The Rumors Of Our Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

BIG WHEEL KEEP ON TURNIN’, PROUD MARY KEEP ON BURNIN’….

ROLLIN’!

ROLLIN’!

ROLLING ON THE RIVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

We seem to be on a run ladies and gentlemen.  I mean, it’s February.  It’s what we do in February.  Hopefully we don’t lose to the Wings in April because that’s also what we tend to do :/  WINGS SUCK!

WE HAVE OWWIES.  WE HAVE LOTS OF OWWIES.  Dmo broke his groin.  Klesla seems to have a pretty significant shoulder issue (wouldn’t be surprised if it was a separated shoulder like Doan had), Pyatt is head dead, and Marty is…………

I DON’T FREAKING KNOW BECAUSE OMG NO ONE TELLS ME ANYTHING.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU?!?!!?!?!?!!?

These injuries opened the door for Michael Stone to make his NHL debut against the Stars.   (OMG remind to me rant later about what a bitch Steve Ott is).  Stoney was paired with Chris Summers because Tippett has personally invested in Tums antacids and wants my ulcer to flare up for his own personal gain.  OMG THE ROOKS TOGETHER?  GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  They didn’t do too badly, but once they got stuck out there in our own end for an EXTENDED period of time and I thought for sure we were gonna cough up a goal, but we survived.  Mike didn’t stand out, and for a Dman in his first game, that’s a good thing.

Let’s have a short conversation about how Oliver Ekman-Larsson has gone from a popcorn diet in the pressbox to being part of our top pairing.  You may argue that Yandle and Dmo are our top pairing, but shut up, you’re wrong, they aren’t.  A lot of the time, Oakie and the Kid are paired up against the opposition’s top line.  I feel confident when Olli’s out on the ice and the way he uses his stick is riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidiculous.  He’s gonna be SCARY good in like three years.

The Kid.

Now, I know I may be a little bit biased, but is there any one player that means more to a team than Radim Vrbata means to the Coyotes?  I mean, I know we have all those other 50 goal scorers on our team and stuff but…………. WAIT, NO ONE SCORES EVER.  NO GOALS.  WE HAVE NO GOALS WITHOUT VRBY.  NO GOALS, NO WINS, NO FANS, …………. Radim Vrbata will have single-handedly saved the Coyotes.

I DEMAND A VRBATA STATUE TO BE MADE IN FRONT OF THE JOB.  I FUCKING DEMAND IT.  IT MUST BE BRONZE AND BEAUTIFUL AND HUGE AND UPSIDE-DOWN TRIANGLE-HEADED.

AJ, calm down. Bronze is not a good look on me.

Fine Vrby, be all humble and shit.  But seriously, he has a career high in goals in mid-Feb? He is so……………. Vrb.  Thank God the Lightning gave up on him and he loved it here enough to sign for the hometown discount.  3 million a year for his talent?  That’s like buying a fucking Coach purse at Walmart for 14 bucks, it just doesn’t happen.

In case you hadn’t heard, I freakin’ love the Vrb.

He is pocket-sized

Speaking of people I greatly enjoy……. let’s talk about Bru.  He’s little, spunky, takes a hit and goes flying…….. he’s like the new Pru.  But he’s #8 so he’s the new Uppy?  Re-Up?  Bruuuuuuuuuuuu?  Whatevs, this dude has moxie.  He hasn’t scored much yet and his body has been in the net more than the puck,  but he’s always like a little gnat fluttering around.  Me gusta.

Speaking of dudes that don’t really score, did we all have a giant sigh of relief when Mikkel finally SHOT THE GODDAMN PUCK on a breakaway instead of an ill-advised pass? AND HE DIDN’T EVEN SHOOT IT RIGHT INTO THE GOALIE’S PADS!  HOLY CRAP!

Boeds, you've gotta close your mouth, you're gonna swallow a bug eventually.... at high speed :(

We have reached the portion of the blog entry where we look back on the past, think of Bryzgalov and, as a group, say……… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  WE NO MISS YOU.  We were worried that in this HUMOUNGOUS BIG UNIVERSE, we wouldn’t find a goalie that could stop the puck as well as you.  And we didn’t.  WE FOUND ONE THAT STOPS IT BETTER THAN YOUZZZZZZZ.

Mike Smith is my homeboy.  And his curls?  THEY ARE CURLS OF DEATH TO SCORERS.     You don’t wanna make him angry, cuz if those curls start bouncin’, you’z gonna get a trouncin’.  Ask Kopitar.  Mike Smith just seems like such a good dude.  Remember the first game, against the Sharks, when everyone lost their shit about how terrible he was?  HOW YOU LIKE HIM NOW BITCHES?

O HAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

I’d like to end with a few randoms:

~ Hey Steve Ott, your “agitation” has lead to two straight losses against us.  Why don’t you focus on playing hockey, you idiot?

~ Jason LaBarbara should demand to be called “Assistant Equipment Manager LaBarbara” because I call him that 24/7.  He spends more time handing off sticks during games than stopping the pucks.

~ We need to send in Mr. Miyagi to do his special healing clap/handrub thing on Klesla.  HEAL KLES, HEAL!

~ Raffi Torres……….. ugh, nevermind.

~ Chipchura:  They are gonna make a Disney movie about your rise in the NHL, from AHL to second line center.  AND IT’S GONNA BE A MUSICAL.  Chip-chimney, Chip-chimney, Chip-chip-chura……….. get ready Kyle, it’s happening.

 

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2 Responses to The Rumors Of Our Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

  1. You may do more CAPS RAGE than I do!

  2. I love reading the stuff you write.

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