The Yotes Are On Fire

I was on the fence about going to the game tonight.  I really wanted to see Paul Stastny.  I was still riding the good hockey vibes from the last game.  Tickets were cheap.  But, in the end, I didn’t go and HOLY BALLS WAS THAT THE BEST DECISION I’VE MADE, LIKE, EVER.

There aren’t really words for the game, so here ya go:

Tire fire is putting it mildly.

TIRE FIRE — putting it mildly.

At some point during the game I switched from wanting a Coyote comeback to wanting to see how horrific it could get.  It ended up being above a giant zit right before prom and just under a puppy being run over in the street.

The one kind of good-ish thing was Lauri scored!  See, I didn’t even use capslock, that’s how bad the game was.  Hold on, let me work on this.

LAURI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AJ, that felt pathetic and forced and I'd rather you didn't.

AJ, that felt pathetic and forced and I’d rather you didn’t.  I am disappoint.

I’M SORRY.  THAT GAME WAS SO………………UGH.

We don’t really have any offense to talk about.  The defense leaves me speechless in an atrocity-type of way.  LET’S START IN GOAL, SHALL WE?  What ARE our goalie options?

Mike Smith – “Starter”  15 goals allowed in 3 games.  $5.7 Million

I keep this mask on so you no know who I be

I keep this mask on so you no know who I be

Not all of the goals are the fault of Mike Smith.  That is obvious and logical.  WELL LOGICAL IS NOT HOW WE OPERATE ON THIS BLOG.  BURN THE EFFIGY.  Some of the goals have been SOFT.  No bueno.  When you are the highest paid player on the team and you have a long ass contract, you better be the best player on the ice, not every night, but consistently.  “We just need him to be average to above average”.  So the highest paid player just has to be average when OEL is consistently great?  I see that lack of logic is not confined to just this blog.  But it’s ok, we have a backup.

TOO 'SPENSIVE.  NEED MOAR GOALZ

TOO ‘SPENSIVE. NEED MOAR GOALZ

Devan Dubnyk – “Backup” – 800K (last year he made 3.7 Million)

Self-waterboarding

Self-waterboarding

When your #1 goalie is coming off a so-so year that ended in significant injury, you make sure you have a solid backup goalie.  When I think of solid goaltending, the first thing I think of is the Edmonton Oilers.  AND THEN I LAUGH HYSTERICALLY BECAUSE ZOMG OILERS.  BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I don’t hate Dubnyk and he is a deal at that price, but what is the price of winning?  It’s ok, we haz prospects.

Louis Domingue – “BB Goalie”  “Best Goalie In The World” — Priceless

MAJESTIC MOFO

MAJESTIC MOFO

JUST LOOK.  Full disclosure:  LITERALLY the first words I ever said to this kid were “I love you, you are the best goalie”.  That being said, I am totally impartial when evaluating hockey potential.

Ok maybe not

Ok maybe not

I’m not completely delusional.  BB Goalie is going to be hard fought for games in the AHL against McKenna and Visentin, let alone trying to vie for a cup of coffee with the big team.  BUT I CAN DREAM OK?  I would legit go back to being a season ticket holder if this occurred.

Ilya Bryzgalov – Free Agent –  Prolly $5 cuz he’s still making mad Flyer cash

How big is your five hole Bryz?

How big is your five hole Bryz?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH can you even imagine?  CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE?  Bryz is a hot mess.  The Coyotes are a hot mess.  HOW BIG CAN THIS TIRE FIRE GET?

Chris “CK” Kase – “Youngblood”  — Price pending negotiations with his agent, which is me

CK FOR GOALIE -2014

CK FOR GOALIE -2014

1.  Ignore the uniform, he isn’t Russian.  Unless you are looking for a Russian goalie, in which case, THAT BOY IS FROM THE RUSSIAS.

2.  He would be the Rudy of the NHL.  Want behind the scenes footage?  TRAINING MONTAGES.  He can even fight Varlamov, the woman beater, because chivalry:  he haz it.

3.  As his agent, I would get money and maybe could upgrade this crappy blog.  WE ALL WIN.

************************************************************************************

I didn’t want to address this, but since he hasn’t magically healed, I guess we better.  There was an accident.  Marty.

Since drawing arrows towards ACTUAL Marty's junk makes me feel weird, the role of Marty will be played by Godzilla, Marty's stunt double.

Since drawing arrows towards ACTUAL Marty’s junk makes me feel weird, the role of Marty will be played by Godzilla, Marty’s stunt double.

MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTY DOWN!  Not a drill!!!!!  He couldn’t get up and needed help off the ice and back to the lockerroom.

MAAAARTY!!!!! LET ME GO, HE NEEDS MEEEEEEEEE

MAAAARTY!!!!! LET ME GO, HE NEEDS MEEEEEEEEE

And then Z goes down and is in pain and had actual tears on the bench and I was all:

Marty owwies.  Z owwies.  ALL THE CZECHS ARE DED.

Marty owwies. Z owwies. ALL THE CZECHS ARE DED.

Don’t think you are off the hook, offense and defense.  You will soon get reviewed.  Here is a sneak peek:

COYOTES DEFENSE

COYOTES DEFENSE

Coyotes offense - minus Boedker

COYOTES OFFENSE (minus Boedker)

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