Holy Shit, the education system is in bad ass shape because the Flyers CANNOT count to five. They keep thinking 6 is the new 5. The referees don’t understand new math so: LOTS OF PENALTIES.
Doaner. If you add Chychrun and Crouse together, it still doesn’t equal your age, but like canned food during the zombie apocalypse, you get more appreciated and valued as time goes on. Please don’t retire. We’ll let you score all the goals this year! In fact, why don’t you go ahead and score the first goal of the season? WE WILL EVEN LET YOU DO IT ON THE POWER PLAY!!! And you can have Dvorak get an assist, his first NHL point of his career. SEE, DON’T YOU FEEL AMAZING AND LIKE YOU CAN PLAY FOREVER EVEN IF WE HAVE TO WEEKEND AT BERNIES YOU? #WeekendAtDoaners Boom. Doaner goal, we’re up 1-0.
BUT GUYS, MIKE SMITH IS GOALIE, SO SOON IT’S 1-0. There was traffic in front and the puck seemed to curve in a way that physics doesn’t quite explain to me and Raffl tied it for the Flyers. It wasn’t all Mike Smith. OMG that hurt to say.
Chychrun was hauling ass up the ice (18 year old legs can skate skate fast) and tried this wrap-around move to which Steve Mason basically was like BITCH PLEASE. But the rebound was poked home by Marty!!!!!! WOOOOOOOO MAR MAR! Chychrun whom shall now be referred to as Baby Not Z, was so freaking excited to get his first point. That joyful face. Short lived….but we’ll get back to that. Good guys up 2-1 at the end of the 1st. YOU KNOW, A REAL DEFENSIVE BATTLE
So let’s chat about Brad Richardson. He’s a likable dude. Serviceable center. All-around gem. Last year, L dubbed him SFC (second favorite center) because, obviously, Boyd Gordon has permanent hold on FFC (first favorite center) positioning. But since pain in the ass Millennial Velociraptor refused to sign Boyd this summer, figuring out what Brad’s new spot is difficult. I say we go with RFC (replacement favorite center), because Boyd might come back. COYOTES ALWAYS COME HOME. Anyways, RFC scored a shorthanded goal right at the start of the second period. WOOOOOOOO we’re up 3-1!
3-1? GUYS, THIS MIGHT BE A BLOWOUT. WE MIGHT WIN! THINGS ARE GOING SO GRE…… Wayne Simmonds scores. UGH. More on this motherf later. At least we are still up 3-2. Nope. Matt Read scores towards the start of the third period. Tie game.
Wayne Simmonds. I have hated him for so long. SO LONG. He went at Oliver. Yes, THAT Oliver. Of the Ekman-Larsson clan. Of Sweden. HE HAD THE FREAKING NERVE TO GO AT OLIVER. OLIVER DOWN.
OH! I almost forgot. Dale Weise needs to join him because HE ALMOST KILLED BABY NOT Z. When Baby Not Z went into the end boards, it was at the far end of the arena from where I was sitting so I didn’t clearly see what he hit. I was suuuuuuuuper worried it was his head, because he was laying there like a sack of potatoes, not moving. But apparently he went in legs first and jacked something up. He just stayed on the ice for so long….. and it was his first NHL game so you legit know his parents were in the building. UGH. But he was hockey alive and was back on the bench later.
We need to talk about OT. Hold on. To go back to that freaking drama, I need to prep myself.
Ok. OH MY FREAKING GOD. IT WAS LIKE WATCHING THREE PEOPLE SLOWLY BE SLAUGHTERED AND YOU COULD DO NOTHING. Domi, Dvorak, and Golly were slowly being drained of life force. It was like they were mice in a harem of starved cats, attacked, and toyed with before the end. THEY COULD NOT GET OFF THE ICE. They were, legit, on the ice for 2 minutes, in a 3v3 situation with tons of open ice they had to cover. PAIN. THE PAIN. Finally they changed out for Hanzal, Vrbata, and OEL, aka OMG MY SQUAD. They finally got offensive control and Olly got a pass from Vrbs and took a shot. The Flyers D was like
IT’S IN! THAT’S GAME BITCHES! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 1-0. UNDEFEATED SEASON INCOMING! Bahahahahahaha. Ok. I’m lucid again. But guys! VRBY!
Vrby’s back. And he’s still the greatest thing since sliced bread. F all the haters that didn’t want him back and called him washed up.
Marty and Vrbs are together. Doaner is scoring goals. Olly is scoring game winning goals. I want to stab people that hurt the baby rookies. And they healthy scratched Z. ALL THE CONFLICTED FEELINGS. What a start to the year.