Well That’s One Way To Start A Roadtrip

The Sens, home of American Treasure Bobby Ryan!  I may have pet his chest and told him he looked like a picnic table once.  Allegedly.  Also home of Chris Neil who I want to buy a drink, dump it on him, and light a match.  Soooooo it’s a mixed bag I guess.  Also this vid reminds me that Ryan Getzlaff can take a flying leap.

 

The first period:  Man, it’s a blur, I don’t even remember.  Mainly because I forgot the game was on and tuned in with like 20 seconds left in the period.  That’s a bad sign for the Yotes, right?  Like I’m actively trying to pay attention to them and blog and I still forgot.

Apparently the first period shook out like this:  Tobias Reider scored with assists from The Murph and Strome.  OMG HOLD ON, I HAVE A PICTURE OF THE ROOKIE.

dvorak

I’m told it’s a breathtaking likeness.  The rest of the period was all Sens with American Treasure Bobby Ryan scoring a power play goal and Tom The Not Hot Pyatt scoring.  Awww remember when Taylor Pyatt was a thing?  A tall thing that couldn’t play in front of the net to save his life?  MEMORIES YO.

2nd period:  Nothing good.  Smith scored.  Their Smith.  SMITH ON SMITH CRIME. And it was shorthanded.  FML.  Sens up 3-1.  Chris Neil ran over Vrbata when he didn’t have the puck and now he’ll find his tires slashed at random intervals for the remainder of his life.  VRBY?  REALLY?  YOU HIT VRBY?  Gurl, hold my purse.

TAKE U DOWN

3rd Period:  ALL THE SHIT IS HAPPENING.  The Coyotes started the period with a 5-3 power play and Olli scored.  Dude.  That freakin’ kid.  (Yes, he’s still a kid even though the team is now populated by fetuses).  I’m calling it now.  Oliver leads the team in goals this year, even as a Dman.

Mike Smith down.  No, I’m not freaking out.  I would be more concerned when Mike Smith lays on the ice if he wasn’t so fucking dramatic all the time.  He’s the boy who cried injury and then gets up the VAST majority of the time.  But he’s actually hurt this time and gets help skating off the ice.  You know what that means?

bb

Well that went freaking terribly.  Two quick goals on the BB.  Grrrrrrrrrreat.  Chris Kelly and Mark Stone scored for the Sens.

GREAT GUYS, NOW MICHAEL STONE IS GOING TO HAVE TO LISTEN TO MARK TALKING SHIT FOREVS.  At least you have your hair, Michael.

Martinook sent in a bullet and scored to make it 5-3.  Which would have been a tie game without the BB Goalie snafu.  GAH!  In non-scoring news, Phaneuf was being old and crotchety and shoved Doan.  GUESS WHO CAME SLIDING IN TO DEFEND DOAN????

luke-schenn1

O HAI LUKE.  The Good Schenn.  Now, he is no Yandle, but him stepping in for Doan was endearing.  And with how pissed off with this defensive roster I am, I NEED LITTLE THINGS OK?

Then Kyle Turris scored.  You’re hockey dead to me kid.

Then Martinook redirected a shot.  6-4.

Karlsson scores an empyt net goal.  7-4.  That’s right, Erik.  Pad those stats.  OEL is coming for the Norris and you’ll need all the bogus empty net goals you can get, son.

Ok, stop reading here unless you want to read a petty, bitchy rant.

…………..

…………….

……………….

You’ve been warned.

Coyotes loss?  GOOD.  GOOD.  THAT’S WHAT YOU GET.  42 shots on goal allowed?  SPECTACULAR.  Yotes had 9 blocked shots vs 23 blocked shots for the Sens.  YOU KNOW WHO BLOCKS SHOTS?  FUCKING Z.  Z.  REMEMBER Z?  THE GUY THAT KEEPS COMING BACK TO THE VALLEY BECAUSE IT’S HIS HOME?  THE MAN THAT THREW HIMSELF DOWN AND BLED FOR SEASON WHERE THE TEAM WAS LITERAL CRAP?  You cannot tell me that Z can’t crack the D roster with the people that are currently on there.

Good.  The bitchy part of me hopes the new D fails epically until they call Z back up.

shooty

Ok.  Whew. YG out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Teen Wolf?

Who the hell is this team?  There are only 14 people back from last year and that’s counting Mike Smith, who I try my very best to forget.  And they are yooooooung.  Shane Doan is basically running a daycare, but hey, at least we know those kids will be raised right.

panda

But AJ, you love young players.  You hate Tippett because he hates young players.  Yes, yes, that is true, but I don’t know anything about these whippersnappers.  Let’s take a brief look:

Jakob Chychrun:  I’m torn.  Seriously torn.  When watching the draft this summer, I WAS SO ANXIOUS FOR HIM.  He was previously the second ranked prospect, but his ranking went down his last year and he fell through the early first round like a rock.  And, of course, the camera kept cutting to him until I starting BEGGING teams to pick him.  I was glad we took on fictional debt of a Russian to trade up and get him, but I am a little concerned that we’re connected to Putin now.  But here’s the thing.  He’s a Dman.  He’s supposed to take a longer time to fully develop, so we’ll see him in a couple years, yes?  No.  We see him now and because of that, we waived Z.  Now that is a direct attack on CzechFinnistan.  Do I like Chychrun?  YES, but taking Z’s spot is the worst fucking way to introduce yourself EVER.  So he’s Baby Not Z.

notz

Lawson Crouse:  This is the kid we got from Florida (OMG YANDLE COME HOME) with Broken Bolly for a 2nd and 3rd round pick.  He’s a big dude.  Not Marty-big, but 6’4, 220 is not someone who I would call a pansy in a dark alley.  I really don’t know a lot about him other than he did have 23 goals and 29 assists in 49 games in the OHL last year.  Oh, and his nickname is The Sheriff.  Well kiddo, you’re with the big boys now so until you prove yourself, you’re The Deputy.  Also, please people, don’t let me become a professional drawer of sheriff badges.

lawson.png

Christian Dvorak:  121 points in 59 games in London last season and 35 points in 18 playoff games……this kid knows how to do things with the biscuit.  I have zero nicknames because other than SCORES LIKE A MOFO, I have nada to go on.  I guess he’s a work in progress.  Dvořák is a Czech name so, even tho this kid is American, it’s as close as I’m going to get to European with this new crop of babies.  ALSO, CAN WE ADDRESS OUT SERIOUS LACK OF EUROPEAN PROSPECTS?

dvorak.jpg

Laurent Dauphin:  HE COMES WITH A BUILT IN NICKNAME.  I love it when they make it easy.  This dude?  I also do not know THAT much about him.  He does the hockeys and played major junior in the Q for Chicoutimi.  Any Coyotes fan worth their salt knows that is the home of Pierre the Fanatic Hockey Snowman.  Is he good? We shall see, Prince.

dauphin

Dylan Strome:  I swear to Christ, if they end up scratching this kid on and off through the year….. we should just send him back.  Thus is my frustration at the age restrictions.  Erie isn’t going to make him better.  The AHL would help.  GAH.  Stupid Canada and their insistence on Major Junior talent.  Dylan looks more grown up this year, physically.  He must have been eating Wheaties in the off-season.  I want to see what he can do, but this might be a case of me hating Tippett again all year.  Also, he didn’t play last night so I had to improvise the picture.

dvorak

 

In conclusion, I don’t freaking know.  I’m most partial to Chychrun, which is super fucking frustration because OMG Z.  We shall see what they have in store for us.  Maybe they’ll show some personality.  Probably not.  OMG WE NEED MORE PLAYERS THAT AREN’T ROBOTS, GET ME MORE EUROPEANS, STAT!

gtfo

I will close with some old timey Pierre videos for your enjoyment.

 

Baby Baby Dane.  That hair and lack of English.  THE GOOD OL’ DAYS.

 

CHICOUTIMI REFERENCE!

OMG I MISS YOU SO MUCH MUELLS.

When Z didn’t have so much English.  JUST LAUGH OK Z?

And Baby Teek for last.

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Vrby’s Back, Tell A Friend

Holy Shit, the education system is in bad ass shape because the Flyers CANNOT count to five.  They keep thinking 6 is the new 5.  The referees don’t understand new math so: LOTS OF PENALTIES.

counting.gif

Doaner.  If you add Chychrun and Crouse together, it still doesn’t equal your age, but like canned food during the zombie apocalypse, you get more appreciated and valued as time goes on.  Please don’t retire.  We’ll let you score all the goals this year!  In fact, why don’t you go ahead and score the first goal of the season?  WE WILL EVEN LET YOU DO IT ON THE POWER PLAY!!!  And you can have Dvorak get an assist, his first NHL point of his career.  SEE, DON’T YOU FEEL AMAZING AND LIKE YOU CAN PLAY FOREVER EVEN IF WE HAVE TO WEEKEND AT BERNIES YOU?  #WeekendAtDoaners  Boom.  Doaner goal, we’re up 1-0.

BUT GUYS, MIKE SMITH IS GOALIE, SO SOON IT’S 1-0.  There was traffic in front and the puck seemed to curve in a way that physics doesn’t quite explain to me and Raffl tied it for the Flyers.  It wasn’t all Mike Smith.  OMG that hurt to say.

Chychrun was hauling ass up the ice (18 year old legs can skate skate fast) and tried this wrap-around move to which Steve Mason basically was like BITCH PLEASE.  But the rebound was poked home by Marty!!!!!!  WOOOOOOOO MAR MAR!  Chychrun whom shall now be referred to as Baby Not Z, was so freaking excited to get his first point.  That joyful face.  Short lived….but we’ll get back to that.  Good guys up 2-1 at the end of the 1st.  YOU KNOW, A REAL DEFENSIVE BATTLE

popcorn

So let’s chat about Brad Richardson.  He’s a likable dude.  Serviceable center.  All-around gem.  Last year, L dubbed him SFC (second favorite center) because, obviously, Boyd Gordon has permanent hold on FFC (first favorite center) positioning.  But since pain in the ass Millennial Velociraptor refused to sign Boyd this summer, figuring out what Brad’s new spot is difficult.  I say we go with RFC (replacement favorite center), because Boyd might come back.  COYOTES ALWAYS COME HOME.  Anyways, RFC scored a shorthanded goal right at the start of the second period.  WOOOOOOOO we’re up 3-1!

brad.jpg

3-1?  GUYS, THIS MIGHT BE A BLOWOUT.  WE MIGHT WIN!  THINGS ARE GOING SO GRE…… Wayne Simmonds scores.  UGH.  More on this motherf later.  At least we are still up 3-2.  Nope.  Matt Read scores towards the start of the third period.  Tie game.

Wayne Simmonds.  I have hated him for so long.  SO LONG.  He went at Oliver.  Yes, THAT Oliver.  Of the Ekman-Larsson clan.  Of Sweden.  HE HAD THE FREAKING NERVE TO GO AT OLIVER.  OLIVER DOWN.

burn-in-hell

 

OH!  I almost forgot.  Dale Weise needs to join him because HE ALMOST KILLED BABY NOT Z.  When Baby Not Z went into the end boards, it was at the far end of the arena from where I was sitting so I didn’t clearly see what he hit.  I was suuuuuuuuper worried it was his head, because he was laying there like a sack of potatoes, not moving.  But apparently he went in legs first and jacked something up.  He just stayed on the ice for so long….. and it was his first NHL game so you legit know his parents were in the building.  UGH.  But he was hockey alive and was back on the bench later.

We need to talk about OT.  Hold on.  To go back to that freaking drama, I need to prep myself.

 

Ok.  OH MY FREAKING GOD.  IT WAS LIKE WATCHING THREE PEOPLE SLOWLY BE SLAUGHTERED AND YOU COULD DO NOTHING.  Domi, Dvorak, and Golly were slowly being drained of life force.  It was like they were mice in a harem of starved cats, attacked, and toyed with before the end.  THEY COULD NOT GET OFF THE ICE.  They were, legit, on the ice for 2 minutes, in a 3v3 situation with tons of open ice they had to cover.  PAIN.  THE PAIN.  Finally they changed out for Hanzal, Vrbata, and OEL, aka OMG MY SQUAD. They finally got offensive control and Olly got a pass from Vrbs and took a shot.  The Flyers D was like

ENTERING ZONE 1

IT’S IN!  THAT’S GAME BITCHES!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  1-0.  UNDEFEATED SEASON INCOMING!  Bahahahahahaha. Ok. I’m lucid again.  But guys!  VRBY!

Vrby’s back.  And he’s still the greatest thing since sliced bread.  F all the haters that didn’t want him back and called him washed up.

Marty and Vrbs are together.  Doaner is scoring goals.  Olly is scoring game winning goals.  I want to stab people that hurt the baby rookies.  And they healthy scratched Z.  ALL THE CONFLICTED FEELINGS.  What a start to the year.

LIST OF FEELS.gif

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Boyd Down

The Kings.  I freaking loathe the Kings.  I look at the entire roster and I’m like

double hate

The Kings are like the Raiders of the NHL.  Kopitar is a quality dude, but GUILT BY ASSOCIATION.

First Period:

Rust?  Food hangover?  Focused on Xmas present they received?  I DON’T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON, BUT IT WAS NOT GOOD HOCKEY.  Bad passing.  No prolonged pressure.  And zone entries.  OH MY GOD THE ZONE ENTRIES.

ENTERING THE ZONE

THIS DOG IS 100% BETTER THAN US

Luckily, the Kings took four penalties in the first and on the Power Play, Olli was able to get one in the net.

OMG GOAL

Yotes went into the locker room up 1-o after some good work by BB Goalie and Ollibear.

Second Period:

Sweet Baby Jesus, the discipline.  Chipchura and Forbert had fighting majors that offset, but then the Yotes took THREE PENALTIES.  Antoine, Brad, and………VICTOR VASILIEVICH TIKHONOV, YOU KNOW BETTER!  By the grace of Boyd Gordon, the PK did not allow any goals, but they had to work their asses off that period.

gotta-drink

Third Period:

THE GODDAMN WHEELS FELL OFF.  Did Tipp not yell at them about penalties during the second intermission!?!?!?!?!?!?  Doughty power play goal.  Tanner Pearson even strength goal.  OMG EVERYONE SLOW DOWN AND BREATHE AND CALM THE F DOWN…………just kidding, go ahead and take another penalty and a power play goal will be scored by…..

DUSTIN BROWN

Darth Brown

3-1.  THREE TO ONE.  FREAKING THREE GOALS IN THE THIRD PERIOD.  CAN WE GET OUR AS…………….omg boyd down.  boyd down.  not a drill.

Match penalty to Muzzin.  Boyd down.  Boyd down.  Boyd down.  BOYD DOWN.  BOYD DOWN AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

buffy

I WILL GO FULL BUFFY ON YOUR ASS

Boyd had to be helped off the ice.  UUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH.  So we had a man advantage for five minutes.  Alec Martinez got pressured and tossed the puck over the glass for an additional penalty.  5 on 3.

Antoine goal from Stone & Boeds!

HAND OUT OF GRAVE

RUMORS OF OUR DEMISE ARE GREATLY EXAGGERATED

30 seconds later?  Olli from Domi & Boedker

oh yeah

TIE GAME BITCHES

Overtime.

I don’t want to talk about it.  My very best hockey dude hung my other very best hockey dude out to dry.  IS THERE A HALLMARK CARD FOR THIS SITUATION!?!?!?!??  Oh Teek.  Oh BB Goalie.

tearbending

Teek played hard against Kopitar all night.  Going from being waived to centering the second line and going up against one of the best centers in the game?  Takes time to adjust.

Murphy (The Last American) has been noticeably good lately.  Rieder was noticeably good tonight and on PK had a couple steals and quasi-breakaways.  Boyd (OMG THE PAIN) was good on PK, as always.  He won 80% of his faceoffs and had over 7 minutes of TOI shorthanded.  Those are hard minutes.

We got a point when we didn’t deserve one.  You cannot take 8 penalties in a game and expect to get any points.  8 PENALTIES.  EIGHT.  You can’t blame the refs. Reffing is what it is and you have to roll with it.  8 PENALTIES.

Although we did get three power play goals, it was rough looking all night.  The passing was off.  I love Boedker, but I do not like him on the point.  He seems so scared and overly cautious and struggles to keep it in.  And OMG the zone entries on PP.

But seriously.

Also, Jordan Nolan was running around with his elbows up.  THIS FUCKING TEAM.  UUUUUGH.  Nolan, who freaking concussed Klesla and ended his career.  MY MEMORY IS LONG

RUN OVER

I WILL DEAL WITH THIS MYSELF

Lindback gets the start tomorrow night in Denver in this second part of this back-to-back.  I hope that after that, the net goes back to BB Goalie.  The snafu tonight wasn’t his fault, and while you want  your goalie to make timely saves, 8 FUCKING PENALTIES PEOPLE.

The next time we play LA is January 23rd.  I’ll be ready.

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100% Feelz

Nowadays I’m always freaking stoked about hockey because ZOMG TEEK IS BACK AND EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL AND RAINBOWS.

While I’m over here being totes stoked:

boxers dance

Teek is back dance

Then @azherdattacks tells me BB Goalie is starting….

what the fuck did you say

……………………/not breathing

…………….pterodactyl noises……..

102441518_slide

MIKE SMITH WHO

Yes you are tired of hearing about BB Goalie and the meltdowns…… STFU, IT’S HAPPENING.

Marty’s back!  Teek is playing!  BB Goalie is starting!  AAAHHHHHHHH

Here’s the thing.  Marty comes back and the Domi/Teek/Duclair line gets broken up?  WHAT THE FRIG?  Teek went back to the wing.  Now, he can play anywhere, but with how great that line was doing and the consistent pressure they had, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

ugh

DAMN YOU TIPPETT

He went from 17 &18 minutes in the previous two games to 13 minutes, 20 & 22 shifts to 16.  NOT FUCKING COOL TIPPETT.  When the game was on the line, Teek was out on the ice, but what a fucking downgrade from the previous situation.  His backcheck and forecheck was on point tonight so I hope that the ice time starts to go back up.  Calm down, I’m not going to Tonya Harding Marty.

First period:

OLLI BEAR SCORES!!!!!

fassender

The Isles left him alone in the middle of the ice.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU MUST BE NEW HERE.  He isn’t just a Dman.  He does the scoring.

The first penalty of the game was Frans Nielson.  The next penalty was Mikkel Boedker.  WHY ARE THE DANISH PEOPLE SO UNLAWFUL!?!?!?!  CHEATERS!!!!!

panda smash

CALM DOWN DENMARK

End of the first period:  Yotes 1, ASSHOLES SHOOTING THE PUCK AT BB GOALIE 0.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  The D was so much better, I wonder what motivated them?

Oh.  I see.  WHATEVER WORKS.  One period of shutout hockey down, two to go.

Screen Shot 2015-01-31 at 4.55.34 PM

ME TOO, LOUIS, ME TOO 

SECOND PERIOD:  I DON’T EVEN KNOW, I THINK I PASSED OUT BECAUSE CLUTTERBUCK HIT OEL AND I WOKE UP HOLDING A BASEBALL BAT……

Then Matt Martin tried to nail OEL and Olli breaks out his ballet and pirouettes away.  CROSSTRAINING FOR THE WIN!

omg cat

O NO HE DINT

End of the second period:  Yotes 1, ANTI-OEL roller derby-ers 0.  Two periods of shutout hockey down, one to go.

DSC_0060

Subtle, I know. 

Third period:  I’M NOT EVEN REALLY SURE, THERE WAS A LOT OF CRYING AND CARRYING ON AND SUCH.  There was a lot of chanting PLEASE DON’T FUCK THIS UP FOR HIM PLEASE DON’T FUCK THIS UP FOR HIM PLEASE DON’T FUCK THIS UP FOR HIM.

Clutterbuck took a penalty on Mikkel and can we just talk about what a complete freaking douchecanoe Cal is?!?!?!?!  We started a movement.

That poor, poor garbage truck.

ANYWAYS,  OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG SHUTOUT FOR BB GOALIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

tearbending

list my feels

First star of the game was BB Goalie.  DUH.  MORE LIKE FIRST STAR OF MY LIFE.

Second star was Olli Bear the goal scorer.  BUT he also had two penalties that forced penalty kills that took like a good 7 years off my life.  THE PAIN.

Third Star was Tobi.  I may have found some protections that we can enact:

So basically everything is wonderful and nothing hurts.  Except Mike Smith, but let’s hope he keeps hanging out on the DL for quite a while so BB Goalie can get his shot.  I’ve been driving this bandwagon since 2010 and sometimes I just think: Visentin, hahahahahaha.  #BBGoalie4Life

fangirl meter

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I Have No Funny Title, I’m Ded.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

When the Hawks waived Teek, I hoped against hope.

Then:

soc

CAREFULLY GRASP AS NOT TO SCARE

And:

So, I was excited. I attained a ticket to the Wild game, as it would the be first game back.  I didn’t even have freaking posterboard to make a sign so I had to ‘borrow’ some butcher paper from work.  I broke out my old sign markers that haven’t been used in like four years and OMG they were dried out and barely got the job done.

I was so ungodly excited as I was waiting for them to come out for warmups.  Teek skated out and I unrolled his welcome back sign.  When he skated by and hit the glass in front of me with his glove, I was stoked.

Screen Shot 2015-12-11 at 11.08.21 PM

YES YES YES

YAAAAAAAAAAAAS

So Teek goes across to the other side of the ice to stretch and he looks over and I show him that I’m wearing my Tikhonov #41 jersey and he’s like

807148

D’AWWWWWWW

TEEK

Thanks to @KHCoyoteFan for this lovely timed pic!

So I’m like INSANELY HAPPY all throughout warmups and then Teek skates over and gives me this:

IMG_20151211_222129315

And then I was ded

Lesley can attest to the fact that I was freaking mental during the game.  I just so desperately want him to do well so we don’t freaking waive him again.

So I get home and hop on the twitters and then:

Guys.  I can’t.  It’s too much.  I was literally like

 

So basically, epic fucking hockey night.  I’m so happy Teek is back, it’s been a long six years.  KEEP THE FAITH AND MAYBE IT WILL HAPPEN.

Next up:  PRUCHA.

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Tank Fail

THE COYOTES WERE SO FUCKING BAD.  But it was being horrible for a cause.  A chosen son, much like Crosby.  McDavid.  Dishonor for Connor.  YOU SUFFER AND THEN YOU GET THE PRIZE.  Here comes the lottery and the epic rejoic……

MOTHERFUCKER.

NO MCDAVID FOR YOU. EICHEL EITHER. BAHAHAHAHAHA.

NO MCDAVID FOR YOU. EICHEL EITHER. BAHAHAHAHAHA.

But….. but…. but……. DIAF EDMONTON, DIAF.  We draft Strome.  I want to quit life.  I climb up on a bridge to jump off…..so the Coyotes bring back Boyd Gordon.  I climb back down.

BOYD

BOYD

The Coyotes sign John Scott, I climb up on the bridge to jump off…… Vermette signs so I climb back down.

VERMETTE

VERMETTE

The Coyotes sign Steve Downie, I climb up on the bridge to jump off.  They re-sign BB Goalie so I climb back down.

O. M. F. G

O. M. F. G

Steve Downie takes Vrbata’s #17 and I climb up on the bridge to jump off.  They sign Z so I climb back down.

FLYING Z HUG

FLYING Z HUG

WE HAVE A VERY COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP, THE COYOTES AND I.  And now I am super good at climbing up on bridges.

Fast forward to opening night vs the Kings.  *looks at the roster*  WHO THE F ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE!?!?!??  Oh well, TANK FOR MATTHEWS IS A GO PEOPLE!

But then, a Z goal in the first?  Prolonged pressure in the King’s zone?  A OEL goal?!?!?!  A RIEDER GOAL?  EUROPE!  EUROPE!  EUROPE!!!!!   Plus Max Domi appearing to be the real deal with a goal and an assist?  FUCK YES.  I AM IN.  *buys ticket to the home opener vs the Pens*  The Pens lost their game and the Coyotes dominated so karma will likely have the Yotes lose like 7-1.

TONIGHT!

Player introductions:

O HEY

SHANE DOAN’S ENTRANCE

The Pens are a veritable who’s who of OH MY GOD I FORGOT THAT GUY WENT THERE.  Nick Bonino, Eric Fehr, Patrik Hornqvist, David Perron…. and Phil Kessel, the ONE player I remember going to the Pens.  HOLY CRAP.  ADD IN SID THE KID, GENO, TANGER, PASCAL……. WE ARE F’D.

Their roster kicks our roster's ass. Luckily, we still play the game.

Their roster kicks our roster’s ass.  Luckily, we still play the game.

The first period:  WE AREN’T LOSING BY LIKE 9 GOALS!!!!!!!  While there weren’t any goals, HOLY GOD, WE ARE ACTUALLY PLAYING OK AND KEEPING THE PRESSURE IN THE PEN’S ZONE.  WHO CAME UP WITH THIS NEW STRATEGY, IT IS AMAZEBALLS!!!!!

The second period:  JORDAN MARTINOOK!!!!!!!!!  I always love the unloved players.  Everyone is so damn enthralled with Domi and Duclair that I have an automatic soft spot for Martinook.  AND HE FREAKING SCORED A GOAL!!!!!❤

D'AWWWWWWW

D’AWWWWWWW

And like five seconds later, Phil Kessel scores and steals the thunder.  That’s ok, after all the BS that he dealt with in Toronto, I’m hoping that Phil has an A+ year.  You can eat hotdogs if you wanna, THIS IS AMERICA.

Crap, Tobias Rieder scored BEFORE Martinook, but I was so excited for Jordan that I apparently blocked this out.  EUROPE! EUROPE!  EUROPE!

SMUG POPCORN EATING

SMUG POPCORN EATING

Third period:  SHIT GOT INTENSE.  ALL THE SCORING OPPORTUNITIES.  OMG OMG OMG PLEASE DON’T TIE IT, YOU’LL MURDER US IN 3 ON 3 OT. PLEEEEEEASE

UH OH

SCARED POPCORN EATING

But, alas, COYOTES WIN!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAS

YAAAAAAAAAAAAS

So, we start our campaign to win local hockey hero, Auston Matthews by going 2-0.  Wait.  Aren’t we supposed to epically suck?  WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE TERRIBLE THIS YEAR.

WHAAAAAT IS HAPPENING

WHAAAAAT IS HAPPENING

Our defense is not horrible.  It is currently comprised of 50% Swedes and it is a well-known fact that Swedes descended from crazy ass Viking warriors, so maybe we’ll be ok on D?  Grossman is kind of growing on me.  Plus, Z was out tonight, so he can take Elliot’s place (and we can have less penalties because Jesus H Christ Elliot, you are a penalty magnet).  I can’t believe we gave up Gormley for this guy.

BRANDON

BRANDON

Offense:  After two games, your point leader is:  MARTIN HANZAL! (and Tobias Rieder).

OFFENSIVE JUGGERNAUT

OFFENSIVE JUGGERNAUT

So yeah, offense is still a bit worrisome. But the rookies seem to like to shoot.  We got Vermette back.  And….. yeah that’s it.  Oof.  OH MY GOD THIS IS THE LAST YEAR OF VRBATA’S DEAL CAN WE PLEASE TRADE FOR HIM, GIVE ME BACK MY VRBY!  In related news:  Downie took two penalties tonight and is a known douchecanoe.  HOW DARE HE TAINT THE PURENESS OF #17.  GIVE HIM BIZ’S NUMBER OR SOMETHING.  HAVE WE REALLY DESCENDED INTO SUCH MADNESS?!!?!

RADÍM

RADÍM

Overall:  Oliver has looked good.  The rookies have looked good.  Rieder has looked good.  I haven’t really noticed Doan?  I like Boedker on the point on the PP.  ALSO, RESIDENT STUD, OEL, IS DOUBLE SHIFTING ON POWER PLAY, WOOOOOOOO!  Boyd only played 8 minutes, THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.  And I begrudgingly admit that Mike Smith has been good in the first two games.  THAT WAS PAINFUL.

So far, so good.

So far, so good.

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DIAF Hockey Gods

My BB Goalie sense was tingling this morning.  I check the twitters and BAM!  POW!  KERPLUNK!  STARTER BABY!!!!!!!!  I had to quick buy a ticket because while I am practically the fucking mayor of #TankTown, I don’t want to pay money to witness the carnage.  BUT BB GOALIE FIRST HOME START!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Pretty much this.

Pretty much this.

OMG OK OK IM BREATHING

OMG OK OK IM BREATHING

:D :D :D :D ;) :)

😀😀😀😀😉🙂

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF #TANKTOWN, THE REGULARLY SCHEDULE LOSS OF EPIC PROPORTIONS WILL BE PUT ON HOLD.  WE MUST WIN THE GAME FOR THE TINY BB GOALIE AND ONCE MIKE SMITH IS IN NET, THE TANKING SHALL COMMENCE.  THIS IS NOT A DRILL, CANCEL THE TANK.

I’ve never personally seen a game where I was invested in the goalie.  And by invested I mean……

FO' REAL

FO’ REAL

IT IS NOT SUPER FUN BEING A GOALIE FAN.  THE FIRST SHOT HIT HIM IN THE FACE AND I WAS LIKE

He stopped it with his MIND

He stopped it with his MIND

And then BB Goalie made his first save and I was all

D'AWWWWWWW

D’AWWWWWWW

BUT THEN HE DROPPED HIS STICK…….. A LOT.  AND LIKE A FREAK I THREW MY ARMS OUT LIKE I COULD:

A) CATCH IT

B) RETURN IT TO HIM

C) USE THE FORCE TO CRUSH THE WINDPIPES OF ALL THE PREDS WHILE HE RETRIEVED THE STICK HIMSELF (omg I’m totes Darth)

Pretty soon THEY KEPT SHOOTING AT HIM.  What the fuck.  I mean, yes, he is the goalie, but ……. DO THEY NOT FEAR FOR THEIR OWN SAFETY?!!?!?!?  Shots and saves.  Shots and saves.  Shots and saves.  LOST STICK.  Shots and saves.  Shots and saves.  Shots and saves…..

ALL THE TIME AJ FACE

ALL THE TIME AJ FACE

I couldn’t even evaluate the quality of the goaltending because most of the time was spent flinching and throwing my arms out like I had epilepsy.  But yeah, first period?  NO GOALS FOR YOU BITCHES!!!!!!

CAN'T. STOP. THE. GOALIE

CAN’T. STOP. THE. GOALIE

Second period:  I feel like the Preds scored because Louis was at the other end of the arena and my mojo could not reach him.  Chipchurra got his ASS BEAT.  Crombeen got in a fight with Mike Fisher.  I’m not a big Crombeen fan at all.  It worked out ok for us to have Fisher gone for five minutes, but Fisher isn’t really a Mike Tyson’s Punchout guy.  Not a huge fan of the second period.

I'm with you Draco.

I’m with you Draco.

Third period:  BB GOALIE RETURNS TO MY SIDE, LAND OF RAINBOWS, KITTENS, AND NO GOALS.  The game definitely got more chippy as it went.  Suddenly Wilson did something to Oliver because OLIVER WAS SAYING BAD WORDS and holding his wrist.

DSC_0227

ALSO, JAMES NEAL HIGH STICKED SHANE DOAN IN THE FACE.  IN HIS FACE.  NO ONE MAKES SHANE DOAN BLEED HIS OWN BLOOD.  And no one really did anything.

Insert:  Yandle rant

Here’s the fucking thing.  When people did stuff to Doan, Yandle was there.  Wizdouchski?  Yandle fought him.  Our AHL team just kinda skated around like DERP DERP.  I shake my head and hope that we love Doan enough to set him free this Summer.  He deserves better.  HE DESERVES YANDLE.  Also, when Yandle would screw up, he would haul ass back.  John Moore, you have been judged and found wanting.  #Can’tHandleNoYandle2015 /end rant

Also, fuck James Neal.  The James Neal hat trick is a goal, injuring a player, and then kicking a puppy.

UNLEASH THE SHANK

UNLEASH THE SHANK

9439214

He is your alternate captain?  Really Nashville?  REALLY?  Wow.

So during the power play for James Neal being a douchecanoe, Chipchura scores to tie the game.  Woot!  Way to dig Chipchura and recover from your beat down.

Game ends in a tie.  We get a point, making BB Goalie still undefeated in regulation, which for this team is ULTRA IMPRESSIVE.

I don’t want to speak of what happened in OT because James Neal scoring the winning goal in BB Goalie’s first home game after he high sticked Shane Doan and I was wearing my Prucha jersey…….. it’s just too much.  DIAF HOCKEY GODS, DIAF.  Y U DO DIS?!?!!?

316136 713325 758309 556299 738075

Good points:

BB GOALIE IS TOTALLY NOT BEING TERRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I greatly enjoy crazy people tweeting about him like

MY HEART, MY HEART, MY HEART.  WELCOME TO THE BB GOALIE BANDWAGON.  PLEASE PUT ON YOUR SEATBELTS, PROLLY GONNA BE BUMPY.

zomg1 gif17

DSC_0177 DSC_0282 DSC_0270

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The Keysmashiest Keysmash That Ever Keysmashed…. aka BB Goalie NHL Debut

BEHOLD!  THE CHILD GUARDIAN HAS COME FORTH TO STOPETH THY RUBBER.

BB GOALIE.

RAINBOW COLORED TEARSSSSSSSSSS

RAINBOW COLORED TEARSSSSSSSSSS

ACTUAL RUN AROUND HOUSE

ACTUAL RUN AROUND HOUSE

ZOMG! ZOMG! ZOMG!!!!!!!!

ZOMG! ZOMG! ZOMG!!!!!!!!

THE FLAILIEST FLAIL OF ALL THE FLAILS

THE FLAILIEST FLAIL OF ALL THE FLAILS

O. M. F. G

O. M. F. G

WAS IT GOOD?  No.  BUT!  Let’s cut the kid some slack.  He joined the club today.  Like game day…… on a matinee game day and was thrown into the game when Mike Smith finally jumped the shark.  Not necessarily the best preparation for your first game in the NHL.

ME TOO, LOUIE, ME TOO

ME TOO, LOUIE, ME TOO

However, BB Goalie lets in 2 goals on 11 shots.  STILL A FUCKING HIGHER SAVE PERCENTAGE THAT MIKE SMITH!!!!!!  Yes, it was a shorter time in net, but for his first game and being thrown in there?  I’ll take it.  He should have had the Karlsson shot.  But the second goal?  The artists formally known as defense did not perform.

UHHHHH

UHHHHH

I can’t remember much about the game before BB Goalie was put in due to my seizure/heartattack/blackout.  Thanks twitter for calling 911.

Anyways, how was the game going?  Well the highest paid player on the team let in like 5 goals on 20 shots.  So, there is that.  But hey, Z scored!!!  And tried to boss Mimi around, so that was fun!

Z skated Mimi away from a confrontation (with Shinniman bahahahah, but still)

Z skated Mimi away from a confrontation (with Shinniman bahahahah, but still)

Son of a bitch, I love Z and if they trade him……. it’ll be the 45 minute, laying on the floor bawling fit of Summer of ‘0whenthefuckeverthePenssignedhim.  He will re-sign with a hometown discount!  JUST GIVE HIM A FUCKING CHANCE!  We can’t ditch ALL of our experienced D.  WHO WILL TELL THE KIDS THAT THEY ARE DOING SHIT WRONG!?!?!?  Seriously though, they need an experienced Dman, and Z is the most bestest qualified.

Whew, back to the game.  So yeah, GoalFest 2015.  At least GMDM took it well?

Ok, so basically BYE EVERYONE.  BYYYYYYYYE.  I was talking to Jon last night about my “untouchable” list for trades.  He made me make a rational one and a AJ FEELZ LUV list.

Rational:  OEL, Yandle, Z, Doan, Marty, maybe Boeds.

AJ FEELZ LUV:  OEL, BB GOALIE, MARTY, Z, LAURI, BOEDS, PART-TIME HUSBAND JOE VITALE, AND DOAN.  And maybe Rieder, BECAUSE EUROPE.

If any of the FEELZ team got traded, I’d just hide them and be all

IDK

IDK WHERE THEY ARE

In unrelated news, it is fucking exhausting to be super invested in a goalie.  Hands are constantly over the mouth and praying is occurring.  I also screamed “STOP SHOOTING THINGS AT HIM” a bunch.  THERE ARE NO SHIFTS TO UNCLENCH YOUR BUTT.  PERMA-CLENCH.  If, by some miracle of the hockey Gods, BB Goalie actually got to be the all-the-time-goalie, after a season, MOVE OVER P90X AND BUNS OF STEEL, Goalie love is the new workout of choice.  I have never been attached to a goalie and this might actually kill me.

No, Louie, actual DEAD, not feelz DED.

No, Louie, actual DEAD, not feelz DED.

Please let this happen:

I was excited to see BB Goalie today, but I hope it didn’t screw up his chance to start in Montreal.  He is from Quebec.  Patrick Roy was his coach with the Remparts.  So many things would be amazing if Louie got the start tomorrow.  PLEASE HOCKEY GODS (AND TIPPETT).  While the Habs have been good, they haven’t been tearing up the scoreboard so it might be ok.  And if it goes horrifically bad, Roy probably showed him some epic ways for a goalie to have a meltdown?

WHY THE HELL ARE THESE GAMES NOT ON TV?  UNLEASH THE GIANT SQUID OF ANGER.  I might have to purchase Center Ice for this one damn game if he starts, but totes worth it.  Shoutout to my twitter follower that found me a stream of the game today, you are a life saver!!!!!

gif19

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AND THE MCEICHEL RACE IS ON…… also bb goalie?

We tossed in the towel today.  DUDE, I AM SO IN.  At least we have an honest direction now.  There is no way we make the playoffs this year and being in denial only prolongs the inevitable and hurts our draft ranking.  We traded Dubnyk to the Wild for a 3rd round pick….. so like peanuts.  Higher quality peanuts, but not like, a literal bag of pucks.

BYE DUBNYK!!!!

BYE DUBNYK!!!!

So, they are going to bring up McKenna because he is the…… wait…… they want to look at goalie talent in the pipeline…….

ZOMG

ZOMG

WHO ME?!?!?!!?!?!?!?

WHO ME?!?!?!!?!?!?!?

AND THEN I WAS JUST

I CAN HAZ BREATH

I CAN HAZ BREATH

i cannot

NOPE, CAN'T DEAL

NOPE, CAN’T DEAL

AJ DED

AJ DED

GUISE, BB GOALIE.  LIKE IT PRETTY MUCH FELT LIKE UNREALISTIC AND PIPEDREAMISH BUT ZOMG ZOMG THIS ISN’T A DRILL.

Let’s break it down.

1.  He is the best goalie.

2.  See #1

He was so kind and gracious at his very first prospect camp to a bunch of people who literally knew jack shit about hockey.  It was incredibly endearing.  Also, he is a bit of a BAMF goalie.  So preseason……. He played the second half of a game vs the Kings in LA, which was a split squad game where, literally, all the good King players stayed at home.  He not only shut them out, he blanked them in the shootout.  Carter, Richards, Kopitar.  BOOYAH MOTHERFUCKERS.

MAJESTIC MOFO

MAJESTIC MOFO

Ok, seriously.  I would be markedly less ok with this towel throwing if it was marked by Yands/Doan being traded.  I’m not ultra connected to Vermette and we can’t afford him next summer so, c’est la vie.  (FRENCH.  YOU KNOW, LIKE BB GOALIE SPEAKS)

This is a bit of a commitment to Mike Smith.  Which is heinous because should you have trade away a better performing player because you idiotically tied all your purse strings to a rock that is sinking and drowning everyone!?!?!?!?!  No.  Watching Mike Smith play is like watching Real Housewives of Where the Fuck Ever because it’s like HATE WATCHING.  You don’t want to hate watch the starting goalie of the team you are devoted to (unless you fuckers go off the deep end and start doing crazy shit like getting rid of OEL).

But you can rest assured, that, especially when BB Goalie gets called up, I will be watching Mike Smith like a hawk.  Just waiting for him to let the Avs hang 9 goals on us.

OMG IT IS HAPPENING

OMG IT IS HAPPENING

So the BB Goalie will be in goal.  In the national hockey league.  For the Coyotes.  FUCK, WHAT IF IT IS AN AWAY GAME?  *checks bank for emergency travel funds*

bouncing omg

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