Tank Fail

THE COYOTES WERE SO FUCKING BAD.  But it was being horrible for a cause.  A chosen son, much like Crosby.  McDavid.  Dishonor for Connor.  YOU SUFFER AND THEN YOU GET THE PRIZE.  Here comes the lottery and the epic rejoic……

MOTHERFUCKER.

NO MCDAVID FOR YOU. EICHEL EITHER. BAHAHAHAHAHA.

NO MCDAVID FOR YOU. EICHEL EITHER. BAHAHAHAHAHA.

But….. but…. but……. DIAF EDMONTON, DIAF.  We draft Strome.  I want to quit life.  I climb up on a bridge to jump off…..so the Coyotes bring back Boyd Gordon.  I climb back down.

BOYD

BOYD

The Coyotes sign John Scott, I climb up on the bridge to jump off…… Vermette signs so I climb back down.

VERMETTE

VERMETTE

The Coyotes sign Steve Downie, I climb up on the bridge to jump off.  They re-sign BB Goalie so I climb back down.

O. M. F. G

O. M. F. G

Steve Downie takes Vrbata’s #17 and I climb up on the bridge to jump off.  They sign Z so I climb back down.

FLYING Z HUG

FLYING Z HUG

WE HAVE A VERY COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP, THE COYOTES AND I.  And now I am super good at climbing up on bridges.

Fast forward to opening night vs the Kings.  *looks at the roster*  WHO THE F ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE!?!?!??  Oh well, TANK FOR MATTHEWS IS A GO PEOPLE!

But then, a Z goal in the first?  Prolonged pressure in the King’s zone?  A OEL goal?!?!?!  A RIEDER GOAL?  EUROPE!  EUROPE!  EUROPE!!!!!   Plus Max Domi appearing to be the real deal with a goal and an assist?  FUCK YES.  I AM IN.  *buys ticket to the home opener vs the Pens*  The Pens lost their game and the Coyotes dominated so karma will likely have the Yotes lose like 7-1.

TONIGHT!

Player introductions:

O HEY

SHANE DOAN’S ENTRANCE

The Pens are a veritable who’s who of OH MY GOD I FORGOT THAT GUY WENT THERE.  Nick Bonino, Eric Fehr, Patrik Hornqvist, David Perron…. and Phil Kessel, the ONE player I remember going to the Pens.  HOLY CRAP.  ADD IN SID THE KID, GENO, TANGER, PASCAL……. WE ARE F’D.

Their roster kicks our roster's ass. Luckily, we still play the game.

Their roster kicks our roster’s ass.  Luckily, we still play the game.

The first period:  WE AREN’T LOSING BY LIKE 9 GOALS!!!!!!!  While there weren’t any goals, HOLY GOD, WE ARE ACTUALLY PLAYING OK AND KEEPING THE PRESSURE IN THE PEN’S ZONE.  WHO CAME UP WITH THIS NEW STRATEGY, IT IS AMAZEBALLS!!!!!

The second period:  JORDAN MARTINOOK!!!!!!!!!  I always love the unloved players.  Everyone is so damn enthralled with Domi and Duclair that I have an automatic soft spot for Martinook.  AND HE FREAKING SCORED A GOAL!!!!! ❤

D'AWWWWWWW

D’AWWWWWWW

And like five seconds later, Phil Kessel scores and steals the thunder.  That’s ok, after all the BS that he dealt with in Toronto, I’m hoping that Phil has an A+ year.  You can eat hotdogs if you wanna, THIS IS AMERICA.

Crap, Tobias Rieder scored BEFORE Martinook, but I was so excited for Jordan that I apparently blocked this out.  EUROPE! EUROPE!  EUROPE!

SMUG POPCORN EATING

SMUG POPCORN EATING

Third period:  SHIT GOT INTENSE.  ALL THE SCORING OPPORTUNITIES.  OMG OMG OMG PLEASE DON’T TIE IT, YOU’LL MURDER US IN 3 ON 3 OT. PLEEEEEEASE

UH OH

SCARED POPCORN EATING

But, alas, COYOTES WIN!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAS

YAAAAAAAAAAAAS

So, we start our campaign to win local hockey hero, Auston Matthews by going 2-0.  Wait.  Aren’t we supposed to epically suck?  WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE TERRIBLE THIS YEAR.

WHAAAAAT IS HAPPENING

WHAAAAAT IS HAPPENING

Our defense is not horrible.  It is currently comprised of 50% Swedes and it is a well-known fact that Swedes descended from crazy ass Viking warriors, so maybe we’ll be ok on D?  Grossman is kind of growing on me.  Plus, Z was out tonight, so he can take Elliot’s place (and we can have less penalties because Jesus H Christ Elliot, you are a penalty magnet).  I can’t believe we gave up Gormley for this guy.

BRANDON

BRANDON

Offense:  After two games, your point leader is:  MARTIN HANZAL! (and Tobias Rieder).

OFFENSIVE JUGGERNAUT

OFFENSIVE JUGGERNAUT

So yeah, offense is still a bit worrisome. But the rookies seem to like to shoot.  We got Vermette back.  And….. yeah that’s it.  Oof.  OH MY GOD THIS IS THE LAST YEAR OF VRBATA’S DEAL CAN WE PLEASE TRADE FOR HIM, GIVE ME BACK MY VRBY!  In related news:  Downie took two penalties tonight and is a known douchecanoe.  HOW DARE HE TAINT THE PURENESS OF #17.  GIVE HIM BIZ’S NUMBER OR SOMETHING.  HAVE WE REALLY DESCENDED INTO SUCH MADNESS?!!?!

RADÍM

RADÍM

Overall:  Oliver has looked good.  The rookies have looked good.  Rieder has looked good.  I haven’t really noticed Doan?  I like Boedker on the point on the PP.  ALSO, RESIDENT STUD, OEL, IS DOUBLE SHIFTING ON POWER PLAY, WOOOOOOOO!  Boyd only played 8 minutes, THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.  And I begrudgingly admit that Mike Smith has been good in the first two games.  THAT WAS PAINFUL.

So far, so good.

So far, so good.

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