Boyd Down

The Kings.  I freaking loathe the Kings.  I look at the entire roster and I’m like

double hate

The Kings are like the Raiders of the NHL.  Kopitar is a quality dude, but GUILT BY ASSOCIATION.

First Period:

Rust?  Food hangover?  Focused on Xmas present they received?  I DON’T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON, BUT IT WAS NOT GOOD HOCKEY.  Bad passing.  No prolonged pressure.  And zone entries.  OH MY GOD THE ZONE ENTRIES.

ENTERING THE ZONE

THIS DOG IS 100% BETTER THAN US

Luckily, the Kings took four penalties in the first and on the Power Play, Olli was able to get one in the net.

OMG GOAL

Yotes went into the locker room up 1-o after some good work by BB Goalie and Ollibear.

Second Period:

Sweet Baby Jesus, the discipline.  Chipchura and Forbert had fighting majors that offset, but then the Yotes took THREE PENALTIES.  Antoine, Brad, and………VICTOR VASILIEVICH TIKHONOV, YOU KNOW BETTER!  By the grace of Boyd Gordon, the PK did not allow any goals, but they had to work their asses off that period.

gotta-drink

Third Period:

THE GODDAMN WHEELS FELL OFF.  Did Tipp not yell at them about penalties during the second intermission!?!?!?!?!?!?  Doughty power play goal.  Tanner Pearson even strength goal.  OMG EVERYONE SLOW DOWN AND BREATHE AND CALM THE F DOWN…………just kidding, go ahead and take another penalty and a power play goal will be scored by…..

DUSTIN BROWN

Darth Brown

3-1.  THREE TO ONE.  FREAKING THREE GOALS IN THE THIRD PERIOD.  CAN WE GET OUR AS…………….omg boyd down.  boyd down.  not a drill.

Match penalty to Muzzin.  Boyd down.  Boyd down.  Boyd down.  BOYD DOWN.  BOYD DOWN AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

buffy

I WILL GO FULL BUFFY ON YOUR ASS

Boyd had to be helped off the ice.  UUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH.  So we had a man advantage for five minutes.  Alec Martinez got pressured and tossed the puck over the glass for an additional penalty.  5 on 3.

Antoine goal from Stone & Boeds!

HAND OUT OF GRAVE

RUMORS OF OUR DEMISE ARE GREATLY EXAGGERATED

30 seconds later?  Olli from Domi & Boedker

oh yeah

TIE GAME BITCHES

Overtime.

I don’t want to talk about it.  My very best hockey dude hung my other very best hockey dude out to dry.  IS THERE A HALLMARK CARD FOR THIS SITUATION!?!?!?!??  Oh Teek.  Oh BB Goalie.

tearbending

Teek played hard against Kopitar all night.  Going from being waived to centering the second line and going up against one of the best centers in the game?  Takes time to adjust.

Murphy (The Last American) has been noticeably good lately.  Rieder was noticeably good tonight and on PK had a couple steals and quasi-breakaways.  Boyd (OMG THE PAIN) was good on PK, as always.  He won 80% of his faceoffs and had over 7 minutes of TOI shorthanded.  Those are hard minutes.

We got a point when we didn’t deserve one.  You cannot take 8 penalties in a game and expect to get any points.  8 PENALTIES.  EIGHT.  You can’t blame the refs. Reffing is what it is and you have to roll with it.  8 PENALTIES.

Although we did get three power play goals, it was rough looking all night.  The passing was off.  I love Boedker, but I do not like him on the point.  He seems so scared and overly cautious and struggles to keep it in.  And OMG the zone entries on PP.

But seriously.

Also, Jordan Nolan was running around with his elbows up.  THIS FUCKING TEAM.  UUUUUGH.  Nolan, who freaking concussed Klesla and ended his career.  MY MEMORY IS LONG

RUN OVER

I WILL DEAL WITH THIS MYSELF

Lindback gets the start tomorrow night in Denver in this second part of this back-to-back.  I hope that after that, the net goes back to BB Goalie.  The snafu tonight wasn’t his fault, and while you want  your goalie to make timely saves, 8 FUCKING PENALTIES PEOPLE.

The next time we play LA is January 23rd.  I’ll be ready.

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100% Feelz

Nowadays I’m always freaking stoked about hockey because ZOMG TEEK IS BACK AND EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL AND RAINBOWS.

While I’m over here being totes stoked:

boxers dance

Teek is back dance

Then @azherdattacks tells me BB Goalie is starting….

what the fuck did you say

……………………/not breathing

…………….pterodactyl noises……..

102441518_slide

MIKE SMITH WHO

Yes you are tired of hearing about BB Goalie and the meltdowns…… STFU, IT’S HAPPENING.

Marty’s back!  Teek is playing!  BB Goalie is starting!  AAAHHHHHHHH

Here’s the thing.  Marty comes back and the Domi/Teek/Duclair line gets broken up?  WHAT THE FRIG?  Teek went back to the wing.  Now, he can play anywhere, but with how great that line was doing and the consistent pressure they had, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

ugh

DAMN YOU TIPPETT

He went from 17 &18 minutes in the previous two games to 13 minutes, 20 & 22 shifts to 16.  NOT FUCKING COOL TIPPETT.  When the game was on the line, Teek was out on the ice, but what a fucking downgrade from the previous situation.  His backcheck and forecheck was on point tonight so I hope that the ice time starts to go back up.  Calm down, I’m not going to Tonya Harding Marty.

First period:

OLLI BEAR SCORES!!!!!

fassender

The Isles left him alone in the middle of the ice.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU MUST BE NEW HERE.  He isn’t just a Dman.  He does the scoring.

The first penalty of the game was Frans Nielson.  The next penalty was Mikkel Boedker.  WHY ARE THE DANISH PEOPLE SO UNLAWFUL!?!?!?!  CHEATERS!!!!!

panda smash

CALM DOWN DENMARK

End of the first period:  Yotes 1, ASSHOLES SHOOTING THE PUCK AT BB GOALIE 0.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  The D was so much better, I wonder what motivated them?

Oh.  I see.  WHATEVER WORKS.  One period of shutout hockey down, two to go.

Screen Shot 2015-01-31 at 4.55.34 PM

ME TOO, LOUIS, ME TOO 

SECOND PERIOD:  I DON’T EVEN KNOW, I THINK I PASSED OUT BECAUSE CLUTTERBUCK HIT OEL AND I WOKE UP HOLDING A BASEBALL BAT……

Then Matt Martin tried to nail OEL and Olli breaks out his ballet and pirouettes away.  CROSSTRAINING FOR THE WIN!

omg cat

O NO HE DINT

End of the second period:  Yotes 1, ANTI-OEL roller derby-ers 0.  Two periods of shutout hockey down, one to go.

DSC_0060

Subtle, I know. 

Third period:  I’M NOT EVEN REALLY SURE, THERE WAS A LOT OF CRYING AND CARRYING ON AND SUCH.  There was a lot of chanting PLEASE DON’T FUCK THIS UP FOR HIM PLEASE DON’T FUCK THIS UP FOR HIM PLEASE DON’T FUCK THIS UP FOR HIM.

Clutterbuck took a penalty on Mikkel and can we just talk about what a complete freaking douchecanoe Cal is?!?!?!?!  We started a movement.

That poor, poor garbage truck.

ANYWAYS,  OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG SHUTOUT FOR BB GOALIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

tearbending

list my feels

First star of the game was BB Goalie.  DUH.  MORE LIKE FIRST STAR OF MY LIFE.

Second star was Olli Bear the goal scorer.  BUT he also had two penalties that forced penalty kills that took like a good 7 years off my life.  THE PAIN.

Third Star was Tobi.  I may have found some protections that we can enact:

So basically everything is wonderful and nothing hurts.  Except Mike Smith, but let’s hope he keeps hanging out on the DL for quite a while so BB Goalie can get his shot.  I’ve been driving this bandwagon since 2010 and sometimes I just think: Visentin, hahahahahaha.  #BBGoalie4Life

fangirl meter

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I Have No Funny Title, I’m Ded.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

When the Hawks waived Teek, I hoped against hope.

Then:

soc

CAREFULLY GRASP AS NOT TO SCARE

And:

So, I was excited. I attained a ticket to the Wild game, as it would the be first game back.  I didn’t even have freaking posterboard to make a sign so I had to ‘borrow’ some butcher paper from work.  I broke out my old sign markers that haven’t been used in like four years and OMG they were dried out and barely got the job done.

I was so ungodly excited as I was waiting for them to come out for warmups.  Teek skated out and I unrolled his welcome back sign.  When he skated by and hit the glass in front of me with his glove, I was stoked.

Screen Shot 2015-12-11 at 11.08.21 PM

YES YES YES

YAAAAAAAAAAAAS

So Teek goes across to the other side of the ice to stretch and he looks over and I show him that I’m wearing my Tikhonov #41 jersey and he’s like

807148

D’AWWWWWWW

TEEK

Thanks to @KHCoyoteFan for this lovely timed pic!

So I’m like INSANELY HAPPY all throughout warmups and then Teek skates over and gives me this:

IMG_20151211_222129315

And then I was ded

Lesley can attest to the fact that I was freaking mental during the game.  I just so desperately want him to do well so we don’t freaking waive him again.

So I get home and hop on the twitters and then:

Guys.  I can’t.  It’s too much.  I was literally like

 

So basically, epic fucking hockey night.  I’m so happy Teek is back, it’s been a long six years.  KEEP THE FAITH AND MAYBE IT WILL HAPPEN.

Next up:  PRUCHA.

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Tank Fail

THE COYOTES WERE SO FUCKING BAD.  But it was being horrible for a cause.  A chosen son, much like Crosby.  McDavid.  Dishonor for Connor.  YOU SUFFER AND THEN YOU GET THE PRIZE.  Here comes the lottery and the epic rejoic……

MOTHERFUCKER.

NO MCDAVID FOR YOU. EICHEL EITHER. BAHAHAHAHAHA.

NO MCDAVID FOR YOU. EICHEL EITHER. BAHAHAHAHAHA.

But….. but…. but……. DIAF EDMONTON, DIAF.  We draft Strome.  I want to quit life.  I climb up on a bridge to jump off…..so the Coyotes bring back Boyd Gordon.  I climb back down.

BOYD

BOYD

The Coyotes sign John Scott, I climb up on the bridge to jump off…… Vermette signs so I climb back down.

VERMETTE

VERMETTE

The Coyotes sign Steve Downie, I climb up on the bridge to jump off.  They re-sign BB Goalie so I climb back down.

O. M. F. G

O. M. F. G

Steve Downie takes Vrbata’s #17 and I climb up on the bridge to jump off.  They sign Z so I climb back down.

FLYING Z HUG

FLYING Z HUG

WE HAVE A VERY COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP, THE COYOTES AND I.  And now I am super good at climbing up on bridges.

Fast forward to opening night vs the Kings.  *looks at the roster*  WHO THE F ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE!?!?!??  Oh well, TANK FOR MATTHEWS IS A GO PEOPLE!

But then, a Z goal in the first?  Prolonged pressure in the King’s zone?  A OEL goal?!?!?!  A RIEDER GOAL?  EUROPE!  EUROPE!  EUROPE!!!!!   Plus Max Domi appearing to be the real deal with a goal and an assist?  FUCK YES.  I AM IN.  *buys ticket to the home opener vs the Pens*  The Pens lost their game and the Coyotes dominated so karma will likely have the Yotes lose like 7-1.

TONIGHT!

Player introductions:

O HEY

SHANE DOAN’S ENTRANCE

The Pens are a veritable who’s who of OH MY GOD I FORGOT THAT GUY WENT THERE.  Nick Bonino, Eric Fehr, Patrik Hornqvist, David Perron…. and Phil Kessel, the ONE player I remember going to the Pens.  HOLY CRAP.  ADD IN SID THE KID, GENO, TANGER, PASCAL……. WE ARE F’D.

Their roster kicks our roster's ass. Luckily, we still play the game.

Their roster kicks our roster’s ass.  Luckily, we still play the game.

The first period:  WE AREN’T LOSING BY LIKE 9 GOALS!!!!!!!  While there weren’t any goals, HOLY GOD, WE ARE ACTUALLY PLAYING OK AND KEEPING THE PRESSURE IN THE PEN’S ZONE.  WHO CAME UP WITH THIS NEW STRATEGY, IT IS AMAZEBALLS!!!!!

The second period:  JORDAN MARTINOOK!!!!!!!!!  I always love the unloved players.  Everyone is so damn enthralled with Domi and Duclair that I have an automatic soft spot for Martinook.  AND HE FREAKING SCORED A GOAL!!!!! <3

D'AWWWWWWW

D’AWWWWWWW

And like five seconds later, Phil Kessel scores and steals the thunder.  That’s ok, after all the BS that he dealt with in Toronto, I’m hoping that Phil has an A+ year.  You can eat hotdogs if you wanna, THIS IS AMERICA.

Crap, Tobias Rieder scored BEFORE Martinook, but I was so excited for Jordan that I apparently blocked this out.  EUROPE! EUROPE!  EUROPE!

SMUG POPCORN EATING

SMUG POPCORN EATING

Third period:  SHIT GOT INTENSE.  ALL THE SCORING OPPORTUNITIES.  OMG OMG OMG PLEASE DON’T TIE IT, YOU’LL MURDER US IN 3 ON 3 OT. PLEEEEEEASE

UH OH

SCARED POPCORN EATING

But, alas, COYOTES WIN!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAS

YAAAAAAAAAAAAS

So, we start our campaign to win local hockey hero, Auston Matthews by going 2-0.  Wait.  Aren’t we supposed to epically suck?  WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE TERRIBLE THIS YEAR.

WHAAAAAT IS HAPPENING

WHAAAAAT IS HAPPENING

Our defense is not horrible.  It is currently comprised of 50% Swedes and it is a well-known fact that Swedes descended from crazy ass Viking warriors, so maybe we’ll be ok on D?  Grossman is kind of growing on me.  Plus, Z was out tonight, so he can take Elliot’s place (and we can have less penalties because Jesus H Christ Elliot, you are a penalty magnet).  I can’t believe we gave up Gormley for this guy.

BRANDON

BRANDON

Offense:  After two games, your point leader is:  MARTIN HANZAL! (and Tobias Rieder).

OFFENSIVE JUGGERNAUT

OFFENSIVE JUGGERNAUT

So yeah, offense is still a bit worrisome. But the rookies seem to like to shoot.  We got Vermette back.  And….. yeah that’s it.  Oof.  OH MY GOD THIS IS THE LAST YEAR OF VRBATA’S DEAL CAN WE PLEASE TRADE FOR HIM, GIVE ME BACK MY VRBY!  In related news:  Downie took two penalties tonight and is a known douchecanoe.  HOW DARE HE TAINT THE PURENESS OF #17.  GIVE HIM BIZ’S NUMBER OR SOMETHING.  HAVE WE REALLY DESCENDED INTO SUCH MADNESS?!!?!

RADÍM

RADÍM

Overall:  Oliver has looked good.  The rookies have looked good.  Rieder has looked good.  I haven’t really noticed Doan?  I like Boedker on the point on the PP.  ALSO, RESIDENT STUD, OEL, IS DOUBLE SHIFTING ON POWER PLAY, WOOOOOOOO!  Boyd only played 8 minutes, THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.  And I begrudgingly admit that Mike Smith has been good in the first two games.  THAT WAS PAINFUL.

So far, so good.

So far, so good.

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DIAF Hockey Gods

My BB Goalie sense was tingling this morning.  I check the twitters and BAM!  POW!  KERPLUNK!  STARTER BABY!!!!!!!!  I had to quick buy a ticket because while I am practically the fucking mayor of #TankTown, I don’t want to pay money to witness the carnage.  BUT BB GOALIE FIRST HOME START!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Pretty much this.

Pretty much this.

OMG OK OK IM BREATHING

OMG OK OK IM BREATHING

:D :D :D :D ;) :)

:D :D :D :D ;) :)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF #TANKTOWN, THE REGULARLY SCHEDULE LOSS OF EPIC PROPORTIONS WILL BE PUT ON HOLD.  WE MUST WIN THE GAME FOR THE TINY BB GOALIE AND ONCE MIKE SMITH IS IN NET, THE TANKING SHALL COMMENCE.  THIS IS NOT A DRILL, CANCEL THE TANK.

I’ve never personally seen a game where I was invested in the goalie.  And by invested I mean……

FO' REAL

FO’ REAL

IT IS NOT SUPER FUN BEING A GOALIE FAN.  THE FIRST SHOT HIT HIM IN THE FACE AND I WAS LIKE

He stopped it with his MIND

He stopped it with his MIND

And then BB Goalie made his first save and I was all

D'AWWWWWWW

D’AWWWWWWW

BUT THEN HE DROPPED HIS STICK…….. A LOT.  AND LIKE A FREAK I THREW MY ARMS OUT LIKE I COULD:

A) CATCH IT

B) RETURN IT TO HIM

C) USE THE FORCE TO CRUSH THE WINDPIPES OF ALL THE PREDS WHILE HE RETRIEVED THE STICK HIMSELF (omg I’m totes Darth)

Pretty soon THEY KEPT SHOOTING AT HIM.  What the fuck.  I mean, yes, he is the goalie, but ……. DO THEY NOT FEAR FOR THEIR OWN SAFETY?!!?!?!?  Shots and saves.  Shots and saves.  Shots and saves.  LOST STICK.  Shots and saves.  Shots and saves.  Shots and saves…..

ALL THE TIME AJ FACE

ALL THE TIME AJ FACE

I couldn’t even evaluate the quality of the goaltending because most of the time was spent flinching and throwing my arms out like I had epilepsy.  But yeah, first period?  NO GOALS FOR YOU BITCHES!!!!!!

CAN'T. STOP. THE. GOALIE

CAN’T. STOP. THE. GOALIE

Second period:  I feel like the Preds scored because Louis was at the other end of the arena and my mojo could not reach him.  Chipchurra got his ASS BEAT.  Crombeen got in a fight with Mike Fisher.  I’m not a big Crombeen fan at all.  It worked out ok for us to have Fisher gone for five minutes, but Fisher isn’t really a Mike Tyson’s Punchout guy.  Not a huge fan of the second period.

I'm with you Draco.

I’m with you Draco.

Third period:  BB GOALIE RETURNS TO MY SIDE, LAND OF RAINBOWS, KITTENS, AND NO GOALS.  The game definitely got more chippy as it went.  Suddenly Wilson did something to Oliver because OLIVER WAS SAYING BAD WORDS and holding his wrist.

DSC_0227

ALSO, JAMES NEAL HIGH STICKED SHANE DOAN IN THE FACE.  IN HIS FACE.  NO ONE MAKES SHANE DOAN BLEED HIS OWN BLOOD.  And no one really did anything.

Insert:  Yandle rant

Here’s the fucking thing.  When people did stuff to Doan, Yandle was there.  Wizdouchski?  Yandle fought him.  Our AHL team just kinda skated around like DERP DERP.  I shake my head and hope that we love Doan enough to set him free this Summer.  He deserves better.  HE DESERVES YANDLE.  Also, when Yandle would screw up, he would haul ass back.  John Moore, you have been judged and found wanting.  #Can’tHandleNoYandle2015 /end rant

Also, fuck James Neal.  The James Neal hat trick is a goal, injuring a player, and then kicking a puppy.

UNLEASH THE SHANK

UNLEASH THE SHANK

9439214

He is your alternate captain?  Really Nashville?  REALLY?  Wow.

So during the power play for James Neal being a douchecanoe, Chipchura scores to tie the game.  Woot!  Way to dig Chipchura and recover from your beat down.

Game ends in a tie.  We get a point, making BB Goalie still undefeated in regulation, which for this team is ULTRA IMPRESSIVE.

I don’t want to speak of what happened in OT because James Neal scoring the winning goal in BB Goalie’s first home game after he high sticked Shane Doan and I was wearing my Prucha jersey…….. it’s just too much.  DIAF HOCKEY GODS, DIAF.  Y U DO DIS?!?!!?

316136 713325 758309 556299 738075

Good points:

BB GOALIE IS TOTALLY NOT BEING TERRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I greatly enjoy crazy people tweeting about him like

MY HEART, MY HEART, MY HEART.  WELCOME TO THE BB GOALIE BANDWAGON.  PLEASE PUT ON YOUR SEATBELTS, PROLLY GONNA BE BUMPY.

zomg1 gif17

DSC_0177 DSC_0282 DSC_0270

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The Keysmashiest Keysmash That Ever Keysmashed…. aka BB Goalie NHL Debut

BEHOLD!  THE CHILD GUARDIAN HAS COME FORTH TO STOPETH THY RUBBER.

BB GOALIE.

RAINBOW COLORED TEARSSSSSSSSSS

RAINBOW COLORED TEARSSSSSSSSSS

ACTUAL RUN AROUND HOUSE

ACTUAL RUN AROUND HOUSE

ZOMG! ZOMG! ZOMG!!!!!!!!

ZOMG! ZOMG! ZOMG!!!!!!!!

THE FLAILIEST FLAIL OF ALL THE FLAILS

THE FLAILIEST FLAIL OF ALL THE FLAILS

O. M. F. G

O. M. F. G

WAS IT GOOD?  No.  BUT!  Let’s cut the kid some slack.  He joined the club today.  Like game day…… on a matinee game day and was thrown into the game when Mike Smith finally jumped the shark.  Not necessarily the best preparation for your first game in the NHL.

ME TOO, LOUIE, ME TOO

ME TOO, LOUIE, ME TOO

However, BB Goalie lets in 2 goals on 11 shots.  STILL A FUCKING HIGHER SAVE PERCENTAGE THAT MIKE SMITH!!!!!!  Yes, it was a shorter time in net, but for his first game and being thrown in there?  I’ll take it.  He should have had the Karlsson shot.  But the second goal?  The artists formally known as defense did not perform.

UHHHHH

UHHHHH

I can’t remember much about the game before BB Goalie was put in due to my seizure/heartattack/blackout.  Thanks twitter for calling 911.

Anyways, how was the game going?  Well the highest paid player on the team let in like 5 goals on 20 shots.  So, there is that.  But hey, Z scored!!!  And tried to boss Mimi around, so that was fun!

Z skated Mimi away from a confrontation (with Shinniman bahahahah, but still)

Z skated Mimi away from a confrontation (with Shinniman bahahahah, but still)

Son of a bitch, I love Z and if they trade him……. it’ll be the 45 minute, laying on the floor bawling fit of Summer of ‘0whenthefuckeverthePenssignedhim.  He will re-sign with a hometown discount!  JUST GIVE HIM A FUCKING CHANCE!  We can’t ditch ALL of our experienced D.  WHO WILL TELL THE KIDS THAT THEY ARE DOING SHIT WRONG!?!?!?  Seriously though, they need an experienced Dman, and Z is the most bestest qualified.

Whew, back to the game.  So yeah, GoalFest 2015.  At least GMDM took it well?

Ok, so basically BYE EVERYONE.  BYYYYYYYYE.  I was talking to Jon last night about my “untouchable” list for trades.  He made me make a rational one and a AJ FEELZ LUV list.

Rational:  OEL, Yandle, Z, Doan, Marty, maybe Boeds.

AJ FEELZ LUV:  OEL, BB GOALIE, MARTY, Z, LAURI, BOEDS, PART-TIME HUSBAND JOE VITALE, AND DOAN.  And maybe Rieder, BECAUSE EUROPE.

If any of the FEELZ team got traded, I’d just hide them and be all

IDK

IDK WHERE THEY ARE

In unrelated news, it is fucking exhausting to be super invested in a goalie.  Hands are constantly over the mouth and praying is occurring.  I also screamed “STOP SHOOTING THINGS AT HIM” a bunch.  THERE ARE NO SHIFTS TO UNCLENCH YOUR BUTT.  PERMA-CLENCH.  If, by some miracle of the hockey Gods, BB Goalie actually got to be the all-the-time-goalie, after a season, MOVE OVER P90X AND BUNS OF STEEL, Goalie love is the new workout of choice.  I have never been attached to a goalie and this might actually kill me.

No, Louie, actual DEAD, not feelz DED.

No, Louie, actual DEAD, not feelz DED.

Please let this happen:

I was excited to see BB Goalie today, but I hope it didn’t screw up his chance to start in Montreal.  He is from Quebec.  Patrick Roy was his coach with the Remparts.  So many things would be amazing if Louie got the start tomorrow.  PLEASE HOCKEY GODS (AND TIPPETT).  While the Habs have been good, they haven’t been tearing up the scoreboard so it might be ok.  And if it goes horrifically bad, Roy probably showed him some epic ways for a goalie to have a meltdown?

WHY THE HELL ARE THESE GAMES NOT ON TV?  UNLEASH THE GIANT SQUID OF ANGER.  I might have to purchase Center Ice for this one damn game if he starts, but totes worth it.  Shoutout to my twitter follower that found me a stream of the game today, you are a life saver!!!!!

gif19

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AND THE MCEICHEL RACE IS ON…… also bb goalie?

We tossed in the towel today.  DUDE, I AM SO IN.  At least we have an honest direction now.  There is no way we make the playoffs this year and being in denial only prolongs the inevitable and hurts our draft ranking.  We traded Dubnyk to the Wild for a 3rd round pick….. so like peanuts.  Higher quality peanuts, but not like, a literal bag of pucks.

BYE DUBNYK!!!!

BYE DUBNYK!!!!

So, they are going to bring up McKenna because he is the…… wait…… they want to look at goalie talent in the pipeline…….

ZOMG

ZOMG

WHO ME?!?!?!!?!?!?!?

WHO ME?!?!?!!?!?!?!?

AND THEN I WAS JUST

I CAN HAZ BREATH

I CAN HAZ BREATH

i cannot

NOPE, CAN'T DEAL

NOPE, CAN’T DEAL

AJ DED

AJ DED

GUISE, BB GOALIE.  LIKE IT PRETTY MUCH FELT LIKE UNREALISTIC AND PIPEDREAMISH BUT ZOMG ZOMG THIS ISN’T A DRILL.

Let’s break it down.

1.  He is the best goalie.

2.  See #1

He was so kind and gracious at his very first prospect camp to a bunch of people who literally knew jack shit about hockey.  It was incredibly endearing.  Also, he is a bit of a BAMF goalie.  So preseason……. He played the second half of a game vs the Kings in LA, which was a split squad game where, literally, all the good King players stayed at home.  He not only shut them out, he blanked them in the shootout.  Carter, Richards, Kopitar.  BOOYAH MOTHERFUCKERS.

MAJESTIC MOFO

MAJESTIC MOFO

Ok, seriously.  I would be markedly less ok with this towel throwing if it was marked by Yands/Doan being traded.  I’m not ultra connected to Vermette and we can’t afford him next summer so, c’est la vie.  (FRENCH.  YOU KNOW, LIKE BB GOALIE SPEAKS)

This is a bit of a commitment to Mike Smith.  Which is heinous because should you have trade away a better performing player because you idiotically tied all your purse strings to a rock that is sinking and drowning everyone!?!?!?!?!  No.  Watching Mike Smith play is like watching Real Housewives of Where the Fuck Ever because it’s like HATE WATCHING.  You don’t want to hate watch the starting goalie of the team you are devoted to (unless you fuckers go off the deep end and start doing crazy shit like getting rid of OEL).

But you can rest assured, that, especially when BB Goalie gets called up, I will be watching Mike Smith like a hawk.  Just waiting for him to let the Avs hang 9 goals on us.

OMG IT IS HAPPENING

OMG IT IS HAPPENING

So the BB Goalie will be in goal.  In the national hockey league.  For the Coyotes.  FUCK, WHAT IF IT IS AN AWAY GAME?  *checks bank for emergency travel funds*

bouncing omg

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Hertl — Can’t Even Be Mad @ Him

aj

*waves*

*waves*

Yep, I went to the game tonight, but let’s start off with the most important business of the year:

UMMMMMMMMMMM

UMMMMMMMMMMM

………………..THIS HAPPENED.  It didn’t happen for long because, let’s be honest, my twitter is a shitshow.  SCARIEST 90 SECONDS OF MY LIFE.  He came for the humor, he left because …… ANY NUMBER OF REASONS.

So, the Coyotes.  Recall Philip Samuelsson.  OK!!!!!  Waive Summers and Bmac.  FML.   Summers!!!!!!! Nooooooo!!!  He isn’t killing it, but I greatly enjoy him as a person and if we fucking suck this year, me liking them should count for at least 50%.  Fucking 51%.

Wait, they moved someone to IR?  Who…………..EFJKL  ;AJF  EFwj lskfl  l/ fALS BWE J2

DED

DED

Marty is ded.  So I see comments on twitter and on FB about people starting to bitch about how much Marty is hurt.  In his 7 full-year seasons with the Yotes he’s missed about 12 games a season.  In the past few years he has been hurt more often.  He also plays a fuck ton of minutes.  Hard minutes.  Minutes that would make your fucking scrotum crawl back into your bodies gentlemen.  PK is a bitch.  Power play in front of the net?  You wouldn’t last 3 seconds.  5 vs 5 against the top lines of the other team?  Joe Thornton.  Getzlaf.  This is the West, we bang.  They aren’t exactly small, weak men.  So basically, shut the fuck up, he gets owwies.

Czechs agree

Czechs agree

Lucas Lessio.  Man.  He got manhandled all night.  In the closing minute, he literally got held down by like four dudes and then Braun held him forever (I’m 49% sure he speared Braun, because that dude was in fucking PAIN when he went to the bench after).  LL was just noticed too  much for bad stuff.  Pass going off his skate, letting the puck out of the zone, poor passes.  He did have the speed to get back and defend in his own end, so I will give him that.  I just don’t see what he is bringing that Hodgeman didn’t.  I mean if we have officially given up and are evaluating talent, I get it.  But????

It is a bit like this

It is a bit like this

The game!  Heeeeeeeeeey first period goal via Boeds!!!!!  He’s on a bit of a hot streak.  We always complained that Vrby was a bit of a streaky player, but dude, Boeds seems more  lava and glacier than Vrbs.  Assist from OEL.  SCANDABABIANS FTW!!

The Second period turned into a bit of #HereComesTheCoyotes.  JoePa had a PPG and then Hertl scored.  BBQ CZECH!!  YOU CAN’T EVEN BE MAD CUZ:

WORKS OUT WITH OLD PEOPLE

WORKS OUT WITH OLD PEOPLE

IS SECRETLY PIKACHU

IS SECRETLY PIKACHU

ALSO IS GRU?

ALSO IS GRU?

See?  You just want him to have a goal, amirite?  Doan tied the game up anyways so, yay bbq Czech!!!!  (There is already a BB Czech, so…..)

But, the Coyotes are still the Coyotes and Dillion scored in the third.  The Sharks also had a goal disallowed because Dub knocked the net off before the shot (Britters called this THE OSGOOD).

So before we get to the positive stuff, I have two mini rants.

A dude IN A FAKE DOAN JERSEY sat on the glass behind the Sharks bench.  1.  Fake jerseys are an abomination and the hockey gods should smite those who bear the mark.  2.  If you can afford those seats, you can afford a real fucking jersey.  Or a real shersey.  Or a fucking hoodie that says Coyotes.  I really kinda wanna make a tumblr dedicated to fake jersey shaming.

Also:  This girl behind me didn’t know what icing was.  That’s ok, hey, maybe she is new.  Nope, she was talking about how the place is 90% Red Wings fans when she comes to games.  DOES NOT UNDERSTAND ICING.  ATTENDS LOTS OF RED WINGS GAMES………. *insert your own joke here*  (This isn’t all RW fans, but it sure seems to be a high ass % of them that attend Phx games)

SHE COULD BE GREAT FRIENDS WITH THE LADY IN FRONT OF ME YELLING SHIT AT GAG-NER.  Like gag. ner.  *sigh*

OMFG

OMFG

POSITIVES!!!!!!

Dubnyk started the game in goal so we had an actual chance at winning.  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Boeds continues to do offensive things (fear of McDavid???)

Oliver is a badass All-Star mofo!

Vrby is an All-Star!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Good for him, fuck my life.  ALL HE WANTED WAS A FUCKING NO MOVEMENT CLAUS……. breathe AJ, he’s gone to a better place.

Umm the Suns are fighting for a low playoff spot!

O HAI EUROPEAN

O HAI EUROPEAN

I MAKE DUNK

I MAKE DUNK

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Marty/points, Olli/down, Joe/preggo

EVERYTHING IS HAPPENINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

THERE WAS MARTY GOAL.  MARTY ASSISTS.  TOBI GOALS.  OMGGGGGGGGGG.

wait, why is Oliver on the…………….THIS IS NOT A MOTHERFUCKING DRILL, OLLI BEAR DOWN.  THERE WAS LEAPING AND CUSSING AND THREATENING AND THEN………….. JOE.

GLOB

Let’s start at the beginning.

I kind of slept through the first period.  It started out really slow.  Mike Smith was in goal so I was pretty busy girding my loins for a loss BECAUSE MIKE SMITH.  But Tobi got a goal!

Tobias is my German homeboy!  End of the first period, Yotes up 1-0!

And then Coyotes almost went full-Coyote.  Tyutin and Wisniewski scored.  Coyotes down 2-1.  Wait, Wisniewski?   REACHES BACK INTO LONG ASS MEMORY.  BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

DOAN FANS NEVER FORGET

DOAN FANS NEVER FORGET

Now that we have that bit of business out of the way, UGH COYOTES, Y U DO DIS?  Y U B SOOOOOOO BAD?!?!!?!?!?!?  I was starting to regret buying tick…….

OMG OLIVER GOAL FROM MARTY AND IM DED!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Europe for the win!!!!!!!  Next goal, Gagner (gag me) FROM MARTY AND OLIVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some day we'll find it The EUROPE connection The Oliver, the Marty, and me.

Some day we’ll find it
The EUROPE connection
The Oliver, the Marty, and me.

AND THEN ADD IN A MARTY GOAL.  MAR MARRRRRRRRRRRRR

THIS PICTURE WILL BE ON MY GRAVESTONE, THANKS @IKEASTAN!!!

THIS PICTURE WILL BE ON MY GRAVESTONE, THANKS @IKEASTAN!!!

IT WAS INSANE.  ALL THE PUCKS!  GOING IN THE NET!  VIA THE COYOTES PLAYERS!  IN THE OPPONENTS NET!  Things actually going right!?!?!?!??!?!?!!?

MOTHER F

MOTHER F

OLIVER.

DOWN.

Now, I was sitting in Row B.  Oliver goes down our corner.  I literally leap into the front row, standing on the seat, hands up against the glass, and thinking about going over the glass.

I feel that I handled it well.

omg gollum

crying brainFIGHT45FIGHT1

HOLD ME BACK

HOLD ME BACK

FUCK YOU SKILLE

FUCK YOU SKILLE

im doneSERIOUSLY.  THIS IS THE EVIDENCE OF HOW WELL I TOOK IT:

I did not break blood vessels in my hand beating the glass (Prucha incident)

I did not stand up and scream GETZLAF YOU F@#@% C**KS****ER (Mueller incident)

LOOK AT ALL MY PERSONAL GROWTH.

Back to the game:  OH MY CHRIST OLIVER IS DEAD.  He was down.  The trainer came out.  Olli did skate off on his own, but he went straight to the locker room and SKILLE CAN GO STRAIGHT TO HELL.  DO NOT PASS GO.  DO NOT COLLECT $200.  Fucker.

Olli came back at the start of the third period. Chipchura scored.  Gagner scored again.  Marty had another assist.  I COULDN’T EVEN CHEER, I WAS STILL SO PISSED.

ya freakin hoo.

ya freakin hoo.

Hawkeye is getting thrown out of the new Avengers movie and being replaced by JOE. MOTHERFUCKING. VITALE.

GUYS.  HE FOUGHT SKILLE.  TO AVENGE THE OLLI.

Vitale stood toe to toe with Skille and was all:

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

ME DURING THE FIGHT

ME DURING THE FIGHT

JOE.  SERIZ.  YOU AND ME.

JOE. SERIZ. YOU AND ME.

THE WHOLE CROWD WAS ALLL

THE WHOLE CROWD WAS ALL

gif17

I MAY HAVE ACCIDENTALLY IMPREGNATED THIS MAN.  THINGS WERE HAPPENING.

I MAY HAVE ACCIDENTALLY IMPREGNATED THIS MAN. THINGS WERE HAPPENING.

i cannot.  we don’t have like an “enforcer”.  it somewhat stresses me out.  olli chirps.  he is good.  he frustrates people much bigger than him.  thus far, he has chosen to play without the bubblewrap i really want him to use.  bad things are bound to happen.  BUT YOU KNOW WHO YOU CAN FUCKING COUNT ON?  THIS FUCKING GUY RIGHT HERE

THIS FUCKING SUPERHERO RIGHT HERE.

HUSBAND

BYE SKILLE

BYE SKILLE

Big Coyotes win.  Oliver seems to be alive.  Marty had 4 points.  Joe avenged the OEL.  MY HEART RUNNETH OVER.

AJ Awards:

Stud of the Game:  Marty.  Huge game.  Deserves all the cookies.

New Supreme Overlord of My Soul:  Joe.  In some cultures, we are now considered married.

All-the-time Doghouse:  Mike Smith.  He did ok.  He ‘improved to 6-15-2.  Oy.

Our D May Be Sketch So We Throw Ourselves In The Path:  Murphy had 4 blocks and Stone had 5.  Z must be rubbing off on them!!!!

Lauri was announced as the starting center but took zero faceoffs.  Uhhhhh ok?

This game made me actually WANT TO GO TO MORE GAMES!  Whaaaaaaaaat?

Slow healing  -- but this game starting our healing process Yotes.

Slow healing — but this game starting our healing process Yotes.

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Rollercoasters Make Me Hurl

OOOOOOOK, my battery is on 12%, I drove six hours today, it’s after midnight, and I’m way overly tired SO BUCKLE IN BITCHES, LET’S DO THIS THING.

We. Are. Bad.  Like out of control bad.  We had traction once upon a time and then whoooooooooooooooosh

NO BRAKES

JUST ALONG FOR THE RIDE

Super fucking bad

Super f-ing bad

We had no prolonged pressure tonight.  Hell, we couldn’t even get it through the neutral zone 90% of the time.  NO GOALS.  All the goals are in Vancouver.  Vrby is like the Goal Nazi.  NO GOAL FOR YOU!

flawsOMG quit being dramatic Coyotes, I know you work on stuff.  But some stuff you cannot fix without…….. oh what is the word………. offensive prowess.  You cannot have an entire forwards roster of grinders and corner-workers.  Did I just call them hookers?  ANYWAYS.

God Bless Doan, but when he is tied for the lead in goals for your team, you are in trouble.  That isn’t his jam.  Yes, he can do it.  But he is slightly elderly and isn’t exactly Jagr or Teemu in the shooting department.  Marty can score goals, but mainly on Mike Smith or when trying to show Vrby that he is an independent woman and doensn’t need Vrb, so that isn’t ultra helpful.  I would mention Korps, BUT I FUCKING LOVE HIM SO BACK AWAY SLOWLY AND NO ONE GETS HURT.

Life under the umbrella of protection is good

Life under the umbrella of protection is good

The Flames aren’t terrible.  In fact, the Flames are the new Coyotes of yesteryear.  Brad Treliving took all the good GMDM mojo and flew the coup.  If you had an above average goalie (O HAI HILLER) and some chemistry, you can blow things up.  I am totally sad face that Feaster won’t be trying to out-crazy Sather with trades and signings.  O THE GOLDEN AGE OF CRAZY ASS GMs.  Oh and throw Burke and his truculence in there.  I LOVE YOU BRIAN BURKE, DON’T EVER CHANGE.

fangurl5

So what now for the Yotes?

Well, not quite yet.

Well, not quite yet.

CALM DOWN AJ

CALM DOWN AJ

NO OLIVER, I WILL NOT CALM DOWN.  I WANT THOSE TWO HOURS OF MY LIFE BACK.  Not really, but there were these two drunk Flames fans in front of me and it was SO DAMN PAINFUL.  STOP REPRESENTING CANADA IN A SHITTY WAY, DRUNK FLAMES FANS.

AJ LOOK IN MY EYES, YOU ARE CALMING DOWN

AJ LOOK IN MY EYES, YOU ARE CALMING DOWN

......

……

......

…..

Alright, so let’s try to figure out some positives…….  OOOOOOOOO, SHINNIMAN’S DEBUT GAME!!!!

READY TO HIGH STICK E'RYONE

READY TO HIGH STICK E’RYONE

You could tell Brendan was nervous and it was an adjustment to the NHL speed.  I was hoping that he would carry on the tradition of scoring in his first game like Tobias and Justin, but hey, nobody else scored either so what can you really expect?  He didn’t get grocery stick’d and had more TOI than the fourth line.  75% faceoff win percentage and no stupid penalties.  LET’S COUNT THIS AS A WIN.

SOMETHING GOOD

SOMETHING GOOD

Also, I see you and that 80% faceoff win percentage, Martin Hanzal.  After what had to be a rough, rough, rough couple days after his game-winning goal in the last game, Marty was alright tonight.  I think he had his head held high, but I can’t really see without getting a freaking crick in my neck.

In other good news, it’s the end of November so those pornstar ‘staches can go.  DO YOU HEAR ME OEL?  THE SHAVING CAN HAPPEN.

Heh, maybe I'll keep it.  BULLSHIT OLLI, UR SHAVING IT.

Heh, maybe I’ll keep it. BULLSHIT OLLI, UR SHAVING IT.

YOU TOO WYATT EARP

YOU TOO WYATT EARP

YOU TOO, PERSON WHO CAN'T REALLY GROW STUFF

YOU TOO, PERSON WHO CAN’T REALLY GROW STUFF

Uhh, you can keep it ;)

Uhh, you can keep it ;)

O HAI.

O HAI.

We hit Edmonton and Calgary early this week and I swear to God, if we can’t beat the Oilers……… tune into the blog for more fun updates about the YOTES ROLLERCOASTER

IMMA TOSS MY COOKIES

IMMA TOSS MY COOKIES

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