Longest Dream Ever….. Pinch Me. OW.

What a year.  Seriously, what a year.  Western Conference Finals?  That was a fucking dream right?  When I wake up, we will have finished in 14th place, right?  (Hahahaha there’s  no damn way, even in my worst nightmare, that the Oilers could finish above us).

Mike Smith will have been a heinous bust, as expected, right?  He was a freakin’ AHL goalie for part of last year!

Oliver spent the entire year in the pressbox, right?  Surely he averaged about six minutes of ice time and then spent the rest of the time with Bad Influence Bizz.

Vrbata epically sucked after getting his contract and had a total of 3 goals all year.  Klesla  was terrible and inconsistent.  Whitney retired mid-year cuz he couldn’t hack it.  Doan continues to never have a hat trick.  Our penalty kill was pathetic.  Boyd Gordon couldn’t win a face-off to save his life.  What a bust he was!  Our trade for Antoine Vermette was terrible.  He’s a terrible hockey player and not at all attractive.

We will never have an owner.  I can’t believe in our last year in Phx, we had such a pathetic attempt at imitating an NHL team.  DISBAND US.




IT’S ALL UNTRUE.  IT DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID HAPPEN.  OMG OMG OMG.  Honestly, the loss to LA cut, it cut deep.  But it’s starting to scab over, healed by magical dandruff from the healing mop of fuzz that adorns the crown of Michael Smith, goalie of all goalies.

His mask is like a child-proof top, holding in the medicinal qualities.

And speaking of magical, how about Harry fucking Potter Oliver?  Last year was not great for him.  This year?  HE’S A FUCKING STUD.  And he’s 20.  Lidstrom saw his skill this year and was like, IM OUT, Y’ALL, IM PASSING THE STUDLY SWEDISH DMAN TITLE TO THIS CHILD.  Who the hell is that talented AT AGE 20?  Dmen develop later.  Can you even IMAGINE this kid in three seasons?  Sick.  Sick sick sick.  He will be sicker than all the To Catch A Predator criminals combined.

He played every game.  He had 13 goals.  He carried ridiculous minutes.  S-I-C-K.

Oliver, we have a reliable source that says you are ill…..

Another ridic year of Doaner leadership.  A hat trick for him?  THE CURSE IS BROKEN.  Whitney had his mojo going with the Vrb.


Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadim, you have to put on the reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed light.  And he did.  54 times!  Ok, not 54, but 35!!!  A 35 goal scorer!  So skilled.  That man, so skilled.


Let’s talk about Mikkel.  He had an ok regular season.  But post-season.  HOLY HELL.  Baby Dane is baby no more.  He was bigger.  He was faster.  He was stronger.  HE WAS CLUTCH.   His post-season was the equivalent of Cher getting her drivers license.  HE’S GROWING UP SO FAST.

Us lose in overtime? AS IF.

Stop sign? What, I totally paused……..

Know who was freaking stud in the playoffs besides Mike and Mikkel?  Some new guy…… I always forget his name…..

….. pretty sure he makes me forget EVERYTHING. O HAI.

Ummmm so let’s have a  very short discussion about the trade with the Blue Jackets to acquire Antoine Vermette……

Glad we could have this conversation.

So in the last two seasons, we’ve gotten Klesla and Vermette from the Blue Jackets.  THANKS COLUMBUS! WE LOVE YOU!

This is visual representation of our post-season

It was an unexpected run.  Even I, usually the optimist, didn’t think we would hit the playoffs after that start to March.  It was amazing and unexpected and what we needed to renew our covenant with the fair-weather Phoenix fans.

The Blackhawks series was grueling and so supremely stressful with all the overtime games.  When Brent Seabrook kicked our ass with last minute goal scoring, not once, but twice, I was CERTAIN that we would find a way to lose that series.  But we didn’t. (In a future post we can talk about how my season-long letter writing campaign to Shanahan came to fruition.)


The Preds series was gravy.  I felt like us winning one series was our season victory.  Anything beyond that was a gift.  And a gift this series was.  We. Were. Awesome.


I am not currently ready to talk about the Kings series, but there isn’t much to say.  We lost.  We had a great run, but we lost.  There were things that happened that should not have, on both sides.  But, we found out….. post-season?  WE CAN HANDLE IT.

Over the summer, I’ll actually post.  I want to talk about who exploded last season (Smith, Vrb, and duh, Oliver the phenom), who imploded a bit (Pyatt, Yandleface, and those to be named later), what free agency is gonna bring us (preview: nothing), and our BBs who will make a run at making the team next year (see following picture).

Howdy, my name’s Brandon Gormley. JK, he’s the next picture down…..

I take beautiful pictures of this child. It’s what I do. MEMORIAL CUP WINNER WUUUUUUUUT

Also upcoming:  THE DRAFT!!!!!!!!!!

Also, @Vrbatim and I are heading to Vegas during the NHL Awards so for SURE check back for red carpet pictures of hockey players in suits (!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

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One Response to Longest Dream Ever….. Pinch Me. OW.

  1. prometheus says:

    great fucking post. every Canadian sunbelt hockey hater should be forced to read this. Who says they don’t love hockey in the desert. Kudos from Panther fan!

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