Who the hell is this team? There are only 14 people back from last year and that’s counting Mike Smith, who I try my very best to forget. And they are yooooooung. Shane Doan is basically running a daycare, but hey, at least we know those kids will be raised right.
But AJ, you love young players. You hate Tippett because he hates young players. Yes, yes, that is true, but I don’t know anything about these whippersnappers. Let’s take a brief look:
Jakob Chychrun: I’m torn. Seriously torn. When watching the draft this summer, I WAS SO ANXIOUS FOR HIM. He was previously the second ranked prospect, but his ranking went down his last year and he fell through the early first round like a rock. And, of course, the camera kept cutting to him until I starting BEGGING teams to pick him. I was glad we took on fictional debt of a Russian to trade up and get him, but I am a little concerned that we’re connected to Putin now. But here’s the thing. He’s a Dman. He’s supposed to take a longer time to fully develop, so we’ll see him in a couple years, yes? No. We see him now and because of that, we waived Z. Now that is a direct attack on CzechFinnistan. Do I like Chychrun? YES, but taking Z’s spot is the worst fucking way to introduce yourself EVER. So he’s Baby Not Z.
Lawson Crouse: This is the kid we got from Florida (OMG YANDLE COME HOME) with Broken Bolly for a 2nd and 3rd round pick. He’s a big dude. Not Marty-big, but 6’4, 220 is not someone who I would call a pansy in a dark alley. I really don’t know a lot about him other than he did have 23 goals and 29 assists in 49 games in the OHL last year. Oh, and his nickname is The Sheriff. Well kiddo, you’re with the big boys now so until you prove yourself, you’re The Deputy. Also, please people, don’t let me become a professional drawer of sheriff badges.
Christian Dvorak: 121 points in 59 games in London last season and 35 points in 18 playoff games……this kid knows how to do things with the biscuit. I have zero nicknames because other than SCORES LIKE A MOFO, I have nada to go on. I guess he’s a work in progress. Dvořák is a Czech name so, even tho this kid is American, it’s as close as I’m going to get to European with this new crop of babies. ALSO, CAN WE ADDRESS OUT SERIOUS LACK OF EUROPEAN PROSPECTS?
Laurent Dauphin: HE COMES WITH A BUILT IN NICKNAME. I love it when they make it easy. This dude? I also do not know THAT much about him. He does the hockeys and played major junior in the Q for Chicoutimi. Any Coyotes fan worth their salt knows that is the home of Pierre the Fanatic Hockey Snowman. Is he good? We shall see, Prince.
Dylan Strome: I swear to Christ, if they end up scratching this kid on and off through the year….. we should just send him back. Thus is my frustration at the age restrictions. Erie isn’t going to make him better. The AHL would help. GAH. Stupid Canada and their insistence on Major Junior talent. Dylan looks more grown up this year, physically. He must have been eating Wheaties in the off-season. I want to see what he can do, but this might be a case of me hating Tippett again all year. Also, he didn’t play last night so I had to improvise the picture.
In conclusion, I don’t freaking know. I’m most partial to Chychrun, which is super fucking frustration because OMG Z. We shall see what they have in store for us. Maybe they’ll show some personality. Probably not. OMG WE NEED MORE PLAYERS THAT AREN’T ROBOTS, GET ME MORE EUROPEANS, STAT!
I will close with some old timey Pierre videos for your enjoyment.
Baby Baby Dane. That hair and lack of English. THE GOOD OL’ DAYS.
OMG I MISS YOU SO MUCH MUELLS.
When Z didn’t have so much English. JUST LAUGH OK Z?
And Baby Teek for last.