What We Need to be a Playoff Team

I love my Coyotes. I really do. But we need some changes.

Coaches: Wayne is going to be the coach. I’m resigned to that fact. The Great One is about the only thing keeping the ‘Yotes in the Desert at this point, so whatever, he can continue on as coach, I guess. We need someone who can formulate a simplified, effective power play. Wayne was a great player, but a master power play planner he is NOT. Grant, I

Fowards: We have a great core.
Shane Doan is ridiculous. Amazing attitude, dedication, skill.

Lombo and Upshall work great together. Sign Scottie damnit!

Prucha is the bravest dude I’ve ever seen in front of the net. He gets his Czech butt beat and comes back for more. Sign him. NOW!

Mueller. I know you have it in you. You’re 21 and have the pressure of a whole team and their offensive woes on you. You’ll shake it off next year.

Hanzal: The trick to getting this defensive stud to score is to have his parents in the stands. All games without parents in the stands: 8 goals. 1 game with parents in the stands: 3 goals. We need to relocate the Hanzal’s to Phoenix and get them some season tickets.

Enver! I would write amazing things here about how I love to watch your killer moves but I can’t. You skate so fast I can’t see them when you do them. I have to wait for the replays to admire your crazy Russian KGB assassin skills.

Reino and Winnik. You both are free agents. Reino, Shane loves you so I think we should keep you. Winnik, I’m sorry, I need a spot for Joel Perrault to come up from San Antonio so you’re toast. Plus, some fans have said you aren’t super nice. Coyotes love their fans. Period.

Fedoruk and Dawes. Sky Harbor Airport. I can get you directions. Maybe I can package one of you with Prust and deal you out.

The Coyote Pups. Teek. Kyle. Baby Dane (Mikkel). If I have to take only 2 of the 3 of you, Kyle, you’re going down to San Antonio. Mikkel is fast and is big enough to check. Teek is great defensively, has pretty good hands, and is killer on the shootouts (God knows we need someone who is besides Shane). Sorry Kyle, I need Mueller to go back to Center and that leaves you in Texas.

Joakim. My IKEA player. You got hosed when the new dudes arrived. You have promise, but I’m on the fence about you. Please resign for cheap so I can have guilt-free adoration of you again next year?

Defense:

Michalek: Z. You are what every D-man on our team should aspire to be. I need to get you some Icy Hot and armor-plated pads.

Yandle: You’re coming along well. If you get those slip-ups and turnovers under control, you will be great. Your offensive up-side and outlet passes are amazing. Plus we need someone who continually gives the media quotes and seriously, you never stop talking 😛

Sauer: Minnesota! Woot! You’re tough. You’re a stay at home D-man and work well with Z. Welcome to your long-term home.

Klee: I love how you flip upside down stretching during warmups. You’re a good dude and I wanna resign you next year. Please be cheap 🙂

Kalinen: I don’t really know how to spell your name. That doesn’t bode well. You’re a good defensemen. I need a spot for Jonas to come up from San Antonio. You had a bad rep in New York.

Jovo: 6.5 million. If I could get anyone to take your salary, you’d be long gone.

Goalies:

Bryz: Honey you need to get it together when the other team scores twice. I’ll try to get you some defensive support.

Montoya: Wow. Please resign.

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