Teenage Mutant Ninja Hertl — Can’t Even Be Mad @ Him

aj

*waves*

*waves*

Yep, I went to the game tonight, but let’s start off with the most important business of the year:

UMMMMMMMMMMM

UMMMMMMMMMMM

………………..THIS HAPPENED.  It didn’t happen for long because, let’s be honest, my twitter is a shitshow.  SCARIEST 90 SECONDS OF MY LIFE.  He came for the humor, he left because …… ANY NUMBER OF REASONS.

So, the Coyotes.  Recall Philip Samuelsson.  OK!!!!!  Waive Summers and Bmac.  FML.   Summers!!!!!!! Nooooooo!!!  He isn’t killing it, but I greatly enjoy him as a person and if we fucking suck this year, me liking them should count for at least 50%.  Fucking 51%.

Wait, they moved someone to IR?  Who…………..EFJKL  ;AJF  EFwj lskfl  l/ fALS BWE J2

DED

DED

Marty is ded.  So I see comments on twitter and on FB about people starting to bitch about how much Marty is hurt.  In his 7 full-year seasons with the Yotes he’s missed about 12 games a season.  In the past few years he has been hurt more often.  He also plays a fuck ton of minutes.  Hard minutes.  Minutes that would make your fucking scrotum crawl back into your bodies gentlemen.  PK is a bitch.  Power play in front of the net?  You wouldn’t last 3 seconds.  5 vs 5 against the top lines of the other team?  Joe Thornton.  Getzlaf.  This is the West, we bang.  They aren’t exactly small, weak men.  So basically, shut the fuck up, he gets owwies.

Czechs agree

Czechs agree

Lucas Lessio.  Man.  He got manhandled all night.  In the closing minute, he literally got held down by like four dudes and then Braun held him forever (I’m 49% sure he speared Braun, because that dude was in fucking PAIN when he went to the bench after).  LL was just noticed too  much for bad stuff.  Pass going off his skate, letting the puck out of the zone, poor passes.  He did have the speed to get back and defend in his own end, so I will give him that.  I just don’t see what he is bringing that Hodgeman didn’t.  I mean if we have officially given up and are evaluating talent, I get it.  But????

It is a bit like this

It is a bit like this

The game!  Heeeeeeeeeey first period goal via Boeds!!!!!  He’s on a bit of a hot streak.  We always complained that Vrby was a bit of a streaky player, but dude, Boeds seems more  lava and glacier than Vrbs.  Assist from OEL.  SCANDABABIANS FTW!!

The Second period turned into a bit of #HereComesTheCoyotes.  JoePa had a PPG and then Hertl scored.  BBQ CZECH!!  YOU CAN’T EVEN BE MAD CUZ:

WORKS OUT WITH OLD PEOPLE

WORKS OUT WITH OLD PEOPLE

IS SECRETLY PIKACHU

IS SECRETLY PIKACHU

ALSO IS GRU?

ALSO IS GRU?

See?  You just want him to have a goal, amirite?  Doan tied the game up anyways so, yay bbq Czech!!!!  (There is already a BB Czech, so…..)

But, the Coyotes are still the Coyotes and Dillion scored in the third.  The Sharks also had a goal disallowed because Dub knocked the net off before the shot (Britters called this THE OSGOOD).

So before we get to the positive stuff, I have two mini rants.

A dude IN A FAKE DOAN JERSEY sat on the glass behind the Sharks bench.  1.  Fake jerseys are an abomination and the hockey gods should smite those who bear the mark.  2.  If you can afford those seats, you can afford a real fucking jersey.  Or a real shersey.  Or a fucking hoodie that says Coyotes.  I really kinda wanna make a tumblr dedicated to fake jersey shaming.

Also:  This girl behind me didn’t know what icing was.  That’s ok, hey, maybe she is new.  Nope, she was talking about how the place is 90% Red Wings fans when she comes to games.  DOES NOT UNDERSTAND ICING.  ATTENDS LOTS OF RED WINGS GAMES………. *insert your own joke here*  (This isn’t all RW fans, but it sure seems to be a high ass % of them that attend Phx games)

SHE COULD BE GREAT FRIENDS WITH THE LADY IN FRONT OF ME YELLING SHIT AT GAG-NER.  Like gag. ner.  *sigh*

OMFG

OMFG

POSITIVES!!!!!!

Dubnyk started the game in goal so we had an actual chance at winning.  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Boeds continues to do offensive things (fear of McDavid???)

Oliver is a badass All-Star mofo!

Vrby is an All-Star!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Good for him, fuck my life.  ALL HE WANTED WAS A FUCKING NO MOVEMENT CLAUS……. breathe AJ, he’s gone to a better place.

Umm the Suns are fighting for a low playoff spot!

O HAI EUROPEAN

O HAI EUROPEAN

I MAKE DUNK

I MAKE DUNK

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Marty/points, Olli/down, Joe/preggo

EVERYTHING IS HAPPENINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

THERE WAS MARTY GOAL.  MARTY ASSISTS.  TOBI GOALS.  OMGGGGGGGGGG.

wait, why is Oliver on the…………….THIS IS NOT A MOTHERFUCKING DRILL, OLLI BEAR DOWN.  THERE WAS LEAPING AND CUSSING AND THREATENING AND THEN………….. JOE.

GLOB

Let’s start at the beginning.

I kind of slept through the first period.  It started out really slow.  Mike Smith was in goal so I was pretty busy girding my loins for a loss BECAUSE MIKE SMITH.  But Tobi got a goal!

Tobias is my German homeboy!  End of the first period, Yotes up 1-0!

And then Coyotes almost went full-Coyote.  Tyutin and Wisniewski scored.  Coyotes down 2-1.  Wait, Wisniewski?   REACHES BACK INTO LONG ASS MEMORY.  BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

DOAN FANS NEVER FORGET

DOAN FANS NEVER FORGET

Now that we have that bit of business out of the way, UGH COYOTES, Y U DO DIS?  Y U B SOOOOOOO BAD?!?!!?!?!?!?  I was starting to regret buying tick…….

OMG OLIVER GOAL FROM MARTY AND IM DED!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Europe for the win!!!!!!!  Next goal, Gagner (gag me) FROM MARTY AND OLIVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some day we'll find it The EUROPE connection The Oliver, the Marty, and me.

Some day we’ll find it
The EUROPE connection
The Oliver, the Marty, and me.

AND THEN ADD IN A MARTY GOAL.  MAR MARRRRRRRRRRRRR

THIS PICTURE WILL BE ON MY GRAVESTONE, THANKS @IKEASTAN!!!

THIS PICTURE WILL BE ON MY GRAVESTONE, THANKS @IKEASTAN!!!

IT WAS INSANE.  ALL THE PUCKS!  GOING IN THE NET!  VIA THE COYOTES PLAYERS!  IN THE OPPONENTS NET!  Things actually going right!?!?!?!??!?!?!!?

MOTHER F

MOTHER F

OLIVER.

DOWN.

Now, I was sitting in Row B.  Oliver goes down our corner.  I literally leap into the front row, standing on the seat, hands up against the glass, and thinking about going over the glass.

I feel that I handled it well.

omg gollum

crying brainFIGHT45FIGHT1

HOLD ME BACK

HOLD ME BACK

FUCK YOU SKILLE

FUCK YOU SKILLE

im doneSERIOUSLY.  THIS IS THE EVIDENCE OF HOW WELL I TOOK IT:

I did not break blood vessels in my hand beating the glass (Prucha incident)

I did not stand up and scream GETZLAF YOU F@#@% C**KS****ER (Mueller incident)

LOOK AT ALL MY PERSONAL GROWTH.

Back to the game:  OH MY CHRIST OLIVER IS DEAD.  He was down.  The trainer came out.  Olli did skate off on his own, but he went straight to the locker room and SKILLE CAN GO STRAIGHT TO HELL.  DO NOT PASS GO.  DO NOT COLLECT $200.  Fucker.

Olli came back at the start of the third period. Chipchura scored.  Gagner scored again.  Marty had another assist.  I COULDN’T EVEN CHEER, I WAS STILL SO PISSED.

ya freakin hoo.

ya freakin hoo.

Hawkeye is getting thrown out of the new Avengers movie and being replaced by JOE. MOTHERFUCKING. VITALE.

GUYS.  HE FOUGHT SKILLE.  TO AVENGE THE OLLI.

Vitale stood toe to toe with Skille and was all:

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

ME DURING THE FIGHT

ME DURING THE FIGHT

JOE.  SERIZ.  YOU AND ME.

JOE. SERIZ. YOU AND ME.

THE WHOLE CROWD WAS ALLL

THE WHOLE CROWD WAS ALL

gif17

I MAY HAVE ACCIDENTALLY IMPREGNATED THIS MAN.  THINGS WERE HAPPENING.

I MAY HAVE ACCIDENTALLY IMPREGNATED THIS MAN. THINGS WERE HAPPENING.

i cannot.  we don’t have like an “enforcer”.  it somewhat stresses me out.  olli chirps.  he is good.  he frustrates people much bigger than him.  thus far, he has chosen to play without the bubblewrap i really want him to use.  bad things are bound to happen.  BUT YOU KNOW WHO YOU CAN FUCKING COUNT ON?  THIS FUCKING GUY RIGHT HERE

THIS FUCKING SUPERHERO RIGHT HERE.

HUSBAND

BYE SKILLE

BYE SKILLE

Big Coyotes win.  Oliver seems to be alive.  Marty had 4 points.  Joe avenged the OEL.  MY HEART RUNNETH OVER.

AJ Awards:

Stud of the Game:  Marty.  Huge game.  Deserves all the cookies.

New Supreme Overlord of My Soul:  Joe.  In some cultures, we are now considered married.

All-the-time Doghouse:  Mike Smith.  He did ok.  He ‘improved to 6-15-2.  Oy.

Our D May Be Sketch So We Throw Ourselves In The Path:  Murphy had 4 blocks and Stone had 5.  Z must be rubbing off on them!!!!

Lauri was announced as the starting center but took zero faceoffs.  Uhhhhh ok?

This game made me actually WANT TO GO TO MORE GAMES!  Whaaaaaaaaat?

Slow healing  -- but this game starting our healing process Yotes.

Slow healing — but this game starting our healing process Yotes.

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Rollercoasters Make Me Hurl

OOOOOOOK, my battery is on 12%, I drove six hours today, it’s after midnight, and I’m way overly tired SO BUCKLE IN BITCHES, LET’S DO THIS THING.

We. Are. Bad.  Like out of control bad.  We had traction once upon a time and then whoooooooooooooooosh

NO BRAKES

JUST ALONG FOR THE RIDE

Super fucking bad

Super f-ing bad

We had no prolonged pressure tonight.  Hell, we couldn’t even get it through the neutral zone 90% of the time.  NO GOALS.  All the goals are in Vancouver.  Vrby is like the Goal Nazi.  NO GOAL FOR YOU!

flawsOMG quit being dramatic Coyotes, I know you work on stuff.  But some stuff you cannot fix without…….. oh what is the word………. offensive prowess.  You cannot have an entire forwards roster of grinders and corner-workers.  Did I just call them hookers?  ANYWAYS.

God Bless Doan, but when he is tied for the lead in goals for your team, you are in trouble.  That isn’t his jam.  Yes, he can do it.  But he is slightly elderly and isn’t exactly Jagr or Teemu in the shooting department.  Marty can score goals, but mainly on Mike Smith or when trying to show Vrby that he is an independent woman and doensn’t need Vrb, so that isn’t ultra helpful.  I would mention Korps, BUT I FUCKING LOVE HIM SO BACK AWAY SLOWLY AND NO ONE GETS HURT.

Life under the umbrella of protection is good

Life under the umbrella of protection is good

The Flames aren’t terrible.  In fact, the Flames are the new Coyotes of yesteryear.  Brad Treliving took all the good GMDM mojo and flew the coup.  If you had an above average goalie (O HAI HILLER) and some chemistry, you can blow things up.  I am totally sad face that Feaster won’t be trying to out-crazy Sather with trades and signings.  O THE GOLDEN AGE OF CRAZY ASS GMs.  Oh and throw Burke and his truculence in there.  I LOVE YOU BRIAN BURKE, DON’T EVER CHANGE.

fangurl5

So what now for the Yotes?

Well, not quite yet.

Well, not quite yet.

CALM DOWN AJ

CALM DOWN AJ

NO OLIVER, I WILL NOT CALM DOWN.  I WANT THOSE TWO HOURS OF MY LIFE BACK.  Not really, but there were these two drunk Flames fans in front of me and it was SO DAMN PAINFUL.  STOP REPRESENTING CANADA IN A SHITTY WAY, DRUNK FLAMES FANS.

AJ LOOK IN MY EYES, YOU ARE CALMING DOWN

AJ LOOK IN MY EYES, YOU ARE CALMING DOWN

......

……

......

…..

Alright, so let’s try to figure out some positives…….  OOOOOOOOO, SHINNIMAN’S DEBUT GAME!!!!

READY TO HIGH STICK E'RYONE

READY TO HIGH STICK E’RYONE

You could tell Brendan was nervous and it was an adjustment to the NHL speed.  I was hoping that he would carry on the tradition of scoring in his first game like Tobias and Justin, but hey, nobody else scored either so what can you really expect?  He didn’t get grocery stick’d and had more TOI than the fourth line.  75% faceoff win percentage and no stupid penalties.  LET’S COUNT THIS AS A WIN.

SOMETHING GOOD

SOMETHING GOOD

Also, I see you and that 80% faceoff win percentage, Martin Hanzal.  After what had to be a rough, rough, rough couple days after his game-winning goal in the last game, Marty was alright tonight.  I think he had his head held high, but I can’t really see without getting a freaking crick in my neck.

In other good news, it’s the end of November so those pornstar ‘staches can go.  DO YOU HEAR ME OEL?  THE SHAVING CAN HAPPEN.

Heh, maybe I'll keep it.  BULLSHIT OLLI, UR SHAVING IT.

Heh, maybe I’ll keep it. BULLSHIT OLLI, UR SHAVING IT.

YOU TOO WYATT EARP

YOU TOO WYATT EARP

YOU TOO, PERSON WHO CAN'T REALLY GROW STUFF

YOU TOO, PERSON WHO CAN’T REALLY GROW STUFF

Uhh, you can keep it ;)

Uhh, you can keep it 😉

O HAI.

O HAI.

We hit Edmonton and Calgary early this week and I swear to God, if we can’t beat the Oilers……… tune into the blog for more fun updates about the YOTES ROLLERCOASTER

IMMA TOSS MY COOKIES

IMMA TOSS MY COOKIES

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OEL Bobbleface FTW

Full disclosure:  I love John Tavares to the fullest extent that I allow myself to love any Canadian.  So…. less than all Czechs, Victor Tikhonov, Swedes, Finns, Danes, Germans, Swiss, anyone that plays for Team USA, and Geno.  But more than any other Canadian, minus Doan.  BUT STILL.

CAN'T AMERICA LIKE ADOPT HIM BECUZ REASONS.

CAN’T AMERICA LIKE ADOPT HIM BECUZ REASONS.

So back to the game.  I haven’t been blogging lately because 1.  work has been busy as hell 2.  I fell asleep during the game last night  3.  I feel like I’m not doing anything other than serious bitching about the team and I hate that.  I wouldn’t want to read that.

So.

Imma be positive.  I hope.

TRUTH

TRUTH

WE DID NOT LOSE THE GAME BY MULTIPLE GOALS!!!!!!!!!  The game against the Ducks started off last night in typical, terrifying fashion.  But the guys were able to get their lives together and tie it up before Boeds and Gagner scored in the shootout. Gagner has been quiet, what the hell has he been up to?

LESS STALKING, MOAR GOALZ

LESS STALKING, MOAR GOALZ

Tonight, the goals dried up, but holding a good Islanders team to 1 goal isn’t wretched.  In related news, HOLY CRAP, THE ISLANDERS ARE 5TH IN THE EAST?!?!?!?!?

Another positive:  The team kept studmeister John Tavares from doing damage.  It seemed like Oliver was matched up against that line and did well.  There were a few times that JT91 put the moves on people not named Oliver, but what can you do?  He is a scoring fiend.

AND HE FIGHTS CANCER

AND HE FIGHTS CANCER

Mike Smith was alright.  The goal the Isles scored wasn’t unstoppable, but Smith kept the Yotes in the game all night.  The Isles did get a ridiculous breakaway on the PK and Clutterbuck was ALL ALONE coming in on Smith and everyone was all

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

But luckily it was Clutterbuck and not someone handsy and the breakaway pretty much ended like this:

.......no

…….no

The Yotes had five power plays to try to get one in the net to no avail.  So that wasn’t super. The PK was ok.  Rough night for Marty and Gagner in the faceoff circle.  Matt Martin was hitting the shit out of Murphy all night.  Hard.  Bad.  No bueno.  Poor kid.

Just a kinda all around MEH game.  But it could have been worse!

First star of the game:

ALL THIS BEAUTIFUL HAIR

ALL THIS BEAUTIFUL HAIR

Olli tied Yandle, each having 4 shots on goal to lead the team.  Plus, it was his bobblehead night!  His bobblehead gets to have a little Hockey Fights Cancer patch!!!

SERIOUSLY FORWARDS, SHOOT THE PUCK.  You know who shot the puck?  Vrby.  VRBYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Second Star of the Night

ALL THE DANES

ALL THE DANES

With there being only a handful of Danes in the NHL, it was cool to see the Great Dane (Frans Nielsen) and Baby Dane (Boeds) playing against each other.  Frans had the only goal of the game, making Denmark the second star of the game.

OMG DO YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS FROM THE LAND OF THE DANES?!?!?!!? MY FAVORITE DANE:

Gratuitous Mads Pic

Gratuitous Mads Pic

Third star of the game:

uhhhhh, just cuz I was excited to see him play again

uhhhhh, just cuz I was excited to see him play again

Times are hard!

Never fear, there will come a day when happy times will be here again.  There will be goals.  And defense.  And a goa…… JK, we’ve always had that issue, it’s like in our DNA.

REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES OF JUMPING INTO MARTY'S ARMS

BOEDS WILL ONCE AGAIN JUMP INTO MAR’S ARMS

Uhhh, also this happened

Uhhh, also this will happen

Amen.

Amen.

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Do You Want The Bad News First Or The Other Bad News?

THE PAIN.  THE LEGIT PAIN.  We get behind.  It’s our thing.  We score to make it a one goal game…….the Lightning score soon after.  And then it just keeps going.  Turns out you don’t win many games when you give up SEVEN goals and you let a dude named Nikita get a hat trick.

But like Russian.  And like a dude.

But like Russian. And like a dude.

Everything is fine.  No biggie.  Things will equalize.  Games will be won.  Keep calm.

JK FACE MELT TIME

JK FACE MELT TIME

CLOSE YOUR EYES!!!  DON’T LOOK!  IF YOU DON’T LOOK, IT CAN’T HURT YOU.  ALSO TRY HOLDING YOUR BREATH UNTIL YOU PASS OUT.  All of these are excellent strategies to use when observing Coyote hockey as of late.

Some of it was defensive lapses.  Some of it was Mike Smith being Mike Smith.  Maintaining momentum seems to be impossible for this team.  Things start going ok and then BOOM, goal given up.  Or stupid penalty.  Or being caught in their own end for multiple shifts.

I know you can’t get blood from a rock and the ‘Yotes roster isn’t comparable to many  in the Western Conference, but Jiminy Christmas they are strugglebugs this year.

What do we need to fix the ‘Yotes?

Or like defense.  Or scoring.  Vrby update, anyone?  Radim has 5 goals and 5 assists in 10 games.  At this point, I’m just excited for him and want to see how many goals he gets this year.  Vrb was a streaky scorer, but maybe that was just due to his linemates also being inconsistent.  Just how great will the Sedins be for his game?!!?!?

IT'S FINE.  IT WILL ALL BE FINE.  NO PROBLEMS.

IT’S FINE. IT WILL ALL BE FINE. NO PROBLEMS.

What is this fuckery?

What is this fuckery?

Ok, let’s try something new:

Positives (and I’m really stretching here):

–  Marty is back!  MAR MAR!!!!

–  The Czech who shall not be named scored again and seems to be having a better season than last year

–  No one has been bitten by random ticks and developed a weird disease

OMG I TRIED OK

OMG I TRIED OK

In related bad Coyote news, I worry about the attendance and money.  My workplace (which shall remain nameless) got a deal to have tickets to the Oilers game for $5 (any seat available, including Row B, up to 12 tickets per person). I thought it was a nice, fluke deal because the wife of one of the Coyote employees works at my job.  But now, just a few games later, we have the choice of any seat available for $15 for the Islanders game, up to 8 seats.  Hey, it’s great for me.  Also, the Leafs game has 2 for 1 lower level seats?!?!?!!? This whole deal smacks of 2010 when STH got lots of free tickets to get butts in the seats.  It makes me nervous and it probably should make you nervous too.  DOESN’T THAT MAKE EVERYONE FEEL SUPER HAPPY?!!?!?!  Oy.

SORRY

SORRY

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Olli-Bear Gives ‘Em The Carebear Stare

Yotes vs. Panthers.  They had attach a free post-game concert to get people in the seats, and it didn’t even look too full with that enticement.  Florida is like the Bermuda Triangle for players, they go there and when we play them I say, O WILLIE MITCHELL, THERE YOU BE.

Yandle had his first really egregious turnover that left me going:

ZOMG GET BACK

ZOMG GET BACK

Granted, he did haul ass to get back and Kopecky didn’t score on the breakaway.  But man! With Yandle leading the team in points, you gotta take the bad with the good, especially on this offensively strapped team.

Hodgman got called up!

chosen

Who knew GMDM was the Claw?

Justin Hodgman:  1 game, 1 goal

Sam Ganger:  7 games, 1 point, -5

BJ Crombeen:  5 games, 0 points, -2

Yes, they don’t all play the same type of game and expectations are different, but on this team, scoring by committee is the rule and these two dingos are making a lot more money than Hodgman for less production.  In fact, Crombeen is like goal kryptonite!  He had a hand in the disallowed goal in MN and he deflected the no-goal tonight with a high stick.  Not helping, and LITERALLY HURTING outcomes.

Hodgman tied the game and it was sent into OT.  Who is the overtime specialist?  OLLI-BEAR.  He needs some good mojo and he seems to have taken on the role of closer.

Olli, Florida thought they were gonna win......

Olli, Florida thought they were gonna win……

This is how Olli-Bear scores.  Hard to track all those simultaneous shots!

This is how Olli-Bear scores. Hard to track all those simultaneous shots!

Oliver was first star, very deserved!  Mike Smith as second star was bullshit, the game wouldn’t have even gone to overtime without Hodgman’s goal.  He should have been second star for sure.

The games lately have been hard to watch.  It is just frustrating at the group that the Yotes have been putting on the ice when so many other teams in the Pacific have gotten better and are playing out of their minds.  Vrbata has 4 goals and 4 assists in 7 games.  Yes, the Yotes don’t have the ability to field a line like the Sedins for Vrb, but at least he was a WEAPON.  Good at PK, an actual shooter, and shootout specialist.

How long am I gonna be beating that dead horse?  DUDES, I AM STILL NOT OVER TEEK AND PRUCHA.

Slow healing

Slow healing

Hopefully, we can get our lives together a little bit, but it’s going to be a rough year no matter what.  Sharks, Ducks, Hawks, Kings, and Preds are likely playoff locks. Dallas and Vancouver have been playing like gangbusters.  MN is going to be tough all year.  St. Louis will get their lives sorted out.  There aren’t many playoff spots up for grabs and the teams that are in the mix have more talent than AZ.  How do you fight Zach Parise?

FLAWLESS

FLAWLESS (pic from the United States of Hockey)

Ugh, sorry I’m such a Debbie Downer, but it’s too early in the season for it to feel like work to watch the Yotes, but it does.  BRING BACK THE FUN.  BRING BACK THE MARTY.

marty1

marmarmar

HEAL MAR MAR

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Yandle 2pts, Yotes 1pt

James Neal.  Coyote D, you had one job.  ONE JOB.  AVENGE THE PRUCHA.  DO NOT ALLOW THE TWATHEAD TO SCORE.  Of course, the defense was all

coyotes defense

THREE DUDES ON ONE GUY, SURELY NO ONE IS OPEN IS OUR MANTRA

So yeah, James Neal, my arch-nemesis, the bane of my hockey existence, man I once threatened to fight in the parking lot, scored.  Of course he did.

SCRATCH MY OWN EYES OUT SO I DON'T HAVE TO WITNESS

SCRATCH MY OWN EYES OUT SO I DON’T HAVE TO WITNESS

AJ FLYING KICK

AJ FLYING KICK

shank

Yes, it’s been years, but my rage memory is long.  In related news, GODDAMNIT RIBIERO.  YOU score?  Where the hell was that last year?  We paid you 10K to play the game tonight and Nashville paid you 5K and you score on US?  Ungrateful.

In non-shanking news, IT WAS YANDLE’S 500TH GAME!!!!!!  He has, thus far, survived all the Yandle trade demanders.  SUCK IT HATERS.  And a very hearty F-U to all the Coyote “fans” who have booed Yands in his own arena.  You know who you all are.

To celebrate your awesomeness Yands, Imma get a Yandle mask for Howl-o-ween.

OMG THIS IS TERRIFYING

OMG THIS IS TERRIFYING

To celebrate his 500th game, Yandleface got a goal!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  He also had an assist on the goal from the Czech who shall not be named.  GOOD JOB YANDS!!!!

Klink also dropped the hammer.  Good job Klink!  Hopefully you can keep it up because the goals, they be not plentiful.

The game went into overtime.  The Yotes had a good opportunity to play 4 on 3 to start OT when karma dealt James Neal a penalty for existing.  Doan, Antoine, Olli, and Yands were out there for the whole power play and it almost bit us in the ass.  When Neal came out of the box, he ended up with the puck and Olli barely was able to knock the puck away and stave off a goal that would have been the end of me.

Seriously.

Seriously.

SHOOTOUT!  OMG OMG OMG PUT IN VRBATA.  Wait.

Radim Vrbata, where are youuuuuuuuuu?

Radim Vrbata, where are youuuuuuuuuu?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo

Need Vrby

Need Vrby

This.

This.

No Vrby.  Boeds, someone, Antoine, Czech who shall not be named.

Someone?  That’s how not memorable it was, I literally forgot that Gagner shot.  Antoine was the only one to score.

It should be noted that Dubnyk got the start tonight instead of Smith.  Tippett said something along the lines of ‘we need someone who consistently makes big saves’.  OOOOOOOOO BURN.  Obviously, he read my last blog entry and is willing to start examining the goalie options.  HEADS UP BB GOALIE!

The points are still not good.  5 points in 5 games.  You can totally tell that most of the other teams in the division and conference got better.  Some, significantly better. The Coyotes sure as hell did not get better and it will be a struggle all year.  You can’t get blood from a rock.  You can run a system and get some wins, but is that what is going to fill the arena?  How long until the Be A Goner to Get Connor (McDavid) (OMG TOTALLY TRADEMARKING THAT) campaign starts?  But then #1 picks don’t necessarily work out, AMIRITE EDMONTON?

CONNORRRRRRRRRR

CONNORRRRRRRRRR

Finally:  Proof that the Marty/Vrb bond still exists:

Edmonton Olers v Vancouver Canucks

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The Yotes Are On Fire

I was on the fence about going to the game tonight.  I really wanted to see Paul Stastny.  I was still riding the good hockey vibes from the last game.  Tickets were cheap.  But, in the end, I didn’t go and HOLY BALLS WAS THAT THE BEST DECISION I’VE MADE, LIKE, EVER.

There aren’t really words for the game, so here ya go:

Tire fire is putting it mildly.

TIRE FIRE — putting it mildly.

At some point during the game I switched from wanting a Coyote comeback to wanting to see how horrific it could get.  It ended up being above a giant zit right before prom and just under a puppy being run over in the street.

The one kind of good-ish thing was Lauri scored!  See, I didn’t even use capslock, that’s how bad the game was.  Hold on, let me work on this.

LAURI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AJ, that felt pathetic and forced and I'd rather you didn't.

AJ, that felt pathetic and forced and I’d rather you didn’t.  I am disappoint.

I’M SORRY.  THAT GAME WAS SO………………UGH.

We don’t really have any offense to talk about.  The defense leaves me speechless in an atrocity-type of way.  LET’S START IN GOAL, SHALL WE?  What ARE our goalie options?

Mike Smith – “Starter”  15 goals allowed in 3 games.  $5.7 Million

I keep this mask on so you no know who I be

I keep this mask on so you no know who I be

Not all of the goals are the fault of Mike Smith.  That is obvious and logical.  WELL LOGICAL IS NOT HOW WE OPERATE ON THIS BLOG.  BURN THE EFFIGY.  Some of the goals have been SOFT.  No bueno.  When you are the highest paid player on the team and you have a long ass contract, you better be the best player on the ice, not every night, but consistently.  “We just need him to be average to above average”.  So the highest paid player just has to be average when OEL is consistently great?  I see that lack of logic is not confined to just this blog.  But it’s ok, we have a backup.

TOO 'SPENSIVE.  NEED MOAR GOALZ

TOO ‘SPENSIVE. NEED MOAR GOALZ

Devan Dubnyk – “Backup” – 800K (last year he made 3.7 Million)

Self-waterboarding

Self-waterboarding

When your #1 goalie is coming off a so-so year that ended in significant injury, you make sure you have a solid backup goalie.  When I think of solid goaltending, the first thing I think of is the Edmonton Oilers.  AND THEN I LAUGH HYSTERICALLY BECAUSE ZOMG OILERS.  BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I don’t hate Dubnyk and he is a deal at that price, but what is the price of winning?  It’s ok, we haz prospects.

Louis Domingue – “BB Goalie”  “Best Goalie In The World” — Priceless

MAJESTIC MOFO

MAJESTIC MOFO

JUST LOOK.  Full disclosure:  LITERALLY the first words I ever said to this kid were “I love you, you are the best goalie”.  That being said, I am totally impartial when evaluating hockey potential.

Ok maybe not

Ok maybe not

I’m not completely delusional.  BB Goalie is going to be hard fought for games in the AHL against McKenna and Visentin, let alone trying to vie for a cup of coffee with the big team.  BUT I CAN DREAM OK?  I would legit go back to being a season ticket holder if this occurred.

Ilya Bryzgalov – Free Agent –  Prolly $5 cuz he’s still making mad Flyer cash

How big is your five hole Bryz?

How big is your five hole Bryz?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH can you even imagine?  CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE?  Bryz is a hot mess.  The Coyotes are a hot mess.  HOW BIG CAN THIS TIRE FIRE GET?

Chris “CK” Kase – “Youngblood”  — Price pending negotiations with his agent, which is me

CK FOR GOALIE -2014

CK FOR GOALIE -2014

1.  Ignore the uniform, he isn’t Russian.  Unless you are looking for a Russian goalie, in which case, THAT BOY IS FROM THE RUSSIAS.

2.  He would be the Rudy of the NHL.  Want behind the scenes footage?  TRAINING MONTAGES.  He can even fight Varlamov, the woman beater, because chivalry:  he haz it.

3.  As his agent, I would get money and maybe could upgrade this crappy blog.  WE ALL WIN.

************************************************************************************

I didn’t want to address this, but since he hasn’t magically healed, I guess we better.  There was an accident.  Marty.

Since drawing arrows towards ACTUAL Marty's junk makes me feel weird, the role of Marty will be played by Godzilla, Marty's stunt double.

Since drawing arrows towards ACTUAL Marty’s junk makes me feel weird, the role of Marty will be played by Godzilla, Marty’s stunt double.

MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTY DOWN!  Not a drill!!!!!  He couldn’t get up and needed help off the ice and back to the lockerroom.

MAAAARTY!!!!! LET ME GO, HE NEEDS MEEEEEEEEE

MAAAARTY!!!!! LET ME GO, HE NEEDS MEEEEEEEEE

And then Z goes down and is in pain and had actual tears on the bench and I was all:

Marty owwies.  Z owwies.  ALL THE CZECHS ARE DED.

Marty owwies. Z owwies. ALL THE CZECHS ARE DED.

Don’t think you are off the hook, offense and defense.  You will soon get reviewed.  Here is a sneak peek:

COYOTES DEFENSE

COYOTES DEFENSE

Coyotes offense - minus Boedker

COYOTES OFFENSE (minus Boedker)

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MMB Hat Charity

What is the MMB Hat Charity you may ask. ….

Write it down, it's gonna be a thing.

Write it down, it’s gonna be a thing.

BABY DANE.  ALL THE GOALS.  ALL THE DANISH GOALS. ALL THE HATS FOR THE DANISH GOALS!!!!!!!!

The speed.  The actual shooting instead of passing.  The success instead of potential.  MIKKEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Dude, OEL and I have been Mikkel fans since before it was cool to be Mikkel fans.

Hipster Mikkel Fans

Hipster Mikkel Fans

Boeds had two goals going into the third.  The freaking Oilers pulled their goalie with about 18 minutes left in the period.  Ok, like three minutes, but that is FREAKING CRAZY EARLY!!!!  I mean it wasn’t like Scrivens was really stopping much anyways, but pulling the goalie that early?  EAKINS IS CRAY CRAY.

YAY EMPTY NET.  Wait, we can't score

YAY EMPTY NET. Wait, we can’t score

It looked like the Yotes were gonna go the whole freaking three minutes with no empty net goal (and be ultra embarrassed) when it happened.  Mikkel got the puck and had an empty net and the entire arena was all :

DO IT BABY DANE

DO IT BABY DANE

I was so freaking excited to witness his hat trick and just see how in the mother freaking zone Mikkel is.  I cried legit tears when Doan got his hat trick.  I was so happy for Baby Dane that I welled up a little bit.  IT WAS DUSTY IN THERE OK?

Contract Year Baby

OMG AJ that is a lot of hearts and dollar signs.  PRESSURE.

Mikkel was obviously the first star of the game.  With 5 goals just three games into the season, I have the feeling that Baby Dane will be a perma-star.  Can we do that?  Like, Mikkel is perma-#1 and you other biotches better be fighting for #2?  I KNOW, LET’S NOT GET CARRIED AWAY, OEL IS STILL THE MOST BESTEST.

 

Come on OEL, it's time for the 3 stars of the game....

Come on OEL, it’s time for the 3 stars of the game….

Halfway through the year, this will be Boeds' 3-star entrance

Halfway through the year, this will be Boeds’ 3-star entrance

There were non-wonderful parts of the game.  I still want to hot-glue Mike Smith into the net about 75% of the time.  There were ugly defensive moments that led directly to goals.  Thank God for the Oiler defense or we would have been screwed.  I didn’t particularly love the third or fourth lines.  In related news, the Oilers put four goals on us WITHOUT NUGENT-HOPKINS.  NO BUENO.  VERY NO BUENO.

But hey, Chipchura had a goal!  So did Klink.  So did Murph!  So did the Czech that I don’t love and therefore will never be mentioned because he doesn’t deserve to share monikers with the most wonderful hockey player ever.

Good Job Chip!

You go, boys!

The hard part of the game?  Boyd.  BOYD!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  MY HEART!!!!!  Boyd, come home.  Your parentals dwell in Goodyear, why must you run away from home like this!  You are wonderful and good and this is what I have to say to those who let you get away (mainly Mike Smith’s fat ass pockets, which I blame for the loss of Boyd, Vrby, the national deficit, and the spread of ebola):

24/7

24/7/52

It felt good to be back at hockey and especially since there were actual goals being scored.  Who is gonna volunteer to keep up this offense explosion?

I knew I could count on you Baby Dane!!!!

I knew I could count on you Baby Dane!!!!

Also, if Mikkel has a killer year (which he will because it is a contract year and hockey karma hates the Coyotes), I will have great excuses to insert gratuitous Mads pics.  Please hockey Gods, make it so.

HEEEEEEEEY MADS

HEEEEEEEEY MADS

gif10

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Lockout, A Torturing Troll, and A Crapload of GIFs.

The lockout.  The motherfucking lockout.  It’s like having a wound that won’t heal because you’re tied down, helpless, while a little troll continually stabs you in your intestines while keeping you awake 24/7 screaming HOCKEY RELATED REVENUE, CONTRACT INCOME VARIANCE, AND PENSIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNS.  Your friends can’t help you because they, too, are tied down with trolls of their own.  Meanwhile, some of your favorite players are tweeting you pictures of vacations in tropical places.  Them = vaca.  You = troll stabbing.  What. the. fuck.

fangurl5 blam spew lightning GIF22 gif21 gif14 flip lid

But then, one day, when you least expect it………..

It’s like any other day.  OOOOOH THE DEADLINE IS COMING.  THEY ARE CLOSE.  Fuck.  Tell me something I haven’t heard since like NOVEMBER 3RD.  They work late into the night.  YEAH WELL SO DOES MY STABBING TROLL, OK?

But then. It. Happens.

THE STABBY TROLL STARTS TO CHOKE AND COUGH.  Your first thought is OMG FUCKING GROSS TROLL HAIRBALL.  But the choking doesn’t stop and the hairball never appears. DING DONG THE TROLL IS DEAD.  Could this mean…………?

HOCKEY IS BACK?

(For the purposes of the next section, the role of me will be played by a little boy and Will Smith).

HOCKEY'S BACK?

HOCKEY’S BACK?

 

I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN'T EVENNNNNNNNNNNNNN

I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN’T EVENNNNNNNNNNNNNN

fangurl7

O YES, O YES, THE HOCKEYYYYYYYY

MAKE ME SHAKE MY AAAAAASS

MAKE ME SHAKE MY AAAAAASS

GUYS.  DOESN’T JUST SAVE US.  Some of the players were hurting.  They were stuck and thought they needed to find new careers.

fangurl8

 

NO MARTY.  DON'T DO IT!  THERE IS HOCKEY!  YOU CAN GO BACK TO SHUTTING DOWN JOE THORNTON.  MARTY FOR THE LOVE OF HOWE, PUT A FUCKING SHIRT ON AND GET ON A PLANE.  SERIOUSLY, THEY WON'T LET YOU ON THE PLANE WITHOUT A SHIRT.

NO MARTY. DON’T DO IT! THERE IS HOCKEY! YOU CAN GO BACK TO SHUTTING DOWN JOE THORNTON. MARTY FOR THE LOVE OF HOWE, PUT A FUCKING SHIRT ON AND GET ON A PLANE. SERIOUSLY, THEY WON’T LET YOU ON THE PLANE WITHOUT A SHIRT.

AND YOU, BLOG READER, HAVE SOME DECENCY AND ADVERT YOUR EYES.  HE WAS IN A VULNERABLE POSITION AND THERE YOU ARE, ALL LOOKING.  I SAY ADVERT YOUR EYES!

AND THOSE OF YOUR WHO ARE ALL

gif13

 

I WILL FIND YOU.

Ok, Back to the excite.

Guys, HOCKEY!

gif19 gif9 gif7 holy1 z1 fangurl1 fangurl fangurl2

So first things first:

1) I NEED THE NEW SCHEDULE.  LIKE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

2) I need to buy a new personal schedule because my calendar has all these fake games written in it.  Haha, remember when we got to see Eastern Conference Teams?  I HATE YOU NHL.  I see these Western Conference jackwagons all the time.  I WANT TO SEE GENO.  MAKE IT HAPPEN.

3) Guys, who the hell is even on our team?  WHO IS GONNA BE THE 7TH DMAN?  OMG I BET IT’S RUNDBLAD CUZ HE’S BEEN RIPPING IT UP IN PORTLAND (more about this in a post later this week)

4) We still have Raffi Torres.  😐

Yay Raffi.  :|

Yay Raffi. 😐

5)  GUESS WHO IS ON A PLANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4qpgo

6) Replace “School” with “The Job” and “long holiday” with “lockout” and this is totally how I feel:

fangurl47)  GUYS, WE ARE BACK!  WE’RE BACK!  THERE’S GONNA BE A BANNER AT THE JOB!  WE’RE BACK!  IT EVEN MAKES SHANE DOAN SAY BAD WORDS!

POTTY MOUTH DOAN

8) Marty

5449530884_a93c9db454_b (1) 24d0uhd_94068089 gif3 gif gif16

 

SEE YOU SOON, THE BLOG IS BACK (AT LEAST FOR NOW!)  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY HOCKEY!

gif10 gif1 gif5

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