I can’t keep the Coyotes straight. I know you’re shocked. You say, no Amy, you yell their names at every hockey game. Literally. We mean it, shut up already.
Whatevs haters. I can’t keep the Coyotes straight because they aren’t themselves anymore. Everyone is becoming someone else.
Example: Petr Prucha isn’t Petr Prucha. Petr Prucha is Jagr in Pru’s body.
The game started off in full Oh-Shit mode. The Leafs were controlling the game and we had a hard time breaking out of the zone. This is what I expected against the Red Wings, but the Leafs? Seriously? About halfway through the period, things shift a bit. “Petr Prucha” scored. How do I know this wasn’t Petr Prucha? First of all, it was a power play goal. Umm Coyotes don’t score power play goals. Who scores power play goals? Jagr. Secondly, he scored again right away in the second period. Who scores two goals in a row? Jagr. (OMG we have Jagr on our team! And he looks like Pru! M-fing bonus!)
Now we all know that Yandle is the new Jovo 2.o. Well I guess some people were jealous that Yandle got upgraded. They wanted upgrades. Fine. Whatevs. People, meet the new Yandle 2.0 …………..
Bizz was excited about the promotion. A little too excited………
Ok so, Pru is Jagr. Yandle is Jovo. And Bizz is Yandle. That leaves the original Jovo to be a mindless hitting machine. Perfect.
God that’s confusing. Doesn’t anyone just want to be themselves?
Back to the game. In the second period someone said the team gets snuggies if they score 5 or more goals. You know they need snuggies for the plane on those long road trips. Let the goal scoring commence! Let’s see that’s Pru/Jagr with 2 goals, then Bizz/Yandle 2.o with one, Fiddy buglarized the goalie for a goal, and then Uppy was like EVERYONE GETS A SNUGGIE BITCHES! Yay!!!!!!
Then we had snuggies on the brain and let the Leafs get control of the game and score 2 goals. Damnit! It woke us up out our snuggie-induced haze. Then the Leafs did it. They pulled the goalie. We’ll never score now! It’s the Coyote kiss of death! But……. Vrby scored!!!!!!!!
Wait. Vrby scored?
With no goalie in the net?
Is that what was needed to break the curse? VRBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MVP of the Game: Jagr in Pru wrapping! Yeah Pru!!!!!!!!!!!! And a special fuck you to the New York Rangers for scratching him all year last year. I should thank you for thinking he wasn’t worth a roster spot, but you made him feel bad so I hope your whole team/management/owners get herpes.
Moment of the Game: When Bizz/Yandle 2.0 scored in the first NHL game that his Dad got to see him play. Seeing how proud he was made my heart want to burst out of my chest. Special.
The Score Sheet Didn’t Show: Mr. Pants O’Vandy. I noticed Vandypants taking some big hits to make plays, making some big hits, and pinching up without getting burned. Nicely done Sir, nicely done.
My Tip for Tippett: If Mueller isn’t on the roster at the end of this year, you and me are gonna dance and it isn’t going to end well for you.
Props to: Yandle/Jovo 2.0 for three assists. Marty the Big Czech Monster for 3 assists