drawing arrows towards ACTUAL Marty’s junk makes me feel weird, the role of Marty will be played by Godzilla, Marty’s stunt double.

MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTY DOWN!  Not a drill!!!!!  He couldn’t get up and needed help off the ice and back to the lockerroom.

MAAAARTY!!!!! LET ME GO, HE NEEDS MEEEEEEEEE

MAAAARTY!!!!! LET ME GO, HE NEEDS MEEEEEEEEE

And then Z goes down and is in pain and had actual tears on the bench and I was all:

Marty owwies.  Z owwies.  ALL THE CZECHS ARE DED.

Marty owwies. Z owwies. ALL THE CZECHS ARE DED.

Don’t think you are off the hook, offense and defense.  You will soon get reviewed.  Here is a sneak peek:

COYOTES DEFENSE

COYOTES DEFENSE

Coyotes offense - minus Boedker

COYOTES OFFENSE (minus Boedker)

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MMB Hat Charity

What is the MMB Hat Charity you may ask. ….

Write it down, it's gonna be a thing.

Write it down, it’s gonna be a thing.

BABY DANE.  ALL THE GOALS.  ALL THE DANISH GOALS. ALL THE HATS FOR THE DANISH GOALS!!!!!!!!

The speed.  The actual shooting instead of passing.  The success instead of potential.  MIKKEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Dude, OEL and I have been Mikkel fans since before it was cool to be Mikkel fans.

Hipster Mikkel Fans

Hipster Mikkel Fans

Boeds had two goals going into the third.  The freaking Oilers pulled their goalie with about 18 minutes left in the period.  Ok, like three minutes, but that is FREAKING CRAZY EARLY!!!!  I mean it wasn’t like Scrivens was really stopping much anyways, but pulling the goalie that early?  EAKINS IS CRAY CRAY.

YAY EMPTY NET.  Wait, we can't score

YAY EMPTY NET. Wait, we can’t score

It looked like the Yotes were gonna go the whole freaking three minutes with no empty net goal (and be ultra embarrassed) when it happened.  Mikkel got the puck and had an empty net and the entire arena was all :

DO IT BABY DANE

DO IT BABY DANE

I was so freaking excited to witness his hat trick and just see how in the mother freaking zone Mikkel is.  I cried legit tears when Doan got his hat trick.  I was so happy for Baby Dane that I welled up a little bit.  IT WAS DUSTY IN THERE OK?

Contract Year Baby

OMG AJ that is a lot of hearts and dollar signs.  PRESSURE.

Mikkel was obviously the first star of the game.  With 5 goals just three games into the season, I have the feeling that Baby Dane will be a perma-star.  Can we do that?  Like, Mikkel is perma-#1 and you other biotches better be fighting for #2?  I KNOW, LET’S NOT GET CARRIED AWAY, OEL IS STILL THE MOST BESTEST.

 

Come on OEL, it's time for the 3 stars of the game....

Come on OEL, it’s time for the 3 stars of the game….

Halfway through the year, this will be Boeds' 3-star entrance

Halfway through the year, this will be Boeds’ 3-star entrance

There were non-wonderful parts of the game.  I still want to hot-glue Mike Smith into the net about 75% of the time.  There were ugly defensive moments that led directly to goals.  Thank God for the Oiler defense or we would have been screwed.  I didn’t particularly love the third or fourth lines.  In related news, the Oilers put four goals on us WITHOUT NUGENT-HOPKINS.  NO BUENO.  VERY NO BUENO.

But hey, Chipchura had a goal!  So did Klink.  So did Murph!  So did the Czech that I don’t love and therefore will never be mentioned because he doesn’t deserve to share monikers with the most wonderful hockey player ever.

Good Job Chip!

You go, boys!

The hard part of the game?  Boyd.  BOYD!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  MY HEART!!!!!  Boyd, come home.  Your parentals dwell in Goodyear, why must you run away from home like this!  You are wonderful and good and this is what I have to say to those who let you get away (mainly Mike Smith’s fat ass pockets, which I blame for the loss of Boyd, Vrby, the national deficit, and the spread of ebola):

24/7

24/7/52

It felt good to be back at hockey and especially since there were actual goals being scored.  Who is gonna volunteer to keep up this offense explosion?

I knew I could count on you Baby Dane!!!!

I knew I could count on you Baby Dane!!!!

Also, if Mikkel has a killer year (which he will because it is a contract year and hockey karma hates the Coyotes), I will have great excuses to insert gratuitous Mads pics.  Please hockey Gods, make it so.

HEEEEEEEEY MADS

HEEEEEEEEY MADS

gif10

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Lockout, A Torturing Troll, and A Crapload of GIFs.

The lockout.  The motherfucking lockout.  It’s like having a wound that won’t heal because you’re tied down, helpless, while a little troll continually stabs you in your intestines while keeping you awake 24/7 screaming HOCKEY RELATED REVENUE, CONTRACT INCOME VARIANCE, AND PENSIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNS.  Your friends can’t help you because they, too, are tied down with trolls of their own.  Meanwhile, some of your favorite players are tweeting you pictures of vacations in tropical places.  Them = vaca.  You = troll stabbing.  What. the. fuck.

fangurl5 blam spew lightning GIF22 gif21 gif14 flip lid

But then, one day, when you least expect it………..

It’s like any other day.  OOOOOH THE DEADLINE IS COMING.  THEY ARE CLOSE.  Fuck.  Tell me something I haven’t heard since like NOVEMBER 3RD.  They work late into the night.  YEAH WELL SO DOES MY STABBING TROLL, OK?

But then. It. Happens.

THE STABBY TROLL STARTS TO CHOKE AND COUGH.  Your first thought is OMG FUCKING GROSS TROLL HAIRBALL.  But the choking doesn’t stop and the hairball never appears. DING DONG THE TROLL IS DEAD.  Could this mean…………?

HOCKEY IS BACK?

(For the purposes of the next section, the role of me will be played by a little boy and Will Smith).

HOCKEY'S BACK?

HOCKEY’S BACK?

 

I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN'T EVENNNNNNNNNNNNNN

I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN’T EVENNNNNNNNNNNNNN

fangurl7

O YES, O YES, THE HOCKEYYYYYYYY

MAKE ME SHAKE MY AAAAAASS

MAKE ME SHAKE MY AAAAAASS

GUYS.  DOESN’T JUST SAVE US.  Some of the players were hurting.  They were stuck and thought they needed to find new careers.

fangurl8

 

NO MARTY.  DON'T DO IT!  THERE IS HOCKEY!  YOU CAN GO BACK TO SHUTTING DOWN JOE THORNTON.  MARTY FOR THE LOVE OF HOWE, PUT A FUCKING SHIRT ON AND GET ON A PLANE.  SERIOUSLY, THEY WON'T LET YOU ON THE PLANE WITHOUT A SHIRT.

NO MARTY. DON’T DO IT! THERE IS HOCKEY! YOU CAN GO BACK TO SHUTTING DOWN JOE THORNTON. MARTY FOR THE LOVE OF HOWE, PUT A FUCKING SHIRT ON AND GET ON A PLANE. SERIOUSLY, THEY WON’T LET YOU ON THE PLANE WITHOUT A SHIRT.

AND YOU, BLOG READER, HAVE SOME DECENCY AND ADVERT YOUR EYES.  HE WAS IN A VULNERABLE POSITION AND THERE YOU ARE, ALL LOOKING.  I SAY ADVERT YOUR EYES!

AND THOSE OF YOUR WHO ARE ALL

gif13

 

I WILL FIND YOU.

Ok, Back to the excite.

Guys, HOCKEY!

gif19 gif9 gif7 holy1 z1 fangurl1 fangurl fangurl2

So first things first:

1) I NEED THE NEW SCHEDULE.  LIKE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

2) I need to buy a new personal schedule because my calendar has all these fake games written in it.  Haha, remember when we got to see Eastern Conference Teams?  I HATE YOU NHL.  I see these Western Conference jackwagons all the time.  I WANT TO SEE GENO.  MAKE IT HAPPEN.

3) Guys, who the hell is even on our team?  WHO IS GONNA BE THE 7TH DMAN?  OMG I BET IT’S RUNDBLAD CUZ HE’S BEEN RIPPING IT UP IN PORTLAND (more about this in a post later this week)

4) We still have Raffi Torres.  :|

Yay Raffi.  :|

Yay Raffi. :|

5)  GUESS WHO IS ON A PLANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4qpgo

6) Replace “School” with “The Job” and “long holiday” with “lockout” and this is totally how I feel:

fangurl47)  GUYS, WE ARE BACK!  WE’RE BACK!  THERE’S GONNA BE A BANNER AT THE JOB!  WE’RE BACK!  IT EVEN MAKES SHANE DOAN SAY BAD WORDS!

POTTY MOUTH DOAN

8) Marty

5449530884_a93c9db454_b (1) 24d0uhd_94068089 gif3 gif gif16

 

SEE YOU SOON, THE BLOG IS BACK (AT LEAST FOR NOW!)  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY HOCKEY!

gif10 gif1 gif5

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I Say, Zip Up Your Pants, Sir!

z7

 

I AM BREAKING UP WITH THE NHL.  WE’RE DONE.  IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU.  WE NEED TO END THIS BEFORE IT BECOMES BLOODY.

JK.  But seriously, the lockout needs to end.  Not just for me.  For the boys.  Let’s check in and see what they are up to, shall we?

I FRICKIN' LOVE THE VRB.

I FRICKIN’ LOVE THE VRB.

I FRICKIN’ MISS THE VRB.  Vrb was over playing with the team he is a partial owners of and playing with his brother, but he’s back in town.

VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRB

VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRB

gif17

So what is Lauri up to?

Not much, playin’ some puck and being all famous n shit.

HE HAS HIS FACE ON A GIANT ..........OMG I NEED THAT

HE HAS HIS FACE ON A GIANT ……….OMG I NEED THAT

GUYS, FINLAND TREATS HIM SO MUCH BETTER THAN WE DO.  We need to work on getting his face on a giant banner.  COME BACK HOME LAURI, WE WILL DO BETTER!

Umm, he also stands by rivers and stuff in his spare times.  Cuz that’s what you do in Finland.  It’s a culture thing.

hanzo7

Boeds?  BOEDS!

hanzo11WHATCHA DOIN’ MIKKEL?!?!?!  Boeds is also still in Finland, but with no faces on banners, that I have found.  Pretty sure Denmark is working on getting his face on the national flag, so there’s that.

So, he also has been standing in a park.  I’m telling you, it’s Finland, it’s a culture thing!

Stand in front of the leaves....... yeah, that looks good

Stand in front of the leaves……. yeah, that looks good

 

Gratuitous Mads Boedker picture.

Gratuitous Mads Boedker picture.  <3

So far, everyone seems to be doing well and no one needs an adult.

And then, we have Marty.

Who clearly needs an adult.

HE DOESN'T LOOK HAPPY DOES HE?  TELL ME HE DOESN'T LOOK HAPPY

HE DOESN’T LOOK HAPPY DOES HE? TELL ME HE DOESN’T LOOK HAPPY

HE ISN’T HAPPY.  HAPPINESS = NOT HIM.  I fear his lack of happiness is driving him to do self-destructive things……… such as:

TAKE WAY TOO CLOSE UP OF PICTURES.  BACK UP CHILD

TAKE WAY TOO CLOSE UP OF PICTURES. BACK UP CHILD

AND THEN THERE IS THIS RIDICULOUSNESS:

DO UP YOUR PANTS SIR.  AND FIND A SHIRT.  I BET YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE SHOES ON.

DO UP YOUR PANTS SIR. AND FIND A SHIRT. I BET YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE SHOES ON.

MARTY.  WTF.  SERIOUSLY, WTF?  FIRST YOU GET THE TATTOO THAT DOESN’T HAVE PROPER ENGLISH ON IT AND NOW THIS?  I’M THIS CLOSE TO CALLING NANNY 911 ON YOU, OR WORSE…….. IM CALLING VRBY.

Now I know some of you are like

gif8

 

and some of you are like

O.M.G.  COULD IT BE TIME FOR THE RETURN?

but trust me, it’s like this:

zomg

 

See, we need hockey back, if for no other reason than I’m concerned that some slick Czech photog is gonna sweet talk ………. WE JUST NEED HOCKEY BACK OK?

THIS LOOKS WEIRD

THIS LOOKS WEIRD

BTW MARTY, WE DON’T SEE PICTURES OF OLIVER BEING RIDICULOUS.  TAKE NOTES.

gif18

 

 

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Wanted: Precious Foreigners For Temporary Position Of Adulation

Killing time during the lockout is hard.  What do you do with all your extra time when you’re used to going to hockey 2 to 3 times and watching hockey 2-3 other times per week?!?!

Western Conference Finals?  IT WAS GOING SO WELL.  IT WAS RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME.  ALAS:

Now it’s all about finding filler.

My first endeavor was going to up to see the Sundogs play in Prescott.  I got to see Chipchura and Schlemko play, which was alright.  They aren’t exactly my favorites, but hey, it was hockey.

Chuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup

It was a good time.  They have two Swedes.  There was entertainment.  It was hockey.  But…….. it was a bit of a trek.  Haha, look a me sounding like an east-side Yotes fan.  It’s a viable time killer.

Jack Black = NHL
Ron Burgandy = NHLPA
Baxter = Me
Thanks for standing by and doing nothing, NHLPA, while the NHL punts me.

My next experiment was going to the Suns.  Well, it was an event.  I’m not sure I really liked the event, but it was an event none-the-less.  I used to really like basketball……. you know……. before I liked hockey.  Hockey has ruined all other sports for me because it has completely enhanced my sports ADD.  I constantly need something going on!

The best part was probably the foreigner.  THEY HAVE A FOREIGNER!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, I got you guys this:  http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xi8ikkOUleE/T_YJ4g8-4UI/AAAAAAAAAlo/z6zYV8zzzNk/s1600/025.jpg

I kinda luffle him.  Not Marty/Oliver/Vrby/Z level of luffle, but hard times call for hard choices.

I MISS MAR

The Coyotes should be worried.  There are two options within a reasonable drive that can fulfill my foreign needs.  There is no hockey, yet life continues to move forward.  I guess I can technically live without it.  Plus, I have extra cash.

Yep, the Coyotes organization and the players should both be worried.

I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU. JK, LUFFLE YOU FOR ALL MY LIVES

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Kessy in a Messy

U Y MAKE ME DO DIS?!?!?!?!

I greatly enjoy Kale Kessy.  He has been on my list of prospects that I always look forward to seeing at camps because he fits my ideal qualifications of a gritty, tough, two-way forward and he’s a BB, so hey, I’m in.

Here’s the problem:  Kale was suspended 12 games for, in the opinion of the WHL, an obvious elbow to the head.  Oy.  And this isn’t the first time he’s had a multi-game suspension.  Last season, Kale received 5 games on 10/7 and 4 games on 11/28.  He also had a 1 game suspension in March for a game misconduct.

Oh, it goes back further.  The season before last?  3 total games suspended.

Unfortunately, this pattern of behavior smacks of poor judgement.  And we all know whose ass I constantly ride about poor judgment.

OH SHIT, SHE SHANKS PEOPLE.

And in case you’re new and don’t know how I feel about Raffi, it’s basically this:

This. All of this.

It’s not like roughness is Kale’s only skill.  I mean, he has scored a goal in each of the two games he has played this season.  Granted, that rate greatly exceeds his offensive prowess from the past two seasons (10g, 14a in 65games & 4g, 12a in 49games), but he doesn’t need to be quite this…………. Torres-esque.

KALE, PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME A HYPOCRITE.  I NO LIKE IT.

 

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DIAF NHL & NHLPA

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN………..

The first weekend or two in September are possibly literally my favorite weekends in the entire year.  There is nothing I love more than having rookie and main camp.  Nothing.  You miss hockey all summer, it’s unbearable!  Then, the kids come in and you get a chance to see what they’ve got on ice that isn’t utterly crappy, sorry Ice Den.  You get to see pro tryout guys try to land a contract. I get to take beautiful pictures of Brandon Gormley.  Then, the big guys come back.  OMG MARTY.  OMG OEL.  OMG RADIM.  OOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Z!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU GUYS, Z!  Z!  Z!

So this post should contain an OBNOXIOUS amount of pictures of baby rookies (BB Goalie, Brandon, Darian, Kale………) with lots of CAPS LOCK and lots of !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’s.  Instead, you are getting this:

HEY FUCKWADS (NHL/NHLPA),

GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR RESPECTIVE ASSES AND WORK SOMETHING OUT.  OWNERS, QUIT BEING SO FUCKING GREEDY.  PLAYERS, TAKE A LOOK AT THE UNEMPLOYMENT RATE AND THEN CRY ME YOUR RIVER.  I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT EITHER OF YOUR SIDES AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SWAY ME WITH YOUR TWITTER BULLSHIT.  PEOPLE WANT HOCKEY TO GET AWAY FROM THEIR PROBLEMS.  SOMETHING TO DISTRACT US FROM THE ACTUAL SHIT IN THE WORLD THAT IS WRONG.  INSTEAD, YOU GIVE US MORE SHIT TO BE PISSED ABOUT.  A LOCKOUT OVER MONEY?  PFFT.  I’D GET BEHIND AN ACTUAL WAR OVER PLAYER SAFETY.  MONEY?  SERIOUSLY?  I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE BURIED IN STUDENT LOANS…….. OH WAIT, NOT SO MUCH.  AND OWNERS?  JESUS H CHRIST, DON’T GET ME STARTED.  PLAY.  ENTERTAIN.  KEEP US FROM TOO CLOSELY EXAMINING HOW CRAPPY OUR LIVES ACTUALLY ARE.  DO IT SOON. DO IT NOW.

Unlovingly yours,

AJ

New Guy

Ok, so Lucas isn’t exactly new, but he’s newly signed as an entry level  contract.  Lessio represents the best scoring prospect we have.  We have other prospects that scored more goals (Shinnimin) and have nifty playmaking skills (Miele), but Lucas just puts the puck in the damn net.  He can do it on a box, he can do it with a fox.  He can do it on a breakaway, he can do it, yay, yay, yay.  He isn’t known as a two-way forward (like every freaking other one of our prospects are), but we could use a goal scorer not named Brett MacLean.  He’ll be in Portland this year.

Martinook

We also signed our second round pick, Jordan Martinook.  “They” compare his game to Milan Lucic.  Meh.  We will see.  He’s bound for Portland this year.

********** back to my rant now:

You know who this lockout dicks over the most?  The prospects who were trying to make the team …….BRANDON GORMLEY.  When action actually resumes, he will have little time to really make an impression (not that he hasn’t already built a reputation of being a fucking stud extraordinaire).  Do you think GMDM keeps Gorms with such a short look over known quantities like Schlem, Stone, or Summers?  Doubtful.

What about kids like Evan Bloodoff and Jordan Szwarz?  They could possibly wrestle the Non-BizNasty pressbox roster spot, but with such little time?  Screwed over.

FINE, NHL/NHLPA.  TAKE CAMP AWAY FROM ME.  TAKE THE POSSIBILITY OF BABY ROOKIES AWAY FROM ME.  FUCKING TAKE IT ALL, I DON’T WANT IT.  GO DIVE IN YOUR MONEY BINS WITH SCROOGE MCDUCK.  I’LL JUST SIT OVER HERE AND FIND OTHER THINGS THAT INTEREST ME.  KEEP THIS SHIT UP LONG ENOUGH, AND THEY MAY END UP INTERESTING MORE THAN YOU AND YOUR DRAMA.

Honestly, I’m not even that excited about the possibility of a season.  And that should have the NHL quaking in it’s boots.  You know me.  I’m freaking CRAZY about hockey.  I’m a season ticket holder.  I buy stupid amounts of hockey stuff.  I tweet hockey 24/7.  I have this friggen blog!  I WENT TO EUROPE TO SEE THE OPENER.

If I, crazy fan, am feeling blah about hockey, the casual fans must be totally over it.  Wanna fight over $$$$$$?  What $$$$?  There will be no $$$$.

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You May Want To Advert Your Eyes

Holy crap nothing is going on in Coyoteland.  Well, nothing good.

DoanWatch ’12 continues…… in Montreal now.  “Supposedly” there is a deadline of Friday for Jamison to get his ass in gear and make progress on the sale.

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH

Ok, I’m not THAT worried about it, as I always have a Plan B.

I may, or may not, be in possession of The Ark.  AND I WILL OPEN THAT BITCH UP, WHEREVER HE SIGNS…………TRY ME.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

I was saving it for a rainy day when I was going to take it to the Peg, but I have my priorities in order, ya know?

SHIT, IS SHE SERIOUS?

YES, SHANE, I FUCKING KID YOU NOT.  MASS FACE MELTING.  IT’S LIKE I AM THE WEAPON THE MAYANS PLANTED.  MELTINGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Speaking of the sale, let’s wrap this shit up people.  So help me God, if you wait around to see how the new CBA is gonna turn out, I’ll shank a fool up in here.  Or apparently melt their faces off.

In related news,  NEED MOAR HOCKEY NEWS.  SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BORED.

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This Isn’t How It Was Supposed To Go

When big tragic events happen, you watch them on TV and are horrified.  It’s tough stuff.  It is so difficult to fathom how such terrible things can happen.  But you never know the people in them, right?  That happens on CNN and MSBNC and the people that have their pictures put up on the screen are ones you don’t recognize.  It’s very sad, but the loss is always for someone else.  Until it isn’t.

She wasn’t my best friend.  We didn’t hang out.  We never even met in person.  But I know this girl.  We tweeted and DM’d quite a bit.  She started chasing her dream of working in the world of the NHL in San Antonio, working with the then-Coyotes AHL team, the San Antonio Rampage.  With my love of the prospects and the very small pool of people with keen interest in San Antonio hockey, we started following each other two years ago or so.

This is what I can tell you about this girl:  She loved life.  She was crazy, Texan, and feisty.  She fell down a lot.  At really embarrassing times.  It was part of her charm.  She was brave enough to chase her dream, no matter how hard of a road it would be.  Her heart was big.  She was working on setting up a nonprofit to provide hockey equipment for people in Colorado who lost everything in the fires.  Most of our interactions were tossing smartass tweets back and forth, and she had a great sense of humor.

A month ago, I tweeted to her that I was happy she was safe, after she was present for the Toronto mall shooting.  How could this happen?  She escaped there just to have this happen?  Life makes no sense sometimes.

We were just DMing on July 9th about the Coyotes situation and the last thing she ever typed to me was “I hope this goes Y’alls way”.  Always Texan.

Jessica, your light shone so brightly and you touched so many people.  God Bless your family.

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