Lockout, A Torturing Troll, and A Crapload of GIFs.

The lockout.  The motherfucking lockout.  It’s like having a wound that won’t heal because you’re tied down, helpless, while a little troll continually stabs you in your intestines while keeping you awake 24/7 screaming HOCKEY RELATED REVENUE, CONTRACT INCOME VARIANCE, AND PENSIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNS.  Your friends can’t help you because they, too, are tied down with trolls of their own.  Meanwhile, some of your favorite players are tweeting you pictures of vacations in tropical places.  Them = vaca.  You = troll stabbing.  What. the. fuck.

fangurl5 blam spew lightning GIF22 gif21 gif14 flip lid

But then, one day, when you least expect it………..

It’s like any other day.  OOOOOH THE DEADLINE IS COMING.  THEY ARE CLOSE.  Fuck.  Tell me something I haven’t heard since like NOVEMBER 3RD.  They work late into the night.  YEAH WELL SO DOES MY STABBING TROLL, OK?

But then. It. Happens.

THE STABBY TROLL STARTS TO CHOKE AND COUGH.  Your first thought is OMG FUCKING GROSS TROLL HAIRBALL.  But the choking doesn’t stop and the hairball never appears. DING DONG THE TROLL IS DEAD.  Could this mean…………?

HOCKEY IS BACK?

(For the purposes of the next section, the role of me will be played by a little boy and Will Smith).

HOCKEY'S BACK?

HOCKEY’S BACK?

 

I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN'T EVENNNNNNNNNNNNNN

I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN’T EVENNNNNNNNNNNNNN

fangurl7

O YES, O YES, THE HOCKEYYYYYYYY

MAKE ME SHAKE MY AAAAAASS

MAKE ME SHAKE MY AAAAAASS

GUYS.  DOESN’T JUST SAVE US.  Some of the players were hurting.  They were stuck and thought they needed to find new careers.

fangurl8

 

NO MARTY.  DON'T DO IT!  THERE IS HOCKEY!  YOU CAN GO BACK TO SHUTTING DOWN JOE THORNTON.  MARTY FOR THE LOVE OF HOWE, PUT A FUCKING SHIRT ON AND GET ON A PLANE.  SERIOUSLY, THEY WON'T LET YOU ON THE PLANE WITHOUT A SHIRT.

NO MARTY. DON’T DO IT! THERE IS HOCKEY! YOU CAN GO BACK TO SHUTTING DOWN JOE THORNTON. MARTY FOR THE LOVE OF HOWE, PUT A FUCKING SHIRT ON AND GET ON A PLANE. SERIOUSLY, THEY WON’T LET YOU ON THE PLANE WITHOUT A SHIRT.

AND YOU, BLOG READER, HAVE SOME DECENCY AND ADVERT YOUR EYES.  HE WAS IN A VULNERABLE POSITION AND THERE YOU ARE, ALL LOOKING.  I SAY ADVERT YOUR EYES!

AND THOSE OF YOUR WHO ARE ALL

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I WILL FIND YOU.

Ok, Back to the excite.

Guys, HOCKEY!

gif19 gif9 gif7 holy1 z1 fangurl1 fangurl fangurl2

So first things first:

1) I NEED THE NEW SCHEDULE.  LIKE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

2) I need to buy a new personal schedule because my calendar has all these fake games written in it.  Haha, remember when we got to see Eastern Conference Teams?  I HATE YOU NHL.  I see these Western Conference jackwagons all the time.  I WANT TO SEE GENO.  MAKE IT HAPPEN.

3) Guys, who the hell is even on our team?  WHO IS GONNA BE THE 7TH DMAN?  OMG I BET IT’S RUNDBLAD CUZ HE’S BEEN RIPPING IT UP IN PORTLAND (more about this in a post later this week)

4) We still have Raffi Torres.  :|

Yay Raffi.  :|

Yay Raffi. :|

5)  GUESS WHO IS ON A PLANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4qpgo

6) Replace “School” with “The Job” and “long holiday” with “lockout” and this is totally how I feel:

fangurl47)  GUYS, WE ARE BACK!  WE’RE BACK!  THERE’S GONNA BE A BANNER AT THE JOB!  WE’RE BACK!  IT EVEN MAKES SHANE DOAN SAY BAD WORDS!

POTTY MOUTH DOAN

8) Marty

5449530884_a93c9db454_b (1) 24d0uhd_94068089 gif3 gif gif16

 

SEE YOU SOON, THE BLOG IS BACK (AT LEAST FOR NOW!)  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY HOCKEY!

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2 Responses to Lockout, A Torturing Troll, and A Crapload of GIFs.

  1. Kara says:

    I really, really missed this. I wasn’t even kidding on Twitter. So, yeah… that was me being creepy, now back to staring at certain Czech.

  2. Larry Feiner says:

    YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY FOR YOUR BLOG BEING BACK!

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