The Hockey Gods Gave Us A Redo! Prepare for the Alternate Ending Mofos.

Major deja vu eh?  The Red Wings.  We lost last year because our guys overslept and didn’t make it to the Job in time for the game and we had to send out their pretty untalented twins to face the Wangs.  Unfair right?  Totally needed a rematch.

TA-DA!  Here is our rematch with the worshipers of the satanic octopi.  Things are going to be different this time.  Why?  Because I said so goddamnit!  Also, there are ACTUAL reasons that things will be different this time.  Let’s go on this little journey together, shall we?

1.  Shane Doan had surgery in the off-season to adhere adamantium to his bones.  Yes, adamantium.   Yep, he’s basically Wolverine and unbreakable.  Remember when Z had that done and was amazingly unbreakable.  WE ARE GOLD YO.  A healthy Doan for all the games?  Not only are the Wangs gonna have nightmares about this, but playing the role of Freddy Kruger will be Doaner.

UNBREAKABLE! BRING IT FUCKERS!

2.  Last year we had Lombo as our #1 center and now we have Eric Belanger.  Now, let’s not lie, Lombo was easy on our eyes and light on the puck.  He was super quick, yes, but he wasn’t necessarily gritty.  You want gritty?  Belanger lost 8 teeth in the first period of a playoff game ……………AND RETURNED TO THE GAME LIKE A FUCKING BOSS YO.  God Bless Lombo, but Belanger is built for the playoffs.

Badass

3.   Much like Beyonce, Zbynek Michalek is irreplaceable.  That is just a scientific fact.  So we had one amazing Czech Dman and now we have 1.5 pretty good Czech Dmen (I’m still not 100% sold on Rozy, don’t ask me why).  While Z was amazing at blocking shots, Klesla has signed up at the Taylor Pyatt School of Eye Mezmerizing and is quite good at distracting.  The Mighty Ducks had the Bash Brothers.  With Pyatt and Klesla, we have the Lash Brothers.  O Man.

Lashes ACTIVATE! Wings neutralized! They gotta wear shades in public.

4.  The babies.  Mikkel, Kyle, and Brett are our secret weapon.  The old ass men of the Wings will be too busy wondering who let kids climb the glass and get on the ice to notice what is happening until the kids unleash the goal fury.  THEY WILL UNLEASH THE GOAL FURY WHILE THE WINGS ARE TRYING TO DE-FLEA THEIR OLD MAN BEARDS.  Babyfaces for the win!

BRING IT BERTUZZI! Umm, Mikkel, maybe we should scale back ......

5.  Ray Whitney has lifted a Cup before and knows what it takes to get it done.  Plus, the fact that Ray looks tall standing next to the short Cup is motivation enough for him to maim someone to make it happen again.  Ray on the Rampage yo.

6.  Lauri Korpikoski is a new hockey man and he was already kicking ass against the Wings last year.  HE IS A BIG FUCKING DEAL.  BOOK IT.

Yandle: In addition to shaving, the Wings gave up showering. Lauri: OH.

7.  Marty is alive.  Marty is playing hockey again.  Marty has three goals against the Wings already this season.  I feel pretty secure in saying that he will be getting the Conn Smythe this year.  CONN SMYTHE MOFOS.

Playoff mullet!!!!!!! Or he's gonna cut this off and glue it on his baby face

Also, this could happen:

#WhiteOut Anti-Wing safety suits

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One Response to The Hockey Gods Gave Us A Redo! Prepare for the Alternate Ending Mofos.

  1. Josh Paul says:

    HOWL YEA BABY!!!!!
    WHITEOUT HERE WE COME!!!!
    GO COYOTES!!!!
    MIKE “THE BEAST” SMITH IS COMING FOR HIS CUP
    AND HE’S BRINGING A FEW FRIENDS!!!!!!!

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