PLAYOFFS ARE DIFFERENT. THE ENTIRE MOTHERFREAKING GAME WAS LIKE OVERTIME WITHOUT THAT SWEET COMFORT OF SHOOTOUT THAT WE KNOW WE CAN DOMINATE. I FELT HUNGOVER THIS MORNING FROM THE WHITEOUT.
Warmups: There were tons of fans and quite a few signs. I think we can do better. HOWEVER if you take my spot for warmups, I’ll shank you.
First period: Holy crap. The Red Wings scored first. On a crappy goal. Omg Bryz.
We suuuuuuuucked! We had FOUR PENTALIES TO KILL OFF!
I was so terrified. I was sure we were gonna get blown out and swept by these lame asses. The year would be over. The boys would go home. There would be no hockey. There would be no hockey. There would be………….. SNAP OUT OF IT AMY JO! WE ARE THE COMEBACK COYOTES, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING OVER 82 + GAMES???
It was going to take a lot to snap me out of my downward spiral. Who could be up to this monumental task? YANDLEFACE WITH THE POWERPLAY GOAL BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCHES! That child has pried open the bank vault of my favor and firmly planted himself. Yands was so excited. He did the tongue hanging out arm pumping. Whew. Tied. Thank God.
Then, the freaking idiots scored again. Lindstrom. Didn’t someone give Detroit the script? HELLO! Cinderella nabs the Handsome Prince, and I will be goddamned if our Handsome Prince is the Red Wings. (On a related note, Isa and I decided that Lombo looks most like a Disney movie Prince, followed by Radim and Prucha).
I went into intermission wanting to maim someone. Playoffs are for real so intense, that I can’t describe it without making it sound like some kind of dark, emo cartoon. Our first period, even with Yandle wearing the playoff daddypants, was extremely concerning.
Second period: Better.
So I was walking on the concourse and out of nowhere, SHANE DOAN CAME FLYING AT ME AND FREAKING LEVELED MY ASS! I BOUNCED OFF THE WALL AND FLEW INTO THE GARBAGE. Ok, not really, but I’m the ONLY person Doan didn’t nail! Fact! I’m pretty sure he accidentally checked Lang because he used to be a Red Wing …. years ago! This man threw hits that were brutal. He threw a dude into the bench. Jesus was. Angry. Playoff. Doan.
So finally some Red Wing ends up in the box. It’s fine cuz our power play sucks. Our power play has sucked all year. We are much better five on five. It won’t hurt them.
Wolski beat your asses and put one in the net, from Yands and Dmo.
Tie Game again bitches! BRING IT! Ok, I’m getting cocky don’t bring it…. in fact, please suck the rest of the game! Aaaaaaaaaand they did. Not that it stopped me from being terrified!
All you need to know about this period is this: DMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
We just needed to shut down a potent offense for 17 minutes. Oy.
But, we did. Because that’s how we roll.
MVP: The Players Who have Lived In Dmo’s house (Dmo/Yandle) Offsensive Defense ACTIVATE!
Shane Doan: Holy crap, don’t hit me Jesus!
Winnik: Winnie had epic forecheck all game!
Petr Prucha: Pru was quick all nite and making plays. However, he had what I will call “The Shift” where he fought in the corner, won the puck, shot. Red Wings stole the rebound, Pru stole it back from them and gave Marty an on-the-tape pass and awesome scoring opportunity. All due to Prucha’s wheels and heart.
Lauri Korpikoski: Didn’t play a ton of minutes but he is a SERIAL PENALTY KILLER!
Lombardi: Lombo was flying and had major puck control as he came flying over the blue line. He also had two points.
Jovo: Jovo was NASTY! I need you to be brutal. I need you to be a giant prick. I need you to make all of them want to stab you. I NEED MORE JOVO!
Sami: You were gritty. You did exactly what you needed to do. This year has been amazing for you Sam.
Throw the Snake: The Twitter Phenom. We may not have done it if some douchebag from Detroit didn’t throw an octopus on the ice before the game.
Yandle scored and a lil snake was thrown.
Wolski scored and a lil snake was thrown.
We won and multiple snakes were thrown.
Someday I will tell my kids, at Phoenix Coyote playoff games, how I was at the first game that snakes were ever thrown at. And that is kickass.