RFAs, UFAs, and Doan Forsake Us Shane

The new cap numbers (that mean nothing) look like this:  All teams must spend at least 54.2 million and no more than 70.2 million.  These numbers are nothing more than an extremely loose guide as the new CBA will change these numbers.  But just for LOL-sake, let’s look at what this means.

Last season, our total cap hit was 54.2 million.  WE’RE GOOD!  Except we are gonna look quite different this coming season.  CRAP!  There were 7 teams below us last year in spending (Blues, Preds, Jets, Sens, Canes, Stars, Avs, and Isles).  Looking salary already locked in for next year, only two teams are below us in the race for the floor (Avs 34.9 million and Preds 37.9 million), as we have 38.8 million allocated already for next season.

OH MY FREAKING GOD YOU GUYS, I HAVE A BRILLIANT IDEA HOW WE CAN GET TO THE FLOOR AND UR GONNA LOVE IT

GIVE ZACHARY JUSTIN ALL THE MONIES. ALLLLLLLLLLL THE MONIESSSSSSSSS

Sorry, I had bath salts there for a second.  While signing Parise would be a FREAKING BOON, it won’t happen for us.  Let’s look at where we are, pre-July 1, with our situation.

GB. Stands for Gone Brule

Unless Gilbert pulls a Stempniak and returns to us for a discount after trying the free agent market, he is gone.  With his qualifying offer having to be a bit over 2 million, he was too rich for our blood.  The contract number isn’t surprising considering he was taken sixth overall in 2005, but he should be putting up numbers to earn that salary by now.  Blame the Blue Jackets for dicking him over in the development department.

Speaking of dicking over in the development department……..

WHAT HAVE WE DONE

One of the many reasons I want to shank The Great One in the face is Viktor Tikhonov.  We sent him a qualifying offer to retain his rights.  WHY?  WHY ARE WE KEEPING HIM FROM BEING ABLE TO BE UFA?  No one, NO ONE loves Teek more than me and he deserves to be at least able to see if ANY NHL team would put him on a roster this season. Honestly, with as well as he’s been doing in the KHL with SKA (along with Prucha), I don’t know if he’ll come back for training camp.  I’M SO SORRY WE SCREWED YOU TEEK.

Glad we qualified him, love him.

We also sent a qualifying offer to Summers.  I really like him, but it’s gonna be extremely crowded on D.  If it comes down to him or Schlem, I hope we deal Schlem.  I mean, come on, I’ve sang the Michigan fight song to this man, that’s investment!

I GOT A JOB YO

Chipchura got qualified because he is the equivalent of a steak knife.  You use a steak knife for it’s ACTUAL purpose, but also to open boxes and stab intruders.  Need something done?  Chipchura can prolly do it.  UTILITY.

We also qualified Miele and MacLean.  Tough battle for them to make the team in the Fall. With MacLean, at this point, if he was gonna make it, you’d think he would have made it by now.  When Miele was up last year, he didn’t play ‘big’ enough and got killed on faceoffs.  But at least he would shoot the puck.

We elected not to qualify Brock Trotter, Colin Long, and Nick Ross.  Brock was very “meh” last season.  Colin has had injury issues and had a concussion last season.  He already has a contract with a team in Europe next season.  And Nick Ross?

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

The first round of the 2007 draft was the worst EVER of Coyotes hockey.  EVER.  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER.  FUCKING EVER.

Kyle Turris 3rd overall and Nick Ross 30th overall. Granted, that wasn’t a deep draft at all, but still………… HEAD DESK FOREVERRRRRRRRRRR.

DOAN DO IT SHANE. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOAN

Shane Doan isn’t going anywhere on July 1.  Why?  IT’S A SUNDAY AND HE IS A MAN OF GOD AND GOD SAID THAT ON SUNDAY WE REST OK?  July 2nd we may be boned. I am not super worried about Shane.  He didn’t wait this long to have a decent team to just leave it right after he got 3 games away from the Cup Finals.  BELIEF:  I HAZ IT.

Bye-bye Ray-Ray?

Maybe we can use up some of that cap space by throwing a buttload of money at Ray so he will stay.  He deserves cash.  He wants term.  If anyone can get it done, it’s GMDM.  RAY, Y U WANNA LEAVE UR CZECHS?

I feel like Rozy is gone, Oakie will retire, and maybe Langkow will retire or go somewhere after July 1.

Pyatt?  I don’t know.  He was good in the playoffs and by good, I mean just ok, but better than the season where he was BLAH.  Depends on the price, but I think he’ll go elsewhere after July 1.

WE BETTER SIGN MARC-ANTOINE POULIOT CUZ I GOTTA HAVE THE POU.

POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU

I’d be surprised if we got more than 1 or 2 UFAs with GMDM saying that trades are gonna be our main mode of operation.  I guess we will see.  At least we aren’t trading for Dennis Wideman and paying him 5.25 million dollars.  Bahahahahahahahaa Oh Flames, never change.

Basically, with the temporary cap, we have plenty of room to sign Doan and Whitney.  And we can trade some of our cheap D for some slightly more expensive forwards.  LIKE ZACH PARISE.  YEAAAAAAAAAH.  No.  But yeah.  😀

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