Alright boys and girls, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Ok, it’s a big secret. Someone has been lying. Someone has been undercover….. so far undercover that you would have no clue of what his real mission was. Hold on to your panties peoples, we’re about to expose USA Hockey and their incredible success.
In order to exact revenge, they needed someone skilled and who could be a kickass secret agent.
He has to be mentally tough and able to blend in when in the evil enemy territory:
Ugh, ok, that’ll have to do. Not only will he have to integrate himself into the culture of the team. He’ll have to be one of the guys…….without having the douche-ness rub off on you. You have to spend time. You have to wait. You have to sit at a cabin with Alex Burrows:
To keep his perspective and head in the right place, he must say the pledge of Allegiance every single day, in the locker room, alone so no one suspects:
One successfully integrated the first mission is to get into their heads. The best course of action? Creeping. If you creep, they never know when you’re going to appear.
Once you’re in their heads, you continue the somewhat hilarious, unpredictable behavior? A dance montage? Don’t mind if I do…….
Ok now that you’re in their trust circle, you’re in their heads, and they can’t predict what you’re gonna do……….. it’s playoff time Sir.
Here is where the hard part comes in. I need you to lose. On purpose. I KNOW YOU ARE NATURALLY A WINNER. IT GOES AGAINST EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING TO LOSE, BUT RYAN. THINK ABOUT THIS:
It can’t be obvious. In fact, I need you to completely control one of the series and get in the Conn Smythe talk so we can remain clean in this. For maximum heart rippage for our enemy, we need to get to the championship round, preferrably take it 7 games. YOU CAN DO THIS. WE BELIEVE IN YOU.
And then it happened. America not only kept the Cup, but the ultimate enemy was defeated in a most embarrassing manner.
Of course our super hero had to keep up appearances:
DON’T WORRY, THOSE TEARS ARE REALLY THIS:
AND THAT GLOVE IS HIDING THAT HUGE SMILE WHILE OUR HERO THINKS ABOUT THIS:
And at the end of the day, our hero doesn’t hoist a Cup. He doesn’t get a parade. He just goes to work every day, does the bidding of the country that he loves, and then goes home with his heart full. Kesler. Agent Kesler.