1. Jim Balsillie ~ Charge: Crimes against hockey Sentence: Life without Parole
2. Ryan Getzlaf ~ Charge: Crosschecking Mueller twice in the head and making me yell You F-ing C—–ucker at the top of my lungs. And for killing kittens to fashion a toupee ~ Sentence: 15-20 years and to be haunted by kitty ghosts. Mean ones.
3. James Wisniewski ~ Charge: He assaulted and hurt Hockey Jesus (Doan) ~Sentence: Life without Parole plus booing for life
4. James Neal ~ Charge: Crimes against Czechs ~ He hurt Prucha. Then he had the nerve to swing back when Marty fought him. Sentence: Life without Parole and may he live in fear of Prucha fans getting to him on the inside.
5. Jared Boll ~ Charge: Crimes against Czechs ~ He hit Vrby after a goal. He hurt Marty when Marty fought him. Sentence: Life and herpes
6. Patrick Kaleta ~ Charge: Crimes Against Czechs ~ He nailed Prucha. He fought Marty. Sentence: Life and bad breath
7. The English Language ~ Charge: Keeping Geno and I apart. Sentence: You will be butchered by teenagers through texting and fade into nothingness.