After our run to the playoffs this season, it would be exceedingly helpful to have a lot of the same faces back next year, with maybe a more consistent scorer. Let’s take a look at who we have wrapped up for next year:
Shane Doan: Thank the freaking Lord. We have Doaner signed through the 11/12 season. Let’s hope we get to see his playoff crazy eyes and goal face!
Radim Vrbata: Vrrrrrrrrrrby! Not only did you come home from Czech, you came home to Phx. Radim led the full-year Coyotes with 24 goals and turned into being a shootout stud with the move that he got from Lang. Plus we need a winger that will shoot and not pass. We have Vrby signed for 1 more season.
Vern Fiddler: Fiddy! Faceoffs, PK, shot blocking, Yandle loving….. this dude does it all…. for us…. for another season under contract.
Petr Prucha: PRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! The lil engine that could. He is signed for one more season as well.
Lauri Korpikoski: Kooorps! Really grew into a solid defensive forward (like a mini-quicker Marty?) and did great on PK. Signed for 1 more season, but then he’s RFA!
Paul Bissonnette: Signed for two more seasons.
Petteri Nokelainen: Noooooooookie! Nokie is pretty tough, likes to hit things, and will be RFA after next season.
Viktor Tikhonov: Teek is love. RFA after next season.
Jovo: I am confused about Jovo. He had a smart playoffs, he loves Yandle, and I hope it all continues. This is the last year of Jovo’s cumbersome 6 mil salary then he’s UFA.
Vandermeer: Our signed D are gritty, gritty boys. Signed for 1 more season.
Sauer: Please, please God let him be better 😦 Kurt is signed through the 11/12 season.
Yandle: The bad news: Yandle is only signed one more season. The good news: He will then be RFA. Who knew we’d be so excited about Yandle? Yandle’s mom?
Bryz: This is his last year under contract. *gulp*
Barbs: One more year.
that’s everyone signed.
In summary: Fuck. This isn’t good.
I only see half of CzechFinnistan represented and our scoring is not looking pretty. GMDM HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let’s look at what who our UFA’s are, what I would pay them, and what I’ll break if we don’t get them:
Matthew Lombardi: Loooooombo! Lombo had 53 pts, trailing only Shane Doan. And let’s be real, no one gets as many points as Jesus. I would give Lombo about 4.5 mil. He made 3 last year and deserves a nice raise. Plus he can stay here and continue his bromance with Uppy. He’s quick, controlled, and isn’t an epic douchebag so he is a necessity. Definitely the #2 priority signing for us. What will I break if we lose him? GMDM’s face! YOU HEAR ME DON? Kidding. Kind of.
Robert Lang: Langer! Grandpa Czech! I love him. He was a solid, experienced player for us and had a pretty OK year coming back from injury. 64 games isn’t bad coming back from such a tough injury. What I would give him: same salary as last year. What I’ll break if he doesn’t come back: He’s Czech so…… I’d prolly bust up a chair and try to stab people with the splintered legs.
Taylor Pyatt: Taylor is a mystery to me. He either dominates or I don’t really remember him after the game. What I would give him: Well this season he was making Bissonnette-type money so he would need a raise. 875K? 900? What I’ll break if we don’t sign him: I’m one of the few girls that is pretty “meh” about Pyatt. I’d prolly break a pencil, but not try to stab anyone with it.
Lee Stempniak: LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! You hunted those goals like they were foxes and you a proper English gentlemen on a horse. Tally fucking ho baby! But then, in the playoffs, you must have lost your noble steed because you weren’t the same. What I would give him: Stemps made 3.5 mil last year and didn’t do much for Toronto before coming here. Maybe offer him the same amount. What I’ll break if we don’t sign him: Wolski’s face because I (irrationally) will think it’s all his fault.
Adrian Aucoin: Oakie! We have to sign you, my friend Ashley looooooves you and has your jersey. Jersey love = we have to have you back. Gritty, tough dude. Smart player. Funny ass jokes. Shoot-out anti-magician that gets the job done. What I would give him: I’d cough over the 2.3 that we’re playing Vandermeer. What I’ll break if we don’t sign him: a wooden stick, in his memory. ❤
Derek Morris: I always tell my friends that I never see Dmo, it’s like he’s invisible. He had 29 points total last year between Boston and us. He’s one I don’t feel strongly one way or the other on. Doaner loves him so I’d give him like 2-2.5 mil to hang around. What I’ll break if we don’t sign him: Yandle’s new house cuz he coulda just stayed in Dmo’s.
Mathieu Schneider: I’d let him walk.
Zbynek Michalek: Z YOU CANNOT LEAVE. YOU ARE LIKE THE VICE PRESIDENT OF CZECHFINNISTAN AND I DONT KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO IF YOU LEFT. IF YOU STAY, YOU CAN BE WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN JOVO. YOU CAN HAVE THE BEST LOCKER. I’LL SNIPE DOWN ANYONE THAT BOTHERS YOU WITH A RIFLE, I SWEAR! PLEASE DON’T GO TO OTTAWA, YOUR BROTHER’S KNEES WON’T LAST THE LENGTH OF YOUR CONTRACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What I would give Z: Partial ownership of the team, 4.5 million a year, and the $5 on top of his contract that I promised him at the Carnival. What I’ll break if we don’t sign him: I WILL BURN OTTAWA LIKE IT WAS MONTREAL IN A CUP YEAR and Alan Walsh, man o man, you better push for him to sign with Phx, that’s all I’m saying. You better.
In Summary: We have to sign Z and Lombo. Oakie is next. Stemps is on the wish list. The rest can stay for a decent pricetag.
RFA’s: Aka, likely to be staying, if they don’t get an offer sheet that we can’t/won’t match.
Scottie Upshall: Lombo love Uppy. He was having a good year before he was injured. He’s spunky. He made 1.5 last year. Maybe give him the same or 2mil? This may be key to getting Lombo to stay.
Daniel Winnik: This is interesting because Winnik pushed the team to arbitration last off-season and that is usually the kiss of death. But Winnie had a pretty good season. He was good on PK and had one of the more memorable memories for me of the season: his epic forecheck. He made 600K so I’d offer him like 900K. Plus Mark loves him so Mark love = prolly need to keep him.
Wojtek Wolski: I’ve never met this kid. I have no rational reason to dislike him, but I don’t particularly care for him. He wasn’t endearing like Stempniak, but then again I met Stempniak and he was nice. I don’t care one way or the other. I don’t really want his 3.1 mil pricetag when we need the money for Z and Lombo.
Sami Lepisto: Sami!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sami made 550K last year. He was in the Dman rotation last year, but he played well in the Olympics and playoffs. I’d probably start him off at like 800K and see where we are in a year.
Martin Hanzal: Umm. Yeah. He’s….. good and stuff. If anyone gives him an offer sheet (which I wouldn’t blame them, he’s great), I’ll blow up their city and then hunt down their mothers. What would I pay him? 11 million dollars. Ok seriously….. he made 850K last year while putting out 11 goals and 22 assists. On the other hand, he played D against the top centers in the league and played not only huge PK minutes, but also PP (the only forward to put in serious time on both special teams). 1.5 to 1.8 mil. Maybe 2. (Z made 1.5 last year). What I’ll break if we don’t sign him: My Coyotes allegiance? No. Well….. prolly not. Just sign him.
In Summary: SIGN HANZAL OR THERE WILL BE A NATIONAL EMERGENCY. Here’s a novel idea, let’s sign them in alphabetical order: Hanzal, Lepisto, Upshall, Winnik, Wolski.
Puzzle pieces not yet used:
Mikkel Boedker: Baby Dane!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got tired of them sending you up and down last year. Can we just hypnotize Tippett into keeping you? A winger that flies? Add in some scoring and he could be plugged in for Uppy, Wolski or Stempniak if we lose them.
Kyle Turris: A full year in San Antonio may have given you what you needed. If we don’t resign Lang or (GOD FORBID) Lombo, are you coming up with the big boys next year? Will they movie Nokie or Winnik to full-time center instead? Korps played Center in NY?
Brett MacLean: A winger with a scoring touch. He’s bigger so could he replace Pyatt? But he’s pretty quick too, so Uppy/Stemp/Wolski plug-in too?
Dave Spina: Made an insane run at making the team last year and without injury may have stayed. Plus he puts an entire section full of his family/friends. ARIZONA HOME BOY!
David Schlemko: Smart Dman came up and played when Z/Jovo got hurt and we didn’t miss a beat. He will probably stay up next year if OEL doesn’t make the team.
Jonas Ahnelov: Christ Jonas, if you can stay healthy, is this the year? Dman with potential, but injury has ended his year early the past two years. NO FIGHTS!
Oliver Ekman-Larsson: Our Swedish star did well at the World Championships against some good players. He’s coming this year and may make the team or he has the option (like Teek) to return to his homeland to play another year for Leksands.
Shaun Heshka: A suitable call-up but I don’t think he can handle NHL Dman responsiblities. But he deserves to have his name tossed into the hat.
In Summary: What a freaking mess. You know that Don Maloney will bring in some new faces and not just mix/match these guys. It’s exciting and scary and welcome to being a Coyotes fan. Either way, it’s going to be an interesting summer. Who is going to show up in Coyote red for opening night in Prague? Me. Other than me? I guess we will see.