GI Joe? Suck It. Meet The New Real American Hero.

Alright boys and girls, I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  Ok, it’s a big secret.  Someone has been lying.  Someone has been undercover….. so far undercover that you would have no clue of what his real mission was.  Hold on to your panties peoples, we’re about to expose USA Hockey and their incredible success.

In order to exact revenge, they needed someone skilled and who could be a kickass secret agent.

WHO? ME?

He has to be mentally tough and able to blend in when in the evil enemy territory:

OH CHRIST RYAN, HOW CLARK KENT OF YOU.

Ugh, ok, that’ll have to do.  Not only will he have to integrate himself into the culture of the team.  He’ll have to be one of the guys…….without having the douche-ness rub off on you.  You have to spend time.  You have to wait.  You have to sit at a cabin with Alex Burrows:

Jesus H Christ Ryan, the glasses aren't hiding anything! SERIOUSLY!

To keep his perspective and head in the right place, he must say the pledge of Allegiance every single day, in the locker room, alone so no one suspects:

.... with liberty and justice for all. FU LUONGO.

One successfully integrated the first mission is to get into their heads.  The best course of action?  Creeping.  If you creep, they never know when you’re going to appear.

No one said it was gonna be easy Kes.....

BOOM.

Once you’re in their heads, you continue the somewhat hilarious, unpredictable behavior?  A dance montage?  Don’t mind if I do…….

Start off simple.....

You're getting warmed up now!

GO RYAN, GO RYAN...........whoa, too carried away, we have a mission!

Ok now that you’re in their trust circle, you’re in their heads, and they can’t predict what you’re gonna do……….. it’s playoff time Sir.

Here is where the hard part comes in.  I need you to lose.  On purpose.  I KNOW YOU ARE NATURALLY A WINNER.  IT GOES AGAINST EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING TO LOSE, BUT RYAN.  THINK ABOUT THIS:

THIS ABOUT HOW MUCH THIS SILVER HURT RYAN. IT HURT YOU. IT HURT US ALL. THAT BASTARD DID THIS. AND NOW WE PAY HIM BACK.

It can’t be obvious.  In fact, I need you to completely control one of the series and get in the Conn Smythe talk so we can remain clean in this.  For maximum heart rippage for our enemy, we need to get to the championship round, preferrably take it 7 games.  YOU CAN DO THIS.  WE BELIEVE IN YOU.

KESLER SINGLE-HANDEDLY DEFEATS NASHVILLE. WOOOOOOOOOOO

I KNOW IT IS AMAZINGLY TOUGH SIR. BUT YOUR COUNTRY IS DEPENDING ON YOU.

And then it happened.  America not only kept the Cup, but the ultimate enemy was defeated in a most embarrassing manner.

Of course our super hero had to keep up appearances:

OH GOSH I AM SO SAD THE CANUCKS AND ROBERTO LUONGO LOST. BOOHOO

DON’T WORRY, THOSE TEARS ARE REALLY THIS:

BOTTLE O' CROCODILE TEARS

AND THAT GLOVE IS HIDING THAT HUGE SMILE WHILE OUR HERO THINKS ABOUT THIS:

USA! USA! USA! USA!

AND DIS:

OH NOEZZZZZZZZ

WORD.

And at the end of the day, our hero doesn’t hoist a Cup.  He doesn’t get a parade.  He just goes to work every day, does the bidding of the country that he loves, and then goes home with his heart full.  Kesler.  Agent Kesler.

See you tomorrow Sir.

The End.

 

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3 Responses to GI Joe? Suck It. Meet The New Real American Hero.

  1. Tapeleg says:

    OK, that was DAMN funny.

  2. Julie says:

    BAHAHAHAHAAHAH holy shit

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