………..And That’s When I Lost It.

Holy mother-fing stressful day hockey fans!  Free agent day can be like Christmas (for all you Panther fans out there) or it can be the day that Zbynek Michalek breaks your soul into 1000 pieces that apparently takes longer than a year to heal.  ZZZZZZZZZZ!

Going into today, we needed a goalie.  We needed a goalie BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD.  We also needed forwards.  And this is what we ended up with at the end of the day.

First, let’s look at who we lost:

Jovo:  Byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye moneybags!  Jovo was an offensive power while he was here, but he’s getting over 4 mil per year, FOR FOUR YEARS, in Florida.  It’s ok, he can work on his tan there.

Fiddy:  Ugh, this one was not good.  Fids went to Dallas for about 1.7-8ish for three years.  Hate to have him in the division.  Hope he does well.  Bye Fiddy.

Ebbett:  Ebbett signed a one-way deal, one year, with the Canucks.  One-way?  Wow, good for him!

Belanger:  After getting hosed last year, Belanger found some stability in Edmonton for three years at 1.75 mil per year.  He just didn’t have all the skills that we needed in a Center that would command that much cash here.  Good luck Eric!

So those peoples are gone.  It’s always sad losing people, but last year I was a lot more broken up.  But this year?  OMG THE POTENTIAL TO LOSE RADIM.  He’s #17 in your program but #2 in my heart man.  Before we get to that, let’s go through how the morning progressed.

Noon eastern time hit and the FRENZY BEGAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That’s a lie.  Nothing happened.  Nothing happened for like a good half hour to 45 minutes.  But then……………

BOOM.  WE GOT A GOALIE.  WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO VOKOUN!!!!!!

Mike Smith?  Whatever.  You say tomato, I say Vokoun.

Now he’s not Studly McStuderton.  But, he’s a good goalie and his similarities to Sean Burke are going to pay off for us in the end.  I mean, if it turns out bad, we always have LaBarbara and all his Vezinas to fall back on.

Shit.

Anyways, Mike Smith was a tandem goalie for the Lightning last year and outlasted Dan Ellis. Bahahahaha.  As you will see, he seems like an A-OK dude.

WHY WHAT A NICE PURSE YOU HAVE. All the better to deliver Phx's offer sheets to my buddy Stammer, my dear! BRILLIANT!

Smith and Ryan Malone are kind of in love.

No, seriously, they have this bromance.

 

If we make the playoffs, we have this hot mess to look forward to. CURLS. MY GOD THE CURLS

 

Oh, you know, a typical Tuesday night, hanging with my besties, Vinny and Stammypants.

Also, can the Coyotes do this kind of advertising? Man.  O HAI VINNY

So Mike Smith………….. we’ll see, but he seems like a good dude.  Hopefully our D can support him better than last year and Burke can work some magic.

Welcome Mike!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So our second signing almost made me completely lose faith in Don Maloney.  OH MY FUCKING GOD WE SIGNED RAFFI TORRES.  AKA GIANT FUKWAD DOUCHER FROM THE FREAKING CANUCKS.  He’s famous for hits to the head and boarding.  Dangerous mofo.  Yes, our kids need protection, but I will be sick forever if this fucker hurts someone.  UNBEARABLE.

She hates me. * Sigh *

 

OH SHIT, SHE SHANKS PEOPLE.

So AJ, even with Raffi wearing a Coyotes jersey, how do you feel about him?

This. All of this.

Almost lost in the hoopla over douchestastic piece of crap signing and our cool dude goalie, is our hidden gem.

Boyd.

Boyd is going to be the Fiddy of the future, but like, a better version.  Boyd is a fucking stud at faceoffs and won 58% of all his faceoffs last season, which was 8th best in the whole league.  In the playoffs?  Over 60%.  RIDICULOUS!!!!!!!!!!!  He’s a hard worker and is like Korps with less offense.  He’s a PKer and I’m so freaking excited that we have him!!!!!

I have never gotten a jersey of a Canadian, but I’m tempted.

WELCOME BOYD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gracias to Bridget for her excellent photog skills. She's @Ikeastan. follow!

 

Ouch dude! MEDIC! I NEED A MEDIC OVER HERE

Dare I say, he's even a touch of O HAI BOYD.

I couldn’t really enjoy the signings because I was flipping the fuck out about Vrby.  HE WAS SECOND ON THE TEAM IN GOALS.  WE NEED GOALZ.  WE NEED THE VRB.  THIS IS IS HOME.

Radim!  THIS IS YOUR HOME!

But he hit the free agent market.  And then there was a contract in front of him and that’s when I lost it:

PUT YOUR NAME ON IT ABERCROMBIE BOY.

AND IT WAS FOR THE PHOENIX COYOTES FOR THREE MORE GLORIOUS YEARS OF CZECH HOCKEY IN THE DESERT FOR 3 MILLION DOLLARS PER YEAR.

First, let’s gauge my reaction:

THIS WITH CRYING MIXED IN!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS WITH CRYING MIXED IN!!!!!

THIS WITH WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MIXED IN!!!!!

Now at 3 million per year, which was his salary last year as well, it’s likely that Vrb took a bit of a hometown discount.  Only two UFAs had more goals than Vrby (Brad Richards who will get STUPID money, and Uppy, who got over 3 mil per year in Florida).

Vrby knew where his home was.

Love ya, Vrb.  <3

 

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